AIBU to agree my sister’s friends may want child-free girls’ nights?

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My sister has a group of friends she met at university, they’re all in their late 30s now but take turns to host “girls night” where they go to each others houses, have a few drinks and watch a film.
whenever sister is hosting she asks me or my mum to have DN overnight.
A few weeks ago she was hosting and she hadn’t asked me to have DN so I asked if mum was having her, she said no she’s keeping her at home this time.
Day after she told me DN had had an amazing time showing off her dance routines to sisters friends. I asked if the friends minded her being there and she said no, they loved watching her. Thought it was a bit weird but whatever.
last week sister was hosting again and told me DN was really looking forward to it and had a load of new routines ready to show “the girls”. At this point I gently suggested that maybe her friends enjoy child free nights and would prefer no kids there and offered to have DN. This was rubbished so I left it.

This morning she messaged me asking if I’d said something to her friends because all of a sudden they’re complaining about DN being there. I asked what had actually been said and it was a group WhatsApp messsge basically saying if there’s weeks when a host can’t get a babysitter they should change the host for that week. They all agreed. DN wasn’t mentioned but to be fair it was pretty obvious that it was directed at her.

I said to sister “to be fair I don’t blame them, if I was going out for an evening with friends I wouldn’t want to be a captive audience to an 8 year olds dance routines. Now we’re no longer talking 🤦‍♀️😂

AIBU to have agreed with the friends?

Not speaking (assuming that's at your sister's instigation) seems like a huge overreaction. Does she really not believe you that you didn't speak to the friends? A much more likely (and probably predictable) explanation is that the first time it happened the friends viewed it as the daughter briefly saying hello to her mother's guests before going off to bed or to hang out with her dad and maybe the topic of dance or the daughter's interests and activities came up and she showed off a little bit with an impromptu demonstration - versus the second time when the daughter came back with multiple dance routines specifically prepared for the group and the mum probably mentioned how much the daughter been looking forward to the event and dancing for "the girls"!

She does. OP volunteered. Reading the entire OP isn't compulsory, but it is recommended

You did the right thing - you were trying to stop her losing her friends, and did it in a tactful way!

If I didn’t have just the one sister, I would have thought you were talking at my sister. She acts and treats her daughter like she’s the most amazing child to ever exist. She goes out with her friends to the pub - and takes her with them. The daughter is 14 now, but this has been going on for years. She even orders jugs of cocktails and gives her daughter glasses from it. When the new Bridget Jones film came out I asked if she fancied going to see it with me. She said yes. A couple of days later she messaged to ask if her daughter could come (please note she is married so not as if she didn’t have childcare) with us. I pointed out it was a 15 certificate. She said it would be fine as her daughter is tall so felt she looked older. There’s no way she looked 15. She certainly didn’t act like a 15 year old. I asked what would happen if the cinema wouldn’t let her in (given I’d be driving us there I presumed she wouldn’t pay me back for the wasted fuel or my unused ticket as that’s what she’s like) - she wouldn’t even accept it was a risk so I asked her if there was a different date she could do so it would just be us and if not let’s just leave it. We didn’t go.

I don’t think she’s ever said no in her life to her daughter and you really can tell.

Did you even read the quote that poster was replying to?

You are right and I agree with you. Telling her was out of kindness and was brave if you, but unfortunately now you are the bad guy.
Hopefully she now can put herself in others shoes and realises

It seems odd to me that the hosts child has to be physically not there. Shows how wet the parents are that they can’t enforce the kid staying upstairs and going to bed the only way to stop her joining in with the adults is to have her elsewhere.

There was a thread where a nutter brought her toddler to a hen weekend despite being explicitly asked not to. Years ago but it was epic! Scary how dense some people are.

Oh god, I've signed up to a v expensive hen weekend and after reading so many threads, wish I'd thought to check that children wouldn't be there. It never used to be a thing, but there are a few t eens tagging on here and there. Please no!!!

I doubt anyone is saying she has to back out of the group. They're just saying if she can't get childcare when it's her turn to host then she needs to swap with someone else for a day when she can get childcare.

Again, read the actual reply thread.

The irony. Why don't you read the full fucking thread expecially my responses

Right? Hypocrisy

I think you’re 100% right but friendship groups that have stood the test of time would have sorted this out without your interference. I’m my opinion, you shouldn’t have said anything.

Well you did try and warn her op. I’m sure she will come round.

YANBU. I can’t think of anything more tedious, on a ‘females night’, to have children/grandchildren performing their little song and dance routines at me. Just no. 🙄

The friends were obviously polite the first time, but don’t want it again.

I disagree with the notion that OP shouldn't have said anything. Siblings are supposed to have each other's best interests at heart and if OP cannot speak honestly, out of kindness and to prevent her sister from 'harm', then it's not a good relationship!
We cannot go through life never expressing any opinions, just because other people can't bear not to have their own opinions constantly validated. Sometimes a person is just wrong and those closest to them, should be able to gently say so.

I work in a school, so look after kids all day, everyday. If I go to the effort of getting dressed up and going out, I don't want to be watching any more kids. Even nice ones, that I like!

I have an old friend like this - her only topic of conversation is her child. You'd think it was the second coming! Child is a sweetie, but there's nothing more dull than listening to a parent constantly boast about their achievements.

Seems a bit much to have to organise a babysitter to host friends in your own home!

I personally wouldn't mind someone's child being around at the start of the evening, even with dance routines, as long as they were shipped off to bed within the first hour! I am wondering if she let her stay up the whole time which may have been a bit much!

I agree with this.

Seems a bit much to have to organise a babysitter to host friends in your own home!

We all understand the point they were making.

I too have my own dc and have them shouting around me all day at work where I have to be on my best behaviour. I am not doing this in my personal time too.

She does have childcare, she's chosen not to use it so that her daughter can be the entertainment for the evening. Not even just there, but the centrepiece.

I'm a lone parent too and I would never choose to deliberately do this. It's one thing your children just being there if you haven't got childcare, it's quite another turning down childcare so that your child can show off their specially devised routines to friends who have gone out of their way to arrange their own childcare for a girls night.

ETA no one has said her friends have fallen out with her either, they've just suggested other arrangements and the hosting mum has fallen out with her sister over it.

DH was one of the first out of his friend group to have children. He was also dazzled by our son.

I had to step in numerous times to stop him "inviting" our child to meet ups or let him show off when he/we had friends over. DH thought I was being totally unreasonable as DS was just so talented and witty.

Then his friends had kids and he saw that children in adult company are tedious little bores.

(Absolutely charming little dotes when in the right place and time - but not when you want to drink and gossip, or watch the match)

Some people never see the shine fade from their precious little puddings.

One of the women in our friendship group did this. We’d all arranged babysitters and were looking forward to letting our hair down. Instead we had to ‘chat’ with a 12 year old. The evening was over by 10pm. And the woman who brought her 12-year old was never invited to anything again.

Your sister is lucky that her friends have ‘told her’ without telling her! They’ve played it really well and she’d be wise to listen. She’s being utterly ridiculous for not talking to you. Not sure why she’s taking her anger out on you.

You’re right to think it, wrong to interfere!

I don’t think it’s wrong to interfere, the OP wasn’t rude or offensive, and as her sister she’s the perfect person to say something. And it turned out she was right.

It’s always bonkers when people bring their kids or insert them into adult events. I remember the toddler on the hen do thread. Wild!

I dont even want to watch my own kids doing whatever thing theyve come up with that day let alone someone elses child on my supposed night off .
Sounds like they have put a quick stop to it but because you mentioned it first shes making you the scapegoat .