to think some people do not deserve to have kids? the mean bastards

[greenladybird]

cannot understand they way some people treat thier own kids.

makes me feel sick.

Do you think greenladybird is passive aggressive and punishes her children with long silences and evil stares?

did she ever say how old her dc's were?

Greenlady, one thing you need to learn about Mumsnet is that there are two possible takes on Parents and that they each have their own place on the forum.

One is:
Parents are well-meaning creatures who have occasional off-moments.
This view belongs to the forum in general.

The other view is confined to the Toxic Parents thread and is not allowed to spill over and contaminate other threads. We want to know where we are on this forum.

The difference between Toxic Parents and Deserving Parents is a generational one. My generation=deserving. Previous generations=variable but may include the toxic.

It is perfectly ok to post in the Toxic thread that my parents made life hell to me by shouting at me all the time or calling me names or belittling me whatever. You will get nothing but sympathy.

But if you post about somebody who is currently doing the parenting job that my friend/sister/neighbour is poisoning her dc's lives by constant shouting or name-calling or belittling, then you will get flamed.

You may however post the above about a man. But it should go in the Relationships thread. And he will be called abusive.

Oooooooh my mum was a silence and stares mum-used to scare me rigid-you never knew what was coming! Much worse punishment IMO-used to make me shake all over!

2 of mine are sn and i still make them learn about consequences!

ds2 (not sn( lost his shoes this am, he was late and I refused ton cover for him. maybe tomorow he will put his shoes in thre cupboard? if so (dpubt it) job done!

cory - you should write 'An introduction to MN' for newbies. Would save us all some time and grief...

Ok what Cory is saying is annoyingly somewhat true.

However we all recognise the difference between someone who continually and wilfully undermines their childs confidence either through swearing, belittling or ignoring them, and those of us who are generally pretty good parents but occasionally get exasperated and don't always manage to contain ourselves before the odd word slips out.

I'm not sure that the poor OP in the PE thread has done anything worthy of such over analysis, but clearly it has touched some sort of raw nerve in greenladybird, who hopefully will share some of her top techniques for never, ever, ever getting any aspect of parenting wrong and remaining serene and calm at all times. I'm putting my money on valium.

Have to admit I joined in jumping on the OP in the middleclass restaurant thread.

OOH am intrigued! Must go read this PE thread see what all the fuss is about.

And GLB I must be a mega bitch I shouted at my 2YO DS and put him on time out for 2 mins earlier for playing with a plug socket or should I have let him be electrocuted? Perhaps that would have been kinder .

BTW socket covers are now firmly in place!

I know someone who never taught her ds about consequences...She spent his childhood making excuses for him and has never made him face up to the consequences of his actions. A lost pe kit would be the very least of her worries now. Last I heard he had sold all his younger siblings toys and is perpetually in trouble with the police. His aunt actually warned me not to leave my bag unattended at his home
His mum is still making excuses for his behaviour.

Having read the thread which started this I have come to the conclusion that the OP is deranged and has no sense of humour. Either that or she/he is a troll - as an adoptive parent I take a dim view of dimwits who troll about people not deserving to have children.

I've posted this on MN before, but make no apology, as it is excellent and give the Teachers View on children who have never had the word 'No' said to them by their 'parents. From the TES and the ever so witty Emily Shark

Big Bang looms on Planet Davy

Emily Shark
Published: 01 February 2008

A life in the year of Emily Shark
"Why did you give Davy a detention when he says he didn't do anything?"

Well, let's see now. It was raining, I was premenstrual and the moon was in Scorpio. Also, Davy refused to stop hurling himself against another child, but that's a detail.

"We can discuss this again, Mrs Hubble, but first we really do need to talk about his Sats ... ".

I wish Mr Hubble would stop chewing his hand like that. I wonder if they planned this? "We'll both go to parents' evening, but I'll do the talking. You just stare at her and look psychopathic. Now, which of us is going to read her markbook upside-down this year?

"And another thing, Miss Shark. Have you found his coat yet?"

Oh, dear. It's all in the "yet". Some parents betray their skewed image of the universe in one word. Yes, every day I drag Davy and only Davy towards his Sats. At night I look for his coat. I have not found it "yet" because it is probably squashed and rotting behind a radiator in the science block. When it is found - some time in 2012 - it will no longer look like a coat.

"It's just that it was new this term and we'd rather not buy him another one yet."

And again, "yet".

Davy is growing up at the centre of his parents' universe, but not in a good way. No wonder he explodes when I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. He sees me as a satellite out of its orbit. His parents revolve around him, so why don't I?

