AIBU to agree my sister’s friends may want child-free girls’ nights?

[WashingLineFine]

My sister has a group of friends she met at university, they’re all in their late 30s now but take turns to host “girls night” where they go to each others houses, have a few drinks and watch a film.
whenever sister is hosting she asks me or my mum to have DN overnight.
A few weeks ago she was hosting and she hadn’t asked me to have DN so I asked if mum was having her, she said no she’s keeping her at home this time.
Day after she told me DN had had an amazing time showing off her dance routines to sisters friends. I asked if the friends minded her being there and she said no, they loved watching her. Thought it was a bit weird but whatever.
last week sister was hosting again and told me DN was really looking forward to it and had a load of new routines ready to show “the girls”. At this point I gently suggested that maybe her friends enjoy child free nights and would prefer no kids there and offered to have DN. This was rubbished so I left it.

This morning she messaged me asking if I’d said something to her friends because all of a sudden they’re complaining about DN being there. I asked what had actually been said and it was a group WhatsApp messsge basically saying if there’s weeks when a host can’t get a babysitter they should change the host for that week. They all agreed. DN wasn’t mentioned but to be fair it was pretty obvious that it was directed at her.

I said to sister “to be fair I don’t blame them, if I was going out for an evening with friends I wouldn’t want to be a captive audience to an 8 year olds dance routines. Now we’re no longer talking 🤦‍♀️😂

AIBU to have agreed with the friends?

I'm 100% with you.

My best friend is guilty of encouraging her DD7's main character syndrome as well. No one is interested in seeing her latest gymnastics moves.
My friend is, in all other areas of her life, completely level headed and sensible. But is just completely blind to the fact that she's raising a bit of a brat.

You need to show your sister this thread

Why is your ds blaming you when you haven’t spoken to her friends? Parents who include their dc when they have excellent childcare astonishes me. We had friends for dinner who would insist on bringing their perfectly capable of staying home teenagers. Drove me nuts.

Years ago my friend did this to me. Id planned a long night in at hers.
Normally he chuld would be in bed, in her room or at dad's but thus time Dd ( about 7 at the time) came down stairs and asked if she could show aunty notacooldad her dance. Friend was so proud. I had a fixed grin and friend asked dd to show me another one, then another one.
I went home early that night!

God no you’re totally right. My kids are older now (19 and 21) but when they were that age I was desperate to have a night off and spending it with other people’s kids is not a night off!

God no, you ARE NOT, if I am having a night with the girls, I dont want their kids there getting me involved in watching shows etc etc. I have my own kids shows to suffer through 😂

I was upset when my friend did similar last Christmas. We were meeting for a few drinks after work, 6pm ish. 5 of us. Friends plan was to collect her DS drop him home and get the bus back in, but with traffic she realised she couldn't make it so just went direct. She messaged saying this and she couldn't have a drink but could drop some of us home etc and she was still with DS. As he was 16 I presumed he would get the bus home instead, the pub was literally at the bus stop that goes past their house. But no, apparently he wasn't allowed get the bus yet. Not only did he come to the pub with us, he sat at our 6 seater table opposite me. He didn't want to be there he just wanted to scroll on his phone but he didn't get a choice. I was fuming! I've been caught similarly before but I've asked kids to sit at a different table or given them some money to go to a nearby shop or whatever. We were in a city suburb with a shopping centre immediately across the road, he could have killed an hour there easily.

I've just had a rather awful realisation. I think my mother may have been this person. With family rather than friends so it's not quite as bad. I remember everyone gathered around the sitting room watching me performing and thinking I was amazing. My mum overjoyed and bursting with pride. Oh I'm mortified just thinking about it.

Well, now you've learned that it's best to let people make their own mistakes, especially in cases where there's no imminent threat of actual physical harm. She'll have to get over it. I wouldn't mention it again unless she brings it up, and in that case keep the discussion to a minimum or say something neutral about seeing random people online complaining about similar situations.

You are 100% correct. I cannot think of anything more tedious than watching another persons child’s dance routines. Your sisters kind friends humoured it for one night, but don’t want it again.

I agree with you.
But my point was more about OP not getting involved in DSis dramas

OP was essentially trying to protect DSis, but instead of taking any notice DSis has mis directing the blame and her ire about the situation quite unfairly onto OP... (shooting the messanger)

So I was just trying to say its not worth it for OP to get involved in these situations in future.

I remember doing ‘shows’ when I was a kid at my friend’s house with my friend and siblings to my mum and their mum. I might ask her what she thought. 🙈

Well.. maybe you were amazing and your mum was proud. I'm really glad your mum gave you some nice confidence doing by that.

My DC's friends family invited us to one of their gatherings and The grandmas and the aunties were all congratulating and praising this kid for something, and I felt really sad that my own family/inlaws - both v critical (Les Miserables I used to call em, more about telling everyone off everytime they saw them) would never have been so warm and supportive. But I would never have got my DC to do that.

So I reckon, your DM did it damn right actually.

Anyway, don't worry too much about yr watching family. Aren't we all sometimes obligated to do things in the name of family duty? 😀

Although its not really the same to try do it more than once to friends who just want a child free evening out. They were just hoping not to have a third time and were well within their rights to do that. The Op's sis is v unreasonable, particularly to take it out on her.

Unless I have this wrong it is not the quality of the shows that is the problem. The issue is that once a child free evening becomes not child free then it is a completely different evening.

There’s literally nothing else you could have done. You warned her, offered her childcare, as a good sister should.

I love your no nonsense, straight talking. I agree with you.

I would be happy to be shown the door rather than watch a kid dancing for god knows how long.

What is it with some mothers ? I love my children who are now adults and of course they put on little shows and we enjoyed them but they were our children, the thought of sitting through friends children’s shows is not my idea of an girls evening.

text your sister and be straight, you didn’t talk to her friends and you were trying to avoid her friends getting fed up with the situation and if she’d listened to you this could have been avoided. She’s the one on the wrong not you and if you cannot be honest with each other , there’s no hope for her .

Would be so intrigued if a parent that does this would pop up and justify it but they never do!

Well, they are. Hence my comment.

Another one not bothering to at least read the post I'm quoting.

I remember years ago being a member of a single parent group

We'd meet every Wednesday with our kids (it's what the group was about)

One woman would rock up and almost force her ds to 'show the mums your amazing ballroom dancing' to which he'd prance about the room

I'd rather have eaten my own liver than watch a 5 year old dance

And that was at a group where kids where the main part of us being there!

She was insufferable though,only her child mattered and he was the best at everything

She's the reason I'm (sort of) glad the charity who ran it was defrauded of its assets by the top boss and was forced to close down

No way did any of us watch him by choice (even the other kids where like 'wtf?')