Page 20 | Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

vodkacran · 27/09/2026 14:58

Ponderingwindow · 26/09/2026 14:34

I’m an autistic parent of an autistic child. We sometimes would decline invites. Other times I just knew I had to be much more hands on at parties than the other parents. It depended on the type of event what approach I took.

you really can’t exclude at the invite stage. You are in luck though. You could just invite the girls and your problem is solved.

Of course you can exclude. Why should half of the class miss out because of one violent boy?

Or, one boy misses out and half the class gets to go to the party, as planned.

I don't think it's fair at all that half a class, and the OPs daughter, should miss out due to one boys violent behaviour. This could be a lesson to the mum to learn to take the child away when he's being violent, breaking things and quite frankly ruining other children's birthday parties

OP have the party you and your daughter want. Don't change it all due to one boy.

Somedayitwillclick · 27/09/2026 15:01

MissIonX · 26/09/2026 17:24

And how exactly do children learn to develop coping strategies if they are always excluded and not given opportunities to try again?

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But it’s not on other parents to create the opportunity for the child to learn. Sorry you cant expect everyone to bend for sake of a ND child who parents aren’t giving them the right tools to cope in society.

if the parents dealt with his behaviour then he wouldn’t be excluded. I have ND child he presents completely different in different environments as parents we know which ones he copes in, and we have done things like only take him to the party for an hour and gradually built that up for him to be able function in everyday life without it causes discomfort to him or others around him

vodkacran · 27/09/2026 15:20

MissIonX · 26/09/2026 17:44

Those are all opportunities, yes. But why should an autistic child's opportunities to participate in ordinary childhood social experiences be restricted to settings specifically designed around their difficulties?

Children don't compartmentalise social learning quite so neatly. Learning to cope in a structured environment is useful; so is learning to navigate the messy, unpredictable social situations that other children routinely experience.

Obviously there are situations that genuinely aren't manageable for a particular child. I'm questioning the assumption that an ordinary birthday party should automatically be one of them simply because the child is autistic. It is morally wrong to me to have an all class but 1 party; it's mean and ableist.

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This is absolute lunacy.

I for one would absolutely not in hell facilitate an 'ordinary childhood social experience' for an opportunity for your child to practice his social skills, when it would risk the safety of my child, and enable a strong change that my child would be physically hurt.

You can never ever expect any parents to put the needs of your child over the needs of their own. Especially if that child is violent, breaks things and hurts people. Absolutely not. It's incredibly entitled for you to think that way too, which is part of a much bigger problem.

Oh, by the way, me and my DD are both neurodivergent.

Handrearedmagpie · 27/09/2026 15:31

I am the mother of an ASD child similar to the one described (tho never violent). I do get hurt if he isn't invited & literally cry every time someone tried to include him. I say no to many of the invites if it's in a venue I think he could ruin or not cope with, and tend to just take him for the first half of any church hall type parties so he can experience the party without too much overwhelm & I'm on him like a hawk throughout the entire time
Could you speak to the mum & say he is welcome but at the first sign of disruptive behaviour she needs to take him out?

Abbybright · 27/09/2026 15:42

vodkacran · 27/09/2026 15:20

This is absolute lunacy.

I for one would absolutely not in hell facilitate an 'ordinary childhood social experience' for an opportunity for your child to practice his social skills, when it would risk the safety of my child, and enable a strong change that my child would be physically hurt.

You can never ever expect any parents to put the needs of your child over the needs of their own. Especially if that child is violent, breaks things and hurts people. Absolutely not. It's incredibly entitled for you to think that way too, which is part of a much bigger problem.

Oh, by the way, me and my DD are both neurodivergent.

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I don’t think anyone thinks it’s okay for children to get hurt. Of course not!

It’s possible that this child may have been able to attend some or all of the party if certain accommodations were made. Nothing too difficult or fancy…maybe the availability of a room he could withdraw to with his mum if needed. Or a heads up before any particularly noisy activity maybe. Or arriving later so the party isn’t too long for him. Perhaps his dad could come along as well as mum for back up.

With careful planning a lot of things are achievable without anyone being in the firing line.
It might have been worth having that conversation.

vodkacran · 27/09/2026 16:47

Abbybright · 27/09/2026 15:42

I don’t think anyone thinks it’s okay for children to get hurt. Of course not!

It’s possible that this child may have been able to attend some or all of the party if certain accommodations were made. Nothing too difficult or fancy…maybe the availability of a room he could withdraw to with his mum if needed. Or a heads up before any particularly noisy activity maybe. Or arriving later so the party isn’t too long for him. Perhaps his dad could come along as well as mum for back up.

With careful planning a lot of things are achievable without anyone being in the firing line.
It might have been worth having that conversation.

