AIBU to wonder how people do this?

[Thegoldenoriole]

I have a 3yo and 11mo. I’ve just gone back to work full time, husband also works full time. I know this is the trenches, but I really do feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. It’s got me thinking how on earth is everyone else managing - or is everyone else quietly drowning out there?

The thing is, we have so much in our favour:

• Above average household income
• Generally happy and healthy children. 3yo can absolutely have mega tantrums but I’m very aware it could be so much harder
• Reasonable health ourselves
• Each other - DH is absolutely an equal partner
• High levels of executive function - both of us. We are “get shit done” people.
• Relatively understanding bosses
• Supportive wider family

Negatives:

• Not much leftover after mortgage, nursery and the basics - we can’t afford a cleaner, can barely afford a holiday.
• No local village - family are all 1 hour+ away so can’t babysit a random evening or just pop round (mixed blessing tbf!)
• High levels of responsibility and generally demanding jobs that sometimes involve evenings and weekends

But we’re both mentally exhausted all the time just keeping up with the day to day list of laundry, cooking and cleaning. We have various house and garden projects that pre-kids would have taken a weekend but now take months to complete. We try to give each other a bit of non-child time at weekends but it’s not “time off” it’s more like time to clean the house or go shopping unencumbered. Our sex life is on life support. Physical exercise is a non-starter. We only see friends when they organise it.

The thing that worries me is because I can’t pinpoint why we’re not coping, I don’t really see how it will get better. The kids are both asleep by 8.30 even on a bad night. How do we get more time back?!

It gets so much easier when the kids are older- I think you are being way to hard on yourselves.
Id write a list of priorities for you, for your relationship, being a parent and for the household. I found it if I ticked any of those off I put myself under less pressure and that meant more got done.

You get time back when you aren’t actively spooning food into their mouths, when they climb to the table on their own, reliably don’t kill themselves or each other if you stop looking at them. When they take themselves to the toilet, climb up the stairs to bed on their own etc.

You are in their trenches and can’t see the minutiae that keep you on high alert at all times. 💐

When they are of a suitable age, get grandparents to come for the weekend and take over, so you and DH can go to a spa hotel down the road for a quiet couple of nights. Swim, eat a meal someone else has cooked, go for a walk, read a book, have sex… sleep without interruption…

Welcome to juggling parenthood with careers.

One of you could opt to give up your career for a few years and be a SAHP? It would take huge amounts of stress out of your lives but you'd have a lower income.

It's quite normal for life to be totally hectic with very young children as well as having a career. Just wait until you get to school age with 13 weeks of school holidays to cover...

It does get easier though. Mine are now 10, 10 and 15. I feel like a taxi service and life is a constant juggling of clubs etc... but we manage. Plus teenager can babysit if we both need to be out at the same time. No After school club any more as they walk home and let themselves in until I get home 30 mins later etc...

Raising children is a full time job itself. I'd be more surprised if someone wasn't struggling when both parents work full time.

You’re doing fine, it is just an exhausting stage especially when you don’t have friends or family that can regularly help nearby.
Ime your in the middle if the hardest bit. Give it a year or two and it’ll start (slowly) improving.

Thanks for this, when you put it like that it is much more obvious why it’s hard! I guess I don’t really notice the constant caregiving because it’s so all consuming…

You're definitely in the trenches or "the tunnel" as we called it. It will get better! I'd say that if you're both working full time then you should definitely have a cleaner (but I note that you can't afford one).

If I could do four days and have a day to do house admin that would be amazing, but the reality is the only way we could afford to cut hours would be to also cut nursery days, and being at home with the kids doesn’t help. I loathed maternity leave (with toddler doing 3 days nursery) I was so bored and frustrated. My job is genuinely the best part of my life, it’s the only thing I’m doing well and feel kind of normal.

If work is going well, then honestly you have good times ahead! Just concentrate on keeping the kids alive for a few more years, then you get loads of fun stuff!
Don’t bother with holidays while they are small. It just disrupts them and makes life harder for you. Weekends away without them is the way to go, or indeed going for a break separately- hobby or exercise based perhaps.
Save holidays with the Dc for when they actually do make memories, appreciate new sights and sounds, and don’t need you keeping them alive moment by moment, so you enjoy it too!

This sounds like normal life with small children to me ?
everything’s on the back burner while you do the bare essentials -keeping your job and keeping the babies safe fed and happy.
its very hard with zero family support, I reduced my working hours after my second baby. After my third now and I’m taking a couple of years off work while baby is small.

It will get better. Just hang in there.

The general pressure is not unusual, but it's really tough going. Where money allows, some people deal with it by reducing hours to give more time at home with the kids.

The feelings you describe about boredom at home and work being the best part of your life might want attention as that sounds more emotional than practical.

Lots of aren’t coping any better than you. DH works full time, I work 4 days but with toddler at home on the 5th day and school runs for older child. It’s very hard, it hasn’t got easier here yet but am hoping once our youngest is out of the toddler stage it will.

