Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

[tomWh]

Hello

I am a single dad with a 6 (almost 7) year-old daughter, and I am currently organizing her birthday party, a traditional party with a bouncy castle, inflatables etc.

The plan was for a whole class party, but I am very worried about one little boy who has autism. It sounds harsh, but he ruins every child's birthday he gets invited to the latest one was only a few weeks ago. He caused chaos and, honestly, the day was spoiled as he ended up upsetting a lot of the other children. He screamed around the whole place, demanding the music be stopped as he couldn't cope with it. He threw toys at people (breaking some of them), he hit other children and had a massive meltdown when the cake started to be cut as he wanted it to be whole, and when given a slice of cake, he proceeded to launch it across the room whilst also kicking one of the food tables, sending some of it flying

The parents of the birthday boy were understandably annoyed that the day was being ruined and the mother of the boy causing the issues doesn't deal with it very well. .Now to be fair, I can't imagine how difficult her daily life is dealing with this behavior, but she just has the belief that, as he has autism, we should be accepting of his issues and let it be, and she is very vocal that he should never be left out of something simply because he has auitms she will try and gently ask him to stop the behavior and when things get really bad she will try and hold him in one place for a moment, but that's pretty much it

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions and I can't see the point of spending all this money on a birthday party just for him to have a chance to spoil yet another party, but I also don't think its fair not to throw my daughter a party because of one child now I will be printing off the invitations today ready to handed out on Monday and I don't what to do as excluding him seems cruel, but I don't see him behaving at my daughter's party any different than he has all the others, and I'm dreading another party full of injured crying and scared kids.

What would you do? Any advice on approaching the mum would also be appreciated, but I would say she's not all that open about discussing her son and just believes he should be at everything no matter the chaos it causes.

Just don’t invite him - end of
we had one of these in my daughters class and it was a nightmare but ultimately if you’re paying for your child to celebrate their birthday and have a nice time then you don’t want it spoiling.

Ah yes because a stern word fixes autism 🤣

Me too @Blueuggboots

Who is?

Agree with this. It's not going to be a revelation to her how her son behaves!!

Don't invite him and don't instigate a conversation about it. It's asking for trouble!

Invite 15 - 20 kids and save yourself some hassle and money.

30 kids on a trampoline - or trying to get on it is a bad idea!

Don’t invite him and if the mum ask why tell her he doesn’t cope well in this sort of situation, it may also help her to deal with the situation better in the future.

He is being excluded because his disability makes his behaviour challenging, his mum might be doing the best she can or maybe she isn’t, either way it’s not the child’s fault and punishing him this way is cruel.

You handed it really well iyam.

It really doesn't sound as if the mum is doing her best. Either way, why should a group of 7 year olds have to put up with it?

Just don't invite him?

My son was/is like the child you mention. He has been invited to very few birthdays and it hurts (me, not him, he’s none the wiser). When he has gone to an event, we are on him like a hawk, ready to distract and bribe, ready to leave early. Honestly, I’d be tempted not to invite him and if questioned, don’t reference Autism but his behaviour at other parties. You will be judged though. If you can I’d probably change the party plan, at that age there are less full class parties and more smaller groups. Avoid invites on group chats or school gates and set up a smaller WhatsApp group.

If you choose to go ahead, try and be prepared, ear defenders, quiet space, maybe a tent or darkened room, cupcakes rather than a whole cake, have some adults ready to intervene gently, like away from the fan of the bouncy castle. Limit the toys, 20+kids on sugar, running in circles is chaos enough.

Glad you sent the message.

It's not cruel
You cannot expect others children to accept violence from any other child. Utterly ludicrous.

Why should other children who have done nothing wrong not be invited?
If your child with sn cannot cope in such an environment why insist on taking them?
Why should the op only have to invite girls or reduce numbers?

Why? Why should other children (the other boys in this case) be subject to collective punishment and miss out because of his actions? That’s not right.

This.

It's just shit to exclude one kid out of a whole class from a party. Whatever the reason it's shit

Still, as I said earlier some have good social skills and some don't and on this very thread we've had posters applauding the op for messaging the parent of a dc with sens explaining why their dc was not invited fgs.

Practically how are you going to invite people? You can't ask the school to give out paper invites or stand in the playground doing it.
Also as always on these posts you have mentioned the whole class is scared of him/implied no one likes him and that mum doesn't intervene.
I would be very careful as mum may actually be friends with some of the other parents and you might not be aware of this. Even if others might make noises around you to suggest yeah they agree they might be taking that info back to mum.
You are at least trying to deal with it directly but playground politics can be tricky (and if mum has a gang of friends to back her up and point you out as being the man who discriminates against children with send that might make other parents concerned about you).

Well done @tomWh. A difficult decision but the right one.

Eye opening how many people don’t want the kid there but rather than be explicit would hide behind actions that disadvantage other children because of the offenders actions.

What would the alternative be to not inviting this one boy? Imagine the scene, he’s there, he quickly becomes overstimulated and overwhelmed, he hurts some of the other partygoers so there are multiple children crying, food is thrown, the party is ruined.

I can’t see how that’s kind to anyone, including the boy in question. His behaviour will lead to more unhappiness, more complaints, more social exclusion from the other children - and he himself has to struggle through all that overwhelm and dysregulation, he’d be exhausted after and probably develop an aversion to parties and play areas. It wouldn’t be fun for anyone, including him.

If you are saying it’s horrendously cruel to exclude this boy, how would you manage the situation? What would you do? Let him come and ruin things, let him come and send him home at the first scream?

It seems to me that the mum is the one at fault here, I imagine her life is incredibly hard but if she repeatedly puts him in these situations and then lets them deteriorate in this way, she is doing him no favours at all. Why can’t she accept an invite and bring him for 15 minutes early, before the party gets busy, then take him home with a party bag? That way he wouldn’t get to the point he’s at, and he hasn’t been excluded. But her insistence on INclusion means that he will be more and more EXcluded.

Dad is not in the wrong to not create a party that is accessible to everyone, and he’s not in the wrong to not accommodate a violent child, disability or not disability. It’s not as if he’s the local authority or anything. I personally think he’s a great parent for putting his daughter first.
Putting the child’s disability aside, I do not think we should be teaching our girls (or boys for that matter) that they should tolerate and absorb violence. No way will I teach my daughters that there is any excusable reason for male violence against girls and women.

My son was a bit like this when he was younger . Eventually he stopped getting invited .
It made me as the mum feel very isolated.

He is an older teen now and is very solitary … think he learned that people just don’t like him, so now chooses to avoid them .

Agree with what you have decided to do.
you will probably find a lot of the parents who’s kids are attending the party are relieved that the child is not there.
it is sad and I know a few parents with autistic children can preempt their child’s meltdowns or violence. Sounds like this mum does not.

No. If my dd doesn’t want to invite someone in her class because they are violent towards her and others, and she is scared of them coming to her party then there’s no way I’d invite them. She’d be worrying on the lead up to her party and wouldn’t enjoy it as much. It’s her party, her wishes are the most important.