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I think the OP has already mentioned that the mum turns a blind eye and does absolutely nothing to try and diffuse the situation, as well as most parents in the class complaining about the child too. Yes the mum is more helpless when the child is in school, but she seemingly turned a blind eye at him thoroughly ruining someone else's birthday party. I'd have done the same as OP in this instance.

IdaGlossop · 27/09/2026 16:51

From OP's account, the mother of the child who was violent has not served her child well. If she intervened as soon as her child becomes violent, most parents would be happy for him to invite him to parties.

My DD's closest friend at primary school had a younger brother who was severely autistic (non-verbal but very vocal, awake and shouting throughout the night, doubly incontinent, prone to bolting, and unpredictably violent). My DD had tea at their house regularly and the whole family came round to dinner at our house and to picnics in public parks organised by us.

This post has made me realise that these two things happened because I trusted the parents and knew they were getting lots of support on how to manage their son's condition. If I had witnessed the brother creating mayhem in the school yard at pick-up time while his parents sat on the sidelines, I doubt I would have allowed my DD to go to tea there.

Abbybright · 27/09/2026 17:55

If she intervened as soon as her child becomes violent, most parents would be happy for him to invite him to parties.

The time to intervene is well before the child becomes violent. I know OP has been very disparaging about the mother, but I’d just say that parenting an autistic child usually means the parenting strategies used are, by necessity, very different and other parents who are not used to them can look askance at them.

An autistic meltdown is akin to a panic attack in terms of how you deal with it. They are best avoided if at all possible. Of course I agree mum should have removed her child before he started throwing and hitting. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding him gently in place if he does become overwhelmed though, which OP seemed to scoff at.

It goes without saying that no other child should be frightened or injured and things have gone very badly wrong if that’s happening. Nobody could condone that happening and I certainly don’t.

It does sound here like mum could do with more support to support her son in these situations, but I’m reluctant to believe OP’s view that she is okay with her son’s violence towards other children simply because he’s autistic . She would be very unusual if this were the case. Mostly parents of autistic children are very upset if things go wrong and they also are well aware they’re being judged harshly (as is happening on this thread).

It doesn’t sound as if the child is being supported correctly in school either, probably due to lack of resources and/or training. I attended a presentation recently where an autistic researcher had shadowed autistic adults (who also had an intellectual disability) in a care home. One of them ended the day with a violent meltdown. The researcher was not surprised as he had been actively indicating his increasing levels of distress throughout the day. The care worker was astounded however, as she had missed every sign. To her the meltdown came out of the blue, but it had not.
Similar events happen in schools too often and it sounds like they’re happening in this child’s case as well, and it isn’t fair on anyone involved.

Thatsalineallright · 27/09/2026 18:10

Abbybright · 27/09/2026 13:10

he’s got a lifetime of navigating his disability in front of him and the earlier he learns that it’s not an excuse to behave badly, the less difficult his life will be.

I hate reading these comments.

I completely understand that the OP doesn’t want disruption at his child’s party, but at the same time it’s hard to see the discussion here primarily framed in terms of the boy’s ‘bad behaviour’ and the mother’s uselessness.
Probably because my own DS is autistic too.

Many posters have said he’s not being excluded because of his disability, but because of his bad behaviour.
But you cannot untangle those things in a 6 year old. One is a direct result of the other.

Imagine a class of children running a race. Two don’t even get started. One in a wheelchair so that’s considered fine, absolutely understandable as of course it is.
The other has an invisible disability, autistic, adhd, and is so totally overwhelmed he can’t process what’s going on. He doesn’t run, he pushes kids away if they’re getting in his space. Too loud, too close, too confusing, too distressing. Total overwhelm.

He’s considered the ‘bad’ one then.
He’s not bad, he’s disabled and he can’t cope.

And yes, he shouldn’t be put in that situation then. But it takes time to figure this out. At age 6, I didn’t even know my DS was autistic. I didn’t understand why he struggled when others didn’t. I didn’t know what to do when he did.

I think the mum here is hoping for the best by bringing him to parties. She doesn’t want him left out, which is understandable. This is a very steep learning curve for a parent. I look back now at decisions I made when DS was younger and know that I got a lot of things wrong. Mostly because I wasn’t as experienced as I am now.
She is struggling here, I guarantee it.

Also, I know even today that people look at my parenting and judge. Because if DS is in a distressed state, you cannot go in hard then. He can’t even hear you and it would make things infinitely worse. I know people think ‘oh she’s far too soft, that’s the trouble’. It’s not.
I do mostly know what I’m doing by now.
It took a while.

If you go on the SN boards here you’ll see the same thing repeated time and time again. The judgement by people who don’t understand…it’s very hard.

