AIBU to feel left out by friend inviting my guest to dinner?

[mirrortoolow]

I am part of a group of six friends who all met at uni almost 10 years ago. Most of us have all stayed near uni but the other two are in other areas of the country so we only see them a couple of times a year. Of the group I am closest to one of the two who moved away. She is coming to visit us in a few weeks' time and she will be staying with me because we are close, and I own my own home whereas most of the others are living with family at the minute.
We all have a group chat on Facebook Messenger, except that one of my friends doesn't like Messenger so if you want to talk to her you have to use Instagram chat. She has had a rough time recently, including the end of a long term relationship and the loss of a close family member in a short space of time. I messaged Instagram friend to let her know that our friend was coming over to visit, in case she hadn't heard via the Messenger chat. She said that yes, she had heard, and she was planning to invite the friend round to her parents' (where she lives) home for dinner one night.
AIBU to feel a bit put out by this? Of course it's lovely that she wants to invite our friend round for dinner but she is staying with me and Instagram friend didn't say that I was also included in the dinner invite. So our friend is invited and I will be left at home that evening until she returns from Instagram friend's house. I don't know how our friend will get to her house as she is using public transport to get to my house and won't have a car. Surely I won't be expected to drive her to Instagram friend's house and drop her off, without being invited in myself? I have never been invited to Instagram friend's house for dinner so this is unique treatment for our friend coming to visit. I just feel funny about it but Instagram friend didn't seem to think it was an issue.

I think it's nice that you have individual relationships within the group. Your friend is staying with you so you'll have plenty of time to catch up and maybe Instagram friend doesn't feel up to big group meetings at the moment. Also, she's living with her parents who are presumably grieving so not planning a party. Your visiting friend is an adult so can get herself to the other friend's house. You can offer a lift if you want but I wouldn't expect it.

I think that’s strange behaviour from your Instagram friend. Can you make other plans that evening so they can’t rely on you for lifts?

i think it depends on how long your friend is staying with you. If she’s only staying for the weekend then it’s rude to leave you out. If she’s planning a longer stay then it is likely she’ll want to do some things without you. If I was the friend staying I’d have clarified the host friend’s expectations first though.

Your friend is an individual who has other friends in your area too. Of course it's OK for her to go out and see them while she's in the area. I find it a little odd and possessive that you'd expect her not to go out and visit other friends while she's down.

I think it's petty thoughtless behaviour not to invite you as well OP. If she had spoken to you about it and explained why she was only able to/ wanted to ask your visitor that would be one thing. But to exclude you from the invitation without any explanation is not nice at all.
I agree don't get involved in providing lifts on the evening.

She's being rude but I bet she doesn't realise. I felt the same when a visiting relative invited a mutual friend over to our house without asking first; bad manners but no offence intended . If your visitor accepts the invitation, arrange to go somewhere else that evening and don't offer a lift, it's between the two of them to sort it out,

Isnt this situation what people on here call "Wendying?"

?? Wendying??

Yes, this is my thought too. Leave them to it and if your guest asks for a lift, say you have something on but maybe her host can help? It was somewhat rude of friend not to invite you too, or at least say something like she thought she'd help you out by having guest round one night.

There are threads about it. It's when someone joins a friendship group, makes themselves central to it and gets one of the older friends frozen out. Wendy was the (fake) name used for the person doing this.

It's a bit odd you've never been to her house, more than her inviting the friend round. Especially if you live near each other.

It’s a mutual friend who has explained on the phone to the Op that she’ll be having a social without her with their mutual friend. Frankly it’s weird and no I don’t think this makes the Op possessive. I’d be irritated Op. If she’d given a reason, ie parents won’t want more people round, sorry etc, then I’d have a different take on it.

There is a difference between 'staying with OP' and 'staying at OP's house as a base in the area' and if the expectation and arrangement is the first one, of course this friend should not accept an invitation to socialise elsewhere where OP is not included. It's even stranger that the person inviting the guest is also a friend of OP!

OP have you mentioned this to your visiting friend? I think you should. It's too weird of insta friend to do this.

OP certainly shouldn't be expected to give her friend a lift to Instagram friend's house and pick her up afterwards.

I think it is a bit rude for Instagram friend to leave OP out when she had contacted her to let her know that their mutual friend was visiting.

It is at her parents, and she has had a hard time recently you said, maybe she doesn’t want to socialise but equally doesn’t want to miss out on seeing her friends. I would try not to read too much into it or be too hurt (even if I know in the same situation I would be upset) because it won’t be personal

Other friend should have invited both of you really

Depending on whether visiting friend is coming purely to visit you, or to stay with you while visiting others, they should also have said "I will check if OP is free" because most ppl I think would have assumed the invitation was for the host as well especially as you're all in a friend group

Why is it such a problem for the other two to meet up without you for a few hours? You are all adults. No one needs permission to accept invites from others. Instagram friend doesn't have to invite you to hers, maybe she doesn't feel the same way about you as she does about the other friend.

You are all adults and individuals. Surely they can also sort out their own transport to meet instead of asking you.

if you feel that strongly about it you could ask her to stay elsewhere but don't expect to be joined at the hip.

It's not a problem exactly, just bad manners . The insta friend is putting both the visitor and host in a difficult position by inviting one without the other.

That’s a bit of an assumption on the situation and probably an overreaction.

I don't think it applies in this situation as they are all already part of an existing friendship group. I think it's slightly rude of Insta friend not to invite OP as well, but maybe she doesn't want to impose on her parents too much if it's their house.

Rude, she should not invite her without including you. Why would she not include you? I hope the visitor refuses, I’d at least expect to have you go too. Really weird otherwise given she’s staying at yours.

I have been to Instagram friend's house before, maybe twice, but it was always in a group with at least one or two of our other mutual friends. Instagram friend and I get on well, I honestly don't think it's because she doesn't think as highly of me as I thought!

She's being rude but I bet she doesn't realise. I think this is it. My issue really isn't that I'm being possessive - the visiting friend came to stay with me last year and she has family in the area too and she spent one of the days she was here with them. I didn't expect to be invited (and I wasn't), because I don't know her family and it was family time for my friend. The difference is that in this scenario Instagram friend, visiting friend and I are all good friends with each other. It is well known that visiting friend and I are "best" (I don't like that term) friends within the group, just as another two of our mutual friends are each other's best friends. That's why she is staying with me. But we all are close and enjoy spending time with whatever combination of friends from the group. I don't know how to navigate this

I'd just ignore it, as in don't offer a lift, she can go under her own steam. I don't think it's a diss as such, but I wouldn't be facilitating it.

I wouldn’t see this as rude at all.
Think it’s strange to think because you are offering a bed you are automatically her plus one.

I'm not certain that she is leaving you out.
It might be that the thought in your Insta friend's head didn't reach your head.

She may well be meaning she hopes to meet up with both of you, but it didn't occur to her to spell that out
or
She might be thinking it is a lot for you to 'entertain' visiting friend for a week, so thought it would be nice to mix it up a bit for visiting friend and give you a night to wash your hair / smalls / whatever it is all the MNers do when they say they need to stay in.