Many of us go through a terrible moment when we realise that we are not at the centre of the solar system. The sun is - there's a clue in the name. But if his own parents haven't had this Copernican moment about Davy, then when will Davy have it?

This is already the third school they have put him in. They will probably keep searching for a school that has a perfect, comfortable, Davy-shaped hole at the centre of it.

What they don't realise is that one day, this swirling ball of dust and gas that is hormonal Davy is going to harden into the adult Planet Davy.

It will be a very confused planet that thinks it's the sun. It will keep expecting everything else to revolve around it, just as its parents did. Not many things will, though, except perhaps a pale moon of a girlfriend.

School is chaos. There are loud bangs and flying rocks as all these developing planets keep smashing into each other. They carry on smashing and growing until eventually they cool down into some sort of permanent shape. Meanwhile, the teachers just hope they can escape into the black hole of the summer holidays before they're all pulverised.

As for this parents' evening, all I can really hope for is that it ends not with a bang but a whimper.

More from Emily in a fortnight.'

We should all avoid creating Planet Davys

update on my post earler..... ds2 seriously narked with me but could find hs shoes today.

temper will wear off, he has learned a good life skill.

!-0 to Mummy

yes
what cory says does have that awkward ring of truth about it.
I guess all I owuld say is that it is one thing to have some level ofcontact with a family and view what you regard as belittling and damaging behaviour.
it is quite another to see a snap shot of someones life and then make a huge judgement on it.

This issue is sensitive for me as i had some truly horrible abuse when trying to deal with Ds2's sn in his younger yeras. It was often things like
"people like you shouldn't be allowed to have children"
one woman even hit me.
sometimes DS! saw and heard this shit. It was heartbreaking.

So I admit I do post when people are making quick judegements. I am less likely to comment like that if the poster seems to have sustained experiences that form their view.

I'm another one who thought this thread was going to be more competitive sadding over a couple of recent cases of severe neglect. I know that some people have ishoos around other people's parenting because of their own experiences of longterm TTC struggles, but it's worth remembering that the vast majority of parents do an ok job and the vast majority of people grow up OK and that's good enough.

ditto what pagwatch said

you were hot though! OMFG! verbal and emotional I expect (emotional because its o more fun being the stand alone person nobody talks to at 34 than at 7 in school)

I always categorise myself as a bad mum party because i get angry in the mornings and yell, after 8.5 uears of slep deprivation- well.... then i said this to a friend at pa, and all the others laughed as they are exactly the same: at home shouty mum, once that door is open on goes perfect mask (though no point with me as non double glazed cottage on the school run, reckon everyone hears me screech sadly)

ut if someone heard me on a bad day they might think sheeesh, esp. wjen confronted with ds1's aggression- but if they spent more time they'd realise that 90% of the time I am loviong, uddly mummy; I fight for my kids a lot. and i adore them. They're being raised differently perhaps to their friends but I find there are ots of older, 1 child, nanny, high income mums here who do seem to often over compensate by spoiling them. I'm not saying all woth mumsre like that btw, I sure as hell wasn't when i was one, but there's almost a tradition of it in one social group here.
Mine get as much freedom as dare risk (walled garden so easier for me than many), consequences, punishments... sometimes I even forget to say 'its naughty to bite cats' and say 'you're naughty! (cor did i get told off for that by school! ).

but they get lots of ugs, love, they know they are safe with me and loved by me. As long as thy have that security, the rest s window dressin and personal choice.

hit not hot one handed typing

peachy
it was because I would not 'punish' him when he looked like he was tantrumming. actually he would be terrified and overwhelmed - so i would hold him firmly but gently.
People would think that I was either too indulgent or a terrible mum for just holding him and not talking to him. The problem with talking was he couldn't really understand so that would make him more anxious rather than less.
So people walking past thought they were seeing a toddler screaming and behaving badly while his stupid mother was hugging him and not saying a single word to either comfort or control him. They were actually watching me reassure him with gentle physical contact whilst screening out all his stressors which included words and as many passers by as possible.
the woman that hit me was in Boots. I actually had to get down on the floor to hold him because he was really struggling.

I know that some of the things I did looked very weird but I knew his issues and I had figured out what calmed him.

It is why I get annoyed at people looking at something and judging. Sometimes it is just that they don't understand what they are witnessing.
Does that make sense

My mum used to drum her fingers and you just knew...in fact I am 36 now and the finger drumming still gets me moving

cory, that is an absolutely spot on summing up!