Having said all this, of course the boy in this situation can’t be allowed to hurt his classmates. That’s very clear.

I wouldn’t have sent the text OP did though.
Excluding a disabled 6 year old is not something I’d do. I’d try to talk with the mother to see if a plan could be put in place to facilitate an attendance that wouldn’t overwhelm him. Much easier said than done I know and I’m years at this now.

I do hear what you're saying about needing a softer approach etc but surely that goes out the window if your DS ever becomes physically violent with another child? Then it has to be a case of grab hold of him and remove him from the situation no matter what.

That's the sticking point for me. This boy OP is describing has a history of violence. The other children deserve to be and feel fully safe during a birthday party of all things. If the mum can't guarantee that she shouldn't bring him.

Abbybright · 27/09/2026 18:24

I wouldn’t have been able to carry my 6/7 year son while he was having a meltdown.
She needs to be able to act before it happens.

Or if possible bring dad as backup to get him out of there fast if he’s lost it.

But really, preventing it before it happens would be the aim. I’d be very reluctant to bring my child somewhere I really thought he couldn’t cope. Not fair on him or anyone else. But careful planning can make all the difference between coping and not coping and you usually know how things are going by keeping a very close eye. Things can still go wrong sometimes though. DS hurts himself not others so it’s different.

Hellorainyday · 27/09/2026 18:44

I think you have tried to be as kind and as reasonable as possible in a difficult situation but your daughter must be your priority. If there is any pushback from the parents I would be describing the hitting of your daughter as the main concern and that you don’t want her to have to worry.

TheOriginalEmu · 28/09/2026 12:05

Easilyforgotten · 27/09/2026 10:05

And therin lies the difficulty. I don't think anyone is saying it's the child fault. We only have the OP's word for it, but it appears that the Mum is doing next to nothing to manage the behaviour, to the detriment of the birthday child and the other children attending the party. Certainly I, and probably many of those saying not to invite him, would be happy to make practical accommodations IF the suggestions were reasonable and she could be relied upon the manage/remove if the situation required it. The party giver and other children would be more relaxed about invites if it was a case of 'we'll invite x but if he can't cope he'll leave and there will be minimum disruption', especially if Mum can head it off before it happens.
This particular child is also violent, and lashes out. This is something the Mum may not be able to act quickly enough to stop. Are you honestly saying, if this were your childs party, that you would force your child to invite a child known to hurt them, have the stress and unpleasantness of having to manage the risks that child posed to all the children present, while knowing the Mum wasn't open to being asked to do address her own child's behaviour? And all the while the child is attending an event that is almost guaranteed to overwhelm him, and he would most probably be better off avoiding for his own sake, let alone everyone else's?
There is an ideal world, and then there is the real world.

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I fully understand all those points and I don’t disagree with you necessarily, but i still could not and would not exclude one child in a class. OP asked for opinions and that is my feeling on it. I just couldn’t do it. I would speak to his mother at the very least before doing that. Your kid isn’t likely to remember having a bit of a shit party, that child who is excluded may well remember that forever. I know my son does still remember being excluded from things (not violence, just being non-verbal and ‘weird’) years and years later.

Overthebow · 28/09/2026 15:38

Abbybright · 27/09/2026 15:42

I don’t think anyone thinks it’s okay for children to get hurt. Of course not!

It’s possible that this child may have been able to attend some or all of the party if certain accommodations were made. Nothing too difficult or fancy…maybe the availability of a room he could withdraw to with his mum if needed. Or a heads up before any particularly noisy activity maybe. Or arriving later so the party isn’t too long for him. Perhaps his dad could come along as well as mum for back up.

With careful planning a lot of things are achievable without anyone being in the firing line.
It might have been worth having that conversation.

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So OP needs to pay for another room and/or needs to keep track of the activities and noise levels at the party at all times to be able to give a heads up. Realistically it’s not going to happen at a 6 year olds party. There’s other things OP will need to be doing like keeping his own child happy, sorting the food, sorting the cake, sorting any issues. Most of us do not have time to be considering these things at our DCs parties, or have the headspace for it. It’s a party, there will be noise at random times. The OPs dd should not have to invite anyone she doesn’t want to, especially not someone who hurts hurt and her friends.

Overthebow · 28/09/2026 15:41

TheOriginalEmu · 28/09/2026 12:05

I fully understand all those points and I don’t disagree with you necessarily, but i still could not and would not exclude one child in a class. OP asked for opinions and that is my feeling on it. I just couldn’t do it. I would speak to his mother at the very least before doing that. Your kid isn’t likely to remember having a bit of a shit party, that child who is excluded may well remember that forever. I know my son does still remember being excluded from things (not violence, just being non-verbal and ‘weird’) years and years later.

