Single dad looking for advice about birthday party issue.

[tomWh]

Hello

I am a single dad with a 6 (almost 7) year-old daughter, and I am currently organizing her birthday party, a traditional party with a bouncy castle, inflatables etc.

The plan was for a whole class party, but I am very worried about one little boy who has autism. It sounds harsh, but he ruins every child's birthday he gets invited to the latest one was only a few weeks ago. He caused chaos and, honestly, the day was spoiled as he ended up upsetting a lot of the other children. He screamed around the whole place, demanding the music be stopped as he couldn't cope with it. He threw toys at people (breaking some of them), he hit other children and had a massive meltdown when the cake started to be cut as he wanted it to be whole, and when given a slice of cake, he proceeded to launch it across the room whilst also kicking one of the food tables, sending some of it flying

The parents of the birthday boy were understandably annoyed that the day was being ruined and the mother of the boy causing the issues doesn't deal with it very well. .Now to be fair, I can't imagine how difficult her daily life is dealing with this behavior, but she just has the belief that, as he has autism, we should be accepting of his issues and let it be, and she is very vocal that he should never be left out of something simply because he has auitms she will try and gently ask him to stop the behavior and when things get really bad she will try and hold him in one place for a moment, but that's pretty much it

Now I agree it is awful for the little boy, but he has been extremely violent towards my daughter on several occasions and I can't see the point of spending all this money on a birthday party just for him to have a chance to spoil yet another party, but I also don't think its fair not to throw my daughter a party because of one child now I will be printing off the invitations today ready to handed out on Monday and I don't what to do as excluding him seems cruel, but I don't see him behaving at my daughter's party any different than he has all the others, and I'm dreading another party full of injured crying and scared kids.

What would you do? Any advice on approaching the mum would also be appreciated, but I would say she's not all that open about discussing her son and just believes he should be at everything no matter the chaos it causes.

Surely you talked to him about the disruptive behaviour being the reason he stopped being invited?

Can’t be arsed RTFT but no you can’t invite the whole class except the kid with autism. You’ll have to reduce the list down further to her closest friends.

Why not ? OP wouldn’t be excluding him because of his autism, but because of the bad behaviour. The former is not an excuse for the latter and the sooner he learns the lesson the sooner he’ll be included. There is no reason on earth for excluding anyone on the grounds of disability, just as there is no reason on earth why others should tolerate bad behaviour by giving a free pass for bad behaviour just because the person is disabled.

This is the issue isn’t it ? It’s a simple equation. Behave badly = people don’t like you.

Whilst I agree, you know how this looks and I’m afraid I couldn’t personally be that parent. It won’t look like he’s excluding this child due to bad behaviour, it’s obvious how this will look. Also put yourself in the shoes of this small child when everyone in the class receives an invitation and he doesn’t. He’s 6, they’re in year 2.

Yes of course . But when the time came he couldn’t cope.

Tbh I think the social exclusions probably affected me more than him - made me feel very isolated as a parent.
But now he is older thankfully things are different all
round.

Respectfully, that’s you deciding that your child and his/her guests enjoying the birthday party is less important than ‘the optics’, and whether you might look bad in the eyes of other parents. I mean, obviously you’re free to do that, but what your saying to your child is ‘Your enjoyment of your own party is less important than me potentially looking bad because I didn’t invite a child with a track record of being violent to you and disrupting other children’s parties because his mother won’t parent him sufficiently on the day to prevent him ruining things.’

Don't invite him. Autism or not, it's your daughter's party. He's hurt her and is likely to ruin her birthday.

And therin lies the difficulty. I don't think anyone is saying it's the child fault. We only have the OP's word for it, but it appears that the Mum is doing next to nothing to manage the behaviour, to the detriment of the birthday child and the other children attending the party. Certainly I, and probably many of those saying not to invite him, would be happy to make practical accommodations IF the suggestions were reasonable and she could be relied upon the manage/remove if the situation required it. The party giver and other children would be more relaxed about invites if it was a case of 'we'll invite x but if he can't cope he'll leave and there will be minimum disruption', especially if Mum can head it off before it happens.
This particular child is also violent, and lashes out. This is something the Mum may not be able to act quickly enough to stop. Are you honestly saying, if this were your childs party, that you would force your child to invite a child known to hurt them, have the stress and unpleasantness of having to manage the risks that child posed to all the children present, while knowing the Mum wasn't open to being asked to do address her own child's behaviour? And all the while the child is attending an event that is almost guaranteed to overwhelm him, and he would most probably be better off avoiding for his own sake, let alone everyone else's?
There is an ideal world, and then there is the real world.

The optics of this are irrelevant. OP knows why he wouldn’t be inviting him and it’s nothing to do with his disability - it’s about ensuring the safety and enjoyment of other invitees. At six the boy is old enough to grasp the concept that if he behaves badly he won’t be invited to these things. It’s a very hard life lesson I agree, but he’s got a lifetime of navigating his disability in front of him and the earlier he learns that it’s not an excuse to behave badly, the less difficult his life will be.

I wouldn’t invite him. End of. Your child has to put up with that behaviour during school time of which she has no choice - she shouldn’t have to put up with it outside of school

Did you take him out when he started kicking off or just let him carry on?

We always left . He wasn’t kicking off . He would become overwhelmed and have a meltdown .

