AIBU to feel left out by friend inviting my guest to dinner?

[mirrortoolow]

I am part of a group of six friends who all met at uni almost 10 years ago. Most of us have all stayed near uni but the other two are in other areas of the country so we only see them a couple of times a year. Of the group I am closest to one of the two who moved away. She is coming to visit us in a few weeks' time and she will be staying with me because we are close, and I own my own home whereas most of the others are living with family at the minute.
We all have a group chat on Facebook Messenger, except that one of my friends doesn't like Messenger so if you want to talk to her you have to use Instagram chat. She has had a rough time recently, including the end of a long term relationship and the loss of a close family member in a short space of time. I messaged Instagram friend to let her know that our friend was coming over to visit, in case she hadn't heard via the Messenger chat. She said that yes, she had heard, and she was planning to invite the friend round to her parents' (where she lives) home for dinner one night.
AIBU to feel a bit put out by this? Of course it's lovely that she wants to invite our friend round for dinner but she is staying with me and Instagram friend didn't say that I was also included in the dinner invite. So our friend is invited and I will be left at home that evening until she returns from Instagram friend's house. I don't know how our friend will get to her house as she is using public transport to get to my house and won't have a car. Surely I won't be expected to drive her to Instagram friend's house and drop her off, without being invited in myself? I have never been invited to Instagram friend's house for dinner so this is unique treatment for our friend coming to visit. I just feel funny about it but Instagram friend didn't seem to think it was an issue.

To be honest, in the situation OP describes (friend used to live in the area and knows others in the area and staying with OP as she's the only one with her own house) it sounds more like 'staying at OP's house as a base, to visit multiple old friends', rather than 'staying with OP, in order to spend all the time with OP'.

YABU you don't own her she can go to dinner with someone else 😂😂😂

No because they are already friends.

OP - presumably she hasn’t asked you for a lift so I think you are jumping the gun.

You said she was staying with you because you have your own home so it made sense. So she hasn’t come down just to see you necessarily if she is part of the friendship group.

However if you are going to take offence then perhaps make it clear that you don’t want her to meet with your other friend and that she can make other arrangements.

Even in a group it’s possible for some people to be closer over certain things than others so perhaps insta friend feels she can talk to the other friend about whatever it is.

But it is not OK to use OP’s house as an hotel surely?

My understanding is the person inviting is being called rude. I don’t think they are but I do see your point if the guest goes that is a little different.

We have no idea what their arrangement was.

But do people really stay with their hosts 24/7 when they go to see them? Do they never venture out for few hours for a bit of a change of scenery That seems so odd to me.

OP is taking offence where there really is no need to be offended.

This. I mean, quite apart from anything else, the Instagram friend is living with her parents who are presumably, along with her, mourning a recent close family loss. One friend visiting from a distance for dinner may be more acceptable than multiple. It wouldn’t cost me a second thought if I were the OP. I don’t expect to be glued to someone’s side because they’re staying in my house.

Depends how long they are staying. I only usually have guests for 2/3 days and these are people I want to see. No one has ever stayed with me and then gone to visit a friend for the evening.

Hardly a hotel. Surely it’s logical that the friend would maybe want to see others in the group while she is there.

Tbh it all sounds a little childish.

Firstly communicating via Facebook messenger and instagram is weird. Just use WhatsApp!

Hoe long is your guest staying? Does she know you’re not invited to insta friends house?

I agree with this. Don't offer a lift, let them arrange it.

I think it's perfectly reasonable (and to be expected) that someone who used to live locally and moved away, would be catching up with as many friends as possible when in the area. I actually think it's odd and possessive of OP to think she has some kind of exclusive rights to an old mutal Uni friend, rather than expecting her to be busy catching up with various people. If the friend knew OP and only OP, that would be a different thing, but surely in the situation OP describes, she's down to catch up with everybody, and just crashing at OP's as there's space there, rather than specifically coming to spend time just with OP.

‘she's down to catch up with everybody, and just crashing at OP's as there's space there, rather than specifically coming to spend time just with OP.’

So using OP’s house like a hotel as I said.
It appears she also might need OP’s chauffeur services too.

But it's not at the friend's house it's at her parents house and maybe her parents don't want her to invite more than one person for dinner. Also she sees OP regularly as she lives in the same town but she hasn't seen the friend for a while.
I don't think it's odd or rude. And I don't think OP should assume she will need to give her a lift. Surely she can get a taxi or public transport

What an odd way to look at life.

Plus the whole "might need OP’s chauffeur services too" part is also completely made up. No-one has aske the OP for a lift anywhere.

I still live very close to where I was born, grew up and have hosted more than one person who has moved away, looking for a place to crash when they come 'home'. It's lovely - I get to see them, but they aren't expecting me to "look after them" for several days. Suits everyone.

No, chauffeur services were not made up. OP herself said her guest didn’t have a way to get to this other person’s house as she was coming by public transport.
As I said previously, it depends how long the guest is staying. Personally if I wanted to see a few different people I would stay in an hotel.

OP isn’t having a dinner or a party at her house so there’s nothing to invite the other friend to.

Well, she can get there by public transport, or by taxi, or the friend who has invited her for dinner can pick her up, surely? Neither the inviter nor the invitee has asked the OP to give her a lift to the dinner, so there's very little point in getting pre-emptively outraged by someone no one has asked her to do.

Completely agree there is a difference between using as a base and being hosted as a guest

however if the guest expects to be driven and dropped off to see mutual friend then that is definitely awkward and rude. I would say rude of the houseguest.

If the guest is able to be independent of the host then that would be more using the house as a base territory, in which case seems more OK that they are seeing mutual friend by themselves.

mutual friend is being tactless by inviting mutual friend alone - they should be polite and invite both

Here's what I would do. Reply to Instagram friend and visting friend at same time. Explain you are planning dinners and potential trips out or social events. It looks like that night is already planned which you were not aware of so could you just check if any other arrangements have been made for the visit and then you know that those days or eves you wont need to make or think about alternative arrangements. If I got that message as either of them I would feel a bit guilty that I had not shared the detail as the host does normally expect to do some of the arrangements as its not a b and b arrangement where a room is paid for and thats it. Its a visit to a friend who is kind enough to accommodate you. Of course you dont want to dominate her time but it is courteous to let your host know if you have any of your own arrangements. Insta friend may not know you didn't know about arrangements. Regardless of why she left you out your guest should have told you...

Yes I’d be put out as she’s your friend too and would expect the friend staying with you to say ‘I’d love to come but I’m staying with mtl and it would be too awkward’
It’s what I’d say if I was staying with a friend but was invited to a mutual friend’s home.

It may well be that instagram friend feels she should make an effort to see visiting friend and this is really all she’s up to.

It’s not clear (unless I missed it) how long the visit is.

If it’s 2 nights then it feels off. But if it’s a week, less so. It’d be delighted if a friend stepped in to share the hosting: having a guest in your home 24/7 for an extended period is tiring!

Hmm I’m doing exactly the same thing. We have a wide group of friends some old some new and some relationships stronger than others. One moved away a few years ago but is coming back for a visit and staying with one of our mutual friends. I have invited her around for dinner but not the friend she’s staying with; I’m better friends with her, I want to spend time 121 and I can see other friend any time.
It never occurred to me to invite host friend too.