AIBU to wonder how people do this?

[Thegoldenoriole]

I have a 3yo and 11mo. I’ve just gone back to work full time, husband also works full time. I know this is the trenches, but I really do feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. It’s got me thinking how on earth is everyone else managing - or is everyone else quietly drowning out there?

The thing is, we have so much in our favour:

• Above average household income
• Generally happy and healthy children. 3yo can absolutely have mega tantrums but I’m very aware it could be so much harder
• Reasonable health ourselves
• Each other - DH is absolutely an equal partner
• High levels of executive function - both of us. We are “get shit done” people.
• Relatively understanding bosses
• Supportive wider family

Negatives:

• Not much leftover after mortgage, nursery and the basics - we can’t afford a cleaner, can barely afford a holiday.
• No local village - family are all 1 hour+ away so can’t babysit a random evening or just pop round (mixed blessing tbf!)
• High levels of responsibility and generally demanding jobs that sometimes involve evenings and weekends

But we’re both mentally exhausted all the time just keeping up with the day to day list of laundry, cooking and cleaning. We have various house and garden projects that pre-kids would have taken a weekend but now take months to complete. We try to give each other a bit of non-child time at weekends but it’s not “time off” it’s more like time to clean the house or go shopping unencumbered. Our sex life is on life support. Physical exercise is a non-starter. We only see friends when they organise it.

The thing that worries me is because I can’t pinpoint why we’re not coping, I don’t really see how it will get better. The kids are both asleep by 8.30 even on a bad night. How do we get more time back?!

As PP have said, you're in the trenches right now! You won't believe how much easier it gets in a few years when the kids are more independent, even if they still have the occasional tantrum or difficult day.

Weeks of solo parenting during the day while my husband goes to work. My guess is most working women with pre-school age children have them in year round childcare, so organise AL around actual holidays and family time, rather than just doing childcare for the sake of it.

And no, I am not enjoying spending weekdays rushing home for nursery pick up, squeezing dinner, bath and bed into the next 2 hours and then marking books and catching up on emails for another 90 mins before showering and collapsing into bed; and weekends revolving entirely around how to get through the to-do list while keeping the children occupied. On the other hand, I also know that being at home with no real mental stimulation or adult conversation drives me mad.

It literally never crossed my mind that I could put them in holiday clubs when they’re old enough! Even a few mornings a week through the summer would be a lifesaver. Thanks for this - one to look forward to!

when they put their own seat belts on… now that is a hallelujah moment so it is!

I think your DH is delusional, sorry.

It is hard. Honestly people don’t talk enough about the challenges of juggling two careers. You get a slightly skewed picture at nursery as obviously most people are working but I realised when mine started school just how many women were sahms or working very part time. There are also a lot of people who have massive amounts of grandparent childcare. It does make a real difference as they know they can have sickness covered, the odd night of babysitting etc.

It does get easier. You’re right in the trenches and there are absolutely points when my kids were your age that we discussed me quitting me job. I’m glad I didn’t though. My pension is healthy and while I have guilt, my career has given us financial options and security. I also have a fulfilling career which will hopefully become easier as my children hit secondary school.

Parents that don't work in term time jobs and work full time have about 5 weeks annual leave.
I would dearly have loved to have loads more weeks just to do "childcare for the sake of it" aka spend time at home with my children.

I think you are finding it more tough than perhaps it should be because it doesn't sound like you particularly enjoy being with your children. I know it's pretty relentless when they're tiny but there should be periods of joy and fun.

I’m genuinely curious what you are doing with your kids that you find so enjoyable and fun?

Sure it’s nice seeing them have fun, learn new skills etc, but while there are plenty of lovely moments, there is only so much amusement I can get out of building duplo or going to the playground to push them on swings or watch them come down the slide for the 20th time. I can’t really relax around them either because at any given moment the baby might topple over or the toddler fling herself into a tantrum. I also struggle to do chores - of course it’s not impossible, it’s just harder than it would be without them around.

So “time at home with the children” becomes a endless cycle of finding things they want to do that I get, at best, vicarious enjoyment from; trudging through chores; and constantly watching out for their physical and emotional needs. What are you doing differently?

I should say none of this is a huge shock to me, I’ve worked with small children in both home and school environments for 15+ years so had a decent insight into the tedium, although the 24/7 relentlessness is hard to get your head around until you’re in it (a bit like sleep deprivation). I know it’s a phase and we will get through it. But I am baffled at how anyone could find it not tedious. I see plenty of parents gleefully sending their children back to school every September, suggesting they perhaps haven’t been finding joy in much of the six weeks together.

You get time and money as the kids get older

Your kids are still so small. You are in the trenches. It will get better just keep talking

Replying to this directly although I'm not the person who posted because I really disagree - don't think you 'should' enjoy time with your children. Everyone is different and we don't enjoy the same things at all.

I only have one DD and she is three. When I have lots of time with her I'm able to enjoy a lot of it but I don't always find it easy and I don't have a baby to contend with and multiple juggling to do! I don't think it's fair for anyone to imply that there is something wrong with you here.

The thing that helps me the most is structure. I think of it almost like a loose timetable for the day (but very loose). If I'm with my DD for a day, I have a range of things in my mind like we do duplo for a time; we will play with the dollhouse or another toy for a while; we will have a walk; we will go to a playground; we will maybe drop in and see someone or have someone round; we will have meals at the table; we will have stories; we will have time watching Peppa Pig or a disney film whilst we chill; we will have tidying up time. Obviously I'm led by her to an extent but dividing the time up like this makes me feel more emotionally regulated and purposeful, whilst I find it really hard if there is just a sense of nothingness that needs filling. Routines help me: fixed points of the day where we will aim to do a thing.

I also try to shape my DD to be interested in things I like to an extent. I love board games so I've bought simple Orchard games that we can play together. I love trains so I pushed to get her into a railway set. I buy books that I enjoy more and give me the chance to do silly voices even if they're a bit advanced for her because it's for my sanity! She doesn't always like what I like and I have to accept it but there's a degree of trying to shape her interests a bit so that we can be good companions for one another.

With a baby involved too it is way harder!

I know some parents go for weekly schedules etc and think I will use that when DD starts school and I end up with her for chunks of the holiday. At the moment it is just weekends and evenings as I work full time.

You can love your kids and be a great mum without enjoying every moment - or even most of the moments! When we start putting pressure on ourselves to police our own emotions, that is really too far!