But isn't unfair to suggest the birthday boy/girl not have a big cake or many toys, suggest the hosts shell out for a quiet tent and ear defenders, suggest other adults dedicate themselves to just looking after the one boy? Aren't those things the mum should be arranging if needed?

he’s got a lifetime of navigating his disability in front of him and the earlier he learns that it’s not an excuse to behave badly, the less difficult his life will be.

I hate reading these comments.

I completely understand that the OP doesn’t want disruption at his child’s party, but at the same time it’s hard to see the discussion here primarily framed in terms of the boy’s ‘bad behaviour’ and the mother’s uselessness.
Probably because my own DS is autistic too.

Many posters have said he’s not being excluded because of his disability, but because of his bad behaviour.
But you cannot untangle those things in a 6 year old. One is a direct result of the other.

Imagine a class of children running a race. Two don’t even get started. One in a wheelchair so that’s considered fine, absolutely understandable as of course it is.
The other has an invisible disability, autistic, adhd, and is so totally overwhelmed he can’t process what’s going on. He doesn’t run, he pushes kids away if they’re getting in his space. Too loud, too close, too confusing, too distressing. Total overwhelm.

He’s considered the ‘bad’ one then.
He’s not bad, he’s disabled and he can’t cope.

And yes, he shouldn’t be put in that situation then. But it takes time to figure this out. At age 6, I didn’t even know my DS was autistic. I didn’t understand why he struggled when others didn’t. I didn’t know what to do when he did.

I think the mum here is hoping for the best by bringing him to parties. She doesn’t want him left out, which is understandable. This is a very steep learning curve for a parent. I look back now at decisions I made when DS was younger and know that I got a lot of things wrong. Mostly because I wasn’t as experienced as I am now.
She is struggling here, I guarantee it.

Also, I know even today that people look at my parenting and judge. Because if DS is in a distressed state, you cannot go in hard then. He can’t even hear you and it would make things infinitely worse. I know people think ‘oh she’s far too soft, that’s the trouble’. It’s not.
I do mostly know what I’m doing by now.
It took a while.

If you go on the SN boards here you’ll see the same thing repeated time and time again. The judgement by people who don’t understand…it’s very hard.

Having said all this, of course the boy in this situation can’t be allowed to hurt his classmates. That’s very clear.

I wouldn’t have sent the text OP did though.
Excluding a disabled 6 year old is not something I’d do. I’d try to talk with the mother to see if a plan could be put in place to facilitate an attendance that wouldn’t overwhelm him. Much easier said than done I know and I’m years at this now.

I know it’s too late in this case, but the availability of a quiet room to withdraw to can make a huge difference. DS still needs this when we go to family parties and he’s an older teen now. He goes to another room and watches TV or his phone (I brought toys when he was younger) and he just needs that sometimes.

If a host knows in advance this is often doable and not costly. Obviously mum would have needed to stay with him to supervise in OP’s case. Of course, sometimes an extra room isn’t available, I understand that too.
But when it is, it’s a simple thing that can really help.

You couldn't personally be that parent who what? Prioritises their own child's physical and mental wellbeing over a violent child? Inviting your child's abusers to their birthday party because you care more about being seen as inclusive than being a good parent is not a flex.

Does nobody understand the difference between excluding and not inviting? It's only exclusion if the person in question has a legal or moral right to be included. Nobody has the right to be invited to a private party.

I’d give the child a chance by setting things up so they hopefully didn’t become overwhelmed. I’ve have tried. I’d have spoken with the mother instead of just texting that he’s excluded.

He’s a disabled 6 year old who’s struggling, not an abuser.
I know OP doesn’t care about that part.
Because of my own experience, I do, even though my own child withdrew at school rather than lashing out.
I understand that you don’t get that.

But it isn’t because the child is autistic. It’s because he’s a danger to other children. OP has a perfect right to protect his DD and the other children at the party from this boy’s behaviour. He has a disability. And while I know how difficult that can be, it’s not for a party of similarly aged children to accommodate that disability if it puts them at risk.

The boy has already attacked OP’s daughter. I wouldn’t invite anyone to my birthday who’d attacked me. Why should a 6 year old? Why would anyone?

Completely agree @AnneLovesGilbert

That’s the thing though isn’t it’s he’s 6, they’re all 6. Why should the other 6 year olds have to accommodate of the birthday child doesn’t want him at her party because he’s hurt her? Maybe she’s scared for him to come whilst knowing there’s the possibility of it happening again. She deserves to feel safe at her own party. If anyone hurt my 6 year old dd there’s no way they’d be invited to her party, the reason why doesn’t matter to me.

Anyone?

So if, say, your 6 year old autistic niece lashed out at you when she was having a panic attack, you wouldn’t invite her to the next gathering at your home?

Or would you try to set things up such that the overwhelm hopefully wouldn’t happen again, and would be better controlled if it did?

I do know that’s a completely different situation to OP’s, but I think sometimes people make sweeping statements on here without really thinking about things. I’d be surprised if you didn’t make allowances for disabled children, who are acting out because they just can’t cope, in at least some situations.

But maybe you wouldn’t, I don’t know.

Again I know OP’s is a different situation before I’m pounced on.

I completely agree with OP.
please come back to us with an update @tomWh