AIBU to agree my sister’s friends may want child-free girls’ nights?

[WashingLineFine]

My sister has a group of friends she met at university, they’re all in their late 30s now but take turns to host “girls night” where they go to each others houses, have a few drinks and watch a film.
whenever sister is hosting she asks me or my mum to have DN overnight.
A few weeks ago she was hosting and she hadn’t asked me to have DN so I asked if mum was having her, she said no she’s keeping her at home this time.
Day after she told me DN had had an amazing time showing off her dance routines to sisters friends. I asked if the friends minded her being there and she said no, they loved watching her. Thought it was a bit weird but whatever.
last week sister was hosting again and told me DN was really looking forward to it and had a load of new routines ready to show “the girls”. At this point I gently suggested that maybe her friends enjoy child free nights and would prefer no kids there and offered to have DN. This was rubbished so I left it.

This morning she messaged me asking if I’d said something to her friends because all of a sudden they’re complaining about DN being there. I asked what had actually been said and it was a group WhatsApp messsge basically saying if there’s weeks when a host can’t get a babysitter they should change the host for that week. They all agreed. DN wasn’t mentioned but to be fair it was pretty obvious that it was directed at her.

I said to sister “to be fair I don’t blame them, if I was going out for an evening with friends I wouldn’t want to be a captive audience to an 8 year olds dance routines. Now we’re no longer talking 🤦‍♀️😂

AIBU to have agreed with the friends?

Well, the group response, even though completely justified, must be pretty upsetting for your DSis given how impenetrable her Mummy-Goggles have been.

No one wants to sit through the endless dance routines and performances, it gets trying enough when they are your own kids.

But I would have sat well back and left the group to sort it.

@ShakingAndCrying Oh god, I remember your spa day thread. It's one of those MN posts that stuck with me due to the sheer bonkerness of it and the thick skinned ineptitude of your friend. Gotta ask though because I'm nosy intrigued, what stunt did she pull at a wedding?

YANBU.
There is nothing more tedious than watching kids ‘perform’ stuff. I’ll endure my own doing it for a short while at home but would absolutely not subject my friends to it, much less believe they loved it?!

It sounds like her friends might have made the best of it as a one off - perhaps assuming childcare had fallen through at the last minute - but put their collective feet down when it looked like becoming a regular thing.

If they've left their own children at home or they are childfree, they won't want someone else's children to entertain; why on earth would they?

@BabyCat2020z “Seems a bit much to have to organise a babysitter to host friends in your own home!”

You put them to bed and let them know you are having Mummy/Friend time and not to interrupt.

You don’t encourage them to take over the evening and subjecting your friends to their showing off.

She thinks the sun shines out of her daughters arse.

I’ve never sent my kids away when we had friends over. I mean, where would they go? We have no family and it’s rude to pass your kids to a friend so you can get pissed.

It’s fine to host with her dd there, but she needs to manage it better. I did bedtime either before they arrived. Or during while everyone chatted amongst themselves. That’s totally fine and normal when you have children. You can’t just magically make them disappear, but you can plan for minimal disruption.

Reminded me of a three hour dance show I once attended (daughters dance approx 4 mins). 😂

I had friends (a couple) who did this. A whole troupe of girls (they had 4!) giving us their infinite variety of performance skills - some made up on the spot. I don't see them any more - just send an annual Christmas card!

Oh dear. I think the first time the guests assumed it was a one off and she couldn't get a sitter so didn't mind. Sister assumed they liked it and it had been a huge success. Now they've had to tell her this should not be repeated if possible and she's offended.

And what about the daughter? I expect sister has told her how much her friends enjoy her routines and think she is a little star, and it will be upsetting for her too to suddenly find herself excluded from these evenings.

I think you were kind to gently suggest that her friends may want a child free night and to offer to have her daughter- I'd have bitten your hand off!