Sometimes people don’t cope. When my children were 2 and 5 we decided both couldn’t work full time. It felt like a hamster wheel. In the week we rushed to do pick up, then bed time and then more work to catch up.

my partner now works part time in the week and self employed so has a little bit more flex in his schedule but it’s still tough

I think it’s partly also that you’ve only recently returned to FT work. You’re still adjusting. Hold onto that job satisfaction at all costs! It’s key!

I think people expect so much of themselves these days and then wonder why they're not coping. Your expectations of yourself are sky high.

Would your either of your works let you do 5 days in 4, or even 10 days in 9. So one of you got a day every other week to try and catch up with things? Or ideally both of you.

This is as hard and as expensive as its likely to be for a while (until the teenage years maybe?)

Presumably in the next year or so your eldest will be off to school, so nursery fees will be much less of a financial burden. I felt like I was rich when I stopped paying for nursery!

Until then it is a case of survival, and probably lowering your standards a bit. IMO its ok to not have a perfectly spotless house, to not be hitting the gym 3 times a week, to rely on that freezer tapas meal for ease and speed a couple of days a week - as long as everyone is loved, looked after and getting their needs met.

Also - make the most of your annual leave now, assuming both your kids are in nursery all year round. Once theyre in school, unless one/both of you work term time only, you'll be scraping the annual leave barrel to cover school holidays. Consider using that time now to strategically reduce your working weeks a bit. I used to love taking a day off mid week for a bit of a house and self-reset.

Not much leftover after mortgage, nursery and the basics - we can’t afford a cleaner, can barely afford a holiday.

Is this a joke?

I misread as you have a 3yo and an 11yo and thought of just get the 11yo to help out quite a lot while your youngest is so young. But no. The 11mo cannot do that!
We had somewhat the same, no family near, two young DC.
We let some of the house stuff lapse. We batch cooked dinners and made simple meals often. We took things in turn. We hired teen babysitters and went out even briefly just the two of us. We socialised with friends with same age DC.
They grew up and got easier. Even 2 and 4+ is much easier than 1 and 3+ because the 2yo starts to have some judgement and plays more with toys and the sibling. Now they do things like bake and go to uni. And in some ways I miss those tiny DC days!

It does get easier. It’s hard when they’re small. It’s especially hard with no help OP. You’re in the trenches right now.

Do you have friends with similar aged children you can swap babysitting with for a bit of time off together? My 2 have a similar age gap and I used to babysit my next door neighbours kids once a
month for her - just take my dinner round there and watch telly whilst her and her DH went out for dinner. And vice versa.

This gave us some time together away from the kids. Even just a couple of hours makes a difference. We’d diarise it every month so we didn’t forget. Having some normal “us” time is really helpful and even babysitting was quite relaxing just chilling out, painting my nails, watching the whilst her kids wee asleep.

I realise this doesn’t get the cleaning or washing done but it really helped me get a bit of time out once in a while.
Just an idea X

It’s the level of responsibility at work that took a beating for me. It actually got easier after divorce for me as no one to have to drag along. And then I got every other weekend off. I went to 4 days a week (Wednesdays off) and I’m in France where this was standard at the time. Mine were awful sleepers.
It is the worst bit though. When my youngest got to about 5 things got much better.
I set up everything for them to be as independent as possible as early as possible.

Go easy on yourself! We struggle to stay on top of house stuff most weeks and dont even have kids. Modern work and life expectations are just relentless.

Just want to say I totally relate to this part. I know a lot of people say that maternity leave should be the best time of your life etc but the reality is that not all mums feel this. I only have one kid and found it challenging; when I returned to work I found my work days easier and in some ways more enjoyable than family weekends (this has changed a lot now that my DD is older - I love and treasure the time with her now - but I'm still glad of the work days to change things up and provide a different sort of stimulation!).

I have mum friends with two or more who are juggling both / all of their kids on maternity leave and some of them tell me that they find it a lot more stressful than actually being at work would be.

Let's just say my respect for SAHPs (which was already high) has got even higher.

That said of course, juggling work and childcare is innately tough. I agree with everyone saying please don't be too hard on yourself. I don't think you can expect life to feel balanced and 'normal'. Occasionally I meet parents who seem to have the balancing act totally down and to be living amazing lives alongside being great parents and working... but I'm never totally sure that it's as breezy as it looks from the outside. There also tends to be a high level of financial security and extra paid or family help involved. I also suspect that some people just have a personality and skill set that naturally clicks with certain periods of parenting. Just as I found the baby and toddler phase hard but am loving the 3s, perhaps there are other parents who shine and struggle all different stages. And when you have two at once, that more than slightly complicates the picture!

I could have written your post as our situation is almost the exactly the same. I feel like I’m drowning all of the time even my kids are getting older now. Sometimes I feel like I’m actually losing my mind! Turning up and being a serious professional at work feels impossible some days and my confidence in my ability to do job has collapsed.

I don’t know what the answer is but I’m 3 or 4 years down the road from where you are and feel like we’re reaching breaking point.