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It’s OPs DDs party, not the boy. Of course the dd doesn’t have to invite someone she doesn’t like because they hurt her. And no she should not have to put up with having a bit of a shit party just to try and include someone who hurts her and she may be frightened of. What a ridiculous thing to say.

vodkacran · 28/09/2026 15:45

Overthebow · 28/09/2026 15:41

It’s OPs DDs party, not the boy. Of course the dd doesn’t have to invite someone she doesn’t like because they hurt her. And no she should not have to put up with having a bit of a shit party just to try and include someone who hurts her and she may be frightened of. What a ridiculous thing to say.

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Fully agree!

yeah lets invite the one boy who ruins it for everyone else and is violent and prioritise his needs over the safety and happiness of the birthday girl, and her friends.

KiwiFall · 28/09/2026 16:18

Speak to the mum and explain the violence and that you won’t risk your daughter’s birthday being spoilt but you don’t want to exclude her son. Can they come to maybe the last half an hour? I would say the first and leave before others come but it doesn’t sound like the mum would be able to agree to that if she doesn’t deal with him spoiling other parties. I would then say if she doesn’t agree to this I wouldn’t invite him at all.

AmnesiacDream · 28/09/2026 21:01

TheOriginalEmu · 28/09/2026 12:05

I fully understand all those points and I don’t disagree with you necessarily, but i still could not and would not exclude one child in a class. OP asked for opinions and that is my feeling on it. I just couldn’t do it. I would speak to his mother at the very least before doing that. Your kid isn’t likely to remember having a bit of a shit party, that child who is excluded may well remember that forever. I know my son does still remember being excluded from things (not violence, just being non-verbal and ‘weird’) years and years later.

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Some kids absolutely do remember being hit at their birthday party and they remember that they asked for the violent child not to come but being told they had to invite him or not have a party.

HannahSqan · 30/09/2026 03:35

tomWh · 26/09/2026 13:39

Hello

I am a single dad with a 6 (almost 7) year-old daughter, and I am currently organizing her birthday party, a traditional party with a bouncy castle, inflatables etc.

The plan was for a whole class party, but I am very worried about one little boy who has autism. It sounds harsh, but he ruins every child's birthday he gets invited to the latest one was only a few weeks ago. He caused chaos and, honestly, the day was spoiled as he ended up upsetting a lot of the other children. He screamed around the whole place, demanding the music be stopped as he couldn't cope with it. He threw toys at people (breaking some of them), he hit other children and had a massive meltdown when the cake started to be cut as he wanted it to be whole, and when given a slice of cake, he proceeded to launch it across the room whilst also kicking one of the food tables, sending some of it flying

The parents of the birthday boy were understandably annoyed that the day was being ruined and the mother of the boy causing the issues doesn't deal with it very well. .Now to be fair, I can't imagine how difficult her daily life is dealing with this behavior, but she just has the belief that, as he has autism, we should be accepting of his issues and let it be, and she is very vocal that he should never be left out of something simply because he has auitms she will try and gently ask him to stop the behavior and when things get really bad she will try and hold him in one place for a moment, but that's pretty much it

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions and I can't see the point of spending all this money on a birthday party just for him to have a chance to spoil yet another party, but I also don't think its fair not to throw my daughter a party because of one child now I will be printing off the invitations today ready to handed out on Monday and I don't what to do as excluding him seems cruel, but I don't see him behaving at my daughter's party any different than he has all the others, and I'm dreading another party full of injured crying and scared kids.

What would you do? Any advice on approaching the mum would also be appreciated, but I would say she's not all that open about discussing her son and just believes he should be at everything no matter the chaos it causes.

As a part with that ASD child. I think its a bit of both. My child is in weekly therepies x 3 to learn to behave and fit into this world. He is 9 and now getting it. But it stings never to be invited anywhere. To an extent the world does need to be even a little bit more accepting. Eg if he is jumping on the spot or making excited noises I know adults hate it but really we could be a bit accepting. The issue here is the mum who is aware her kid has disruptive behaviours but does nothing to try and prevent or divert them. Really the mum needs strategies. And he will just be excluded if she makes no effort.
eg i would remove my son if the music was too loud and give him breaks outside. Cake time is by far the hardest so i would sit at the back and cuddle him on my lap and hold him back from the cake.
but the reality of having “that kid” is hell. Its hell 24/7 not just at other peoples parties. This is not what parenting is meant to be and I love it when people make even the smallest effort to include him.

Bigcat25 · 30/09/2026 03:43

I have a child with autism and I would never let his behavior get anywhere near what you described before withdrawing him from the event. I would never let him spoil another kids party to this degree.

He has to learn to cope, or it may not be the right environment for him. Perhaps effort could be made to include him to a lower stakes event, like playtime at the park, but not this.