Before I had children I used to think I was probably being unreasonable when I was annoyed when friends brought their children to adult gatherings, as no one else seemed to mind (or at least didnt say anything). Examples include a retirement get together for a work colleague which I organised (afternoon tea and a quiz in a private room in a cafe) which one of my colleagues wanted to bring her 2 primary aged DGC to. And regular tea and cake catch ups with a group of work friends my colleague would often bring her primary aged daughter to 'because she says staying home with her dad and brother is boring and would rather come'. I was always annoyed but never said anything and assumed was just me not having children i didnt understand. Now I have children i feel the exact same way and its good to see others agree - i think my friends are either very tolerant or secretly agree but didnt say anything!

Now I'm intrigued!

Could she not say something along the lines of, my friends enjoyed your dance routines as a change, but the reason we get together is to talk so we're going back to what we normally do now.

Maybe Dsis just doesn't host for a while and doesn't tell DN she's going to these friends houses. If DN asks she can always tell a white lie and say they're going somewhere else.

Given the amount of drawn out hand-wringing threads on MN on this subject, I'm very impressed with your sister's friends for nipping it in the bud!

As a one-off a child being there is fine but not every time, the adult is hosting. I'm a Mum myself, and work in a school (so clearly like children!) but I wouldn't want to have a child entertain me most of the evening. Sorry, but it would bore me to tears! Your sister's friends are there for a child-free 'girls' night, not as an audience for her daughter's dance routines!

The fact your sister can't see this, or doesn't want to see it, means she's blinkered and seems to think her daughter should be the central character. We all love our children, we may talk about our children to friends but let's face it, no one wants to spend their whole evening listening to someone doing it!!

Why on earth would your sister think you've had something to do with her friend's not liking her daughter being there?! Unless you're all close friends, then why would you know even how to contact them?! Or indeed even know them well enough to contact them?!

I guess it's far easier to blame you, than accept that she read the situation very wrong! I'd leave your sister to stew for a while to be honest. She's behaving immaturely.

Your sister has found herself the anonymous subject of the a public service message, she's embarrassed, and she's taking it out on you. Because ultimately she's pissed off that you guessed what was going on and she ignored your advice. She'll get over it 🤷

How deluded can anyone be, to imagine that adult friends want to watch a child showing off during a supposedly adult evening? And pretend they’re enjoying it to be ‘nice’? Once would be tedious enough, but twice or more??

but in this case the sister had childcare and had used it from the start. completely different to your scenario

The friends were polite once but your sister has been knocked off her pedestal and has to deal with the fact that he daughter is not the most charming, entertaining little girl in the world

She'll get over it

Lay low until she does

Well I agree but your sister is clearly put out. Just smooth things over, possibly in a kinder way explain that you just wanted to help, I think you have been a bit blunt in your communication with her on what is clearly a delicate topic for her personally so maybe try a different tactic with how you speak to her about it.

Once had a friend, part of a group of women, around 9 of us.

Met every few months or so. Out for dinner, evening pub tea kinda vibe.

Her husband suggested she bring toddler child with her on one of these nights… because the group hadn’t seen toddler for a long time & he thought we would all love to see how much toddler had grown and spend the evening with them.

Spoke before thinking and said that we all have kids, the point is adult time away from our own and definitely not with other people’s kids.
Of an evening. In a pub. With a toddler, in a high chair who might actually be better tucked up asleep in bed.
I said that I could 100% guarantee that people would not come if she insisted on doing this.

Friend was absolutely gobsmacked that people would miss the opportunity to marvel at this child for a whole evening. Gobsmacked.

Lazy arsed husband wanted to game all night so cba with his child was the truth of it.

YANBU OP, but I'm placemaking to hear what Spa Weridos wedding antics were!

I think sometimes in that sort of situation it's easier for people to think whatever stops them from facing how fucking useless their partner is.

See that was your mistake. A very strong cocktail with a base of baileys, gin and rum would have sorted them out in no time.

“Oh how sweet , your girls have fallen asleep behind the sofa, put them in the recovery position, pop this throw over them, and we can get the evening started.”