Why do so many mums ditch their childfree friends?

[Sishirunak70]

Especially when those friends are accommodating, take an interest in your child/children and willing to work around you?
Why do you now only associate with other Mums and think that they 'just won't get it?'

Why do you let them disappear from your life since you became a mother? Whilst I understand it's hard, it's not impossible.
There are far too many martyrs around who believe they're the only person to have ever given birth, everything must now revolve around them and that nobody else can ever be tired or busy, except for them.

Mental health issues have always existed.

Google the history of mental asylums, electric shock treatment and lobotomies if you would like a non rose tinted history of how mental health issues used to be treated in the glorious past

My life isn’t remotely difficult - I never said it was. I have a lovely group of friends, most of whom I’ve known since school, so I’m not quite sure where you’ve conjured up this entire future of friendlessness, child-obsession and waiting around for grandchildren, but hey, whatever gets you through the night I suppose.

Thank you for the unsolicited glimpse into my future, Mystic Meg. I’ll be sure to consult you before making any further life decisions 🤣

I am aware of this thanks. We had a thing when we were kids that someone behaving strangely would have the men in white coats cart them off to Runwell hospital

But it has increased dramatically amongst teenagers now despite every one" knowing better"

I defend the rights of the childfree to say that their busy activities are just as important to them as those with kids, but very few childfree people will be as busy as those with children on the sheer fact that having a child is a 100% of the time accounted for thing.

They need to be with a carer 100% of the time, you, paid or family, for years. You can do things at the same time - chores, socialising etc. Or you can work or socialise or exercise while they're with someone else.

But although I really packed life in before I had kids, there was never something I needed to be responsible for 100% of the time.

And frankly, when I do socialise, I find it easier to relax through chatting through dull parenting stuff, comparing notes on sleep etc.

But it has increased dramatically amongst teenagers now despite every one" knowing better"

Exactly so things do change, circumstances do change, and the challenges facing children and parents can change too.

Which makes “women have been parenting for millennia, therefore parenting isn't more difficult now” a rather spectacularly flimsy argument, doesn't it? 😂

Why is 100% of the time do your kids not have another parent?

You don't hear of so many fathers ditching their frienda

We tend to just be much busier and our time priority is kids, partner and then with an time left over for some sort of self care, whether it be the gym, a TV show etc.

We also have less money than child free people do don't want to spend £50+on dinner.

It's easier to meet up with local friends who have kids the same age as they can then play together whilst the parents chat.

You often have more in common and want to talk about stuff child free people find boring eg school performance etc.

See school performances would certainly not of been things on my list to chat about. I really can't imagine anything more boring. Apart from maybe discussing baby milestones, toddler tantrums eytc

You don't have to pay for expensive outings to see childfree friends. I genuinely think some parents feel that once they've had children, they've now outgrown their childfree friends, they assume the latter just won't get it and they're just at a completely different life stage.

It's sad really, it's not the childree friends' fault, but it's inevitably hard for them as they find themselves having to find a new group of friends.

But then it isn't the fault of parents either. I love and cherish my friends who don't have children and thankfully they understand I simply at this stage I don't have the same energy, time and capacity at this stage in my life as I did before.

Life always changes as people grow older. While I have a full empathy if some people with kids find themselves having to make a new social group, certainly as a parent I'm not being held responsible for it.

Not necessarily a lack of time, but a mentality that they have 'left behind' the childfree friends and they are now more mature or responsible or whatever.

Who are all these parents? Neither me or any parent I know feels they are above those that don't have children or mature than them.

But sometimes you do outgrow some friends but that comes whether you have kids or not. And it's not so much for being "left behind" but at a different stage of life and that can make once close friends difficult to relate too. And parents are not necessarily more responsible but they do have certain responsibilities that people without children don't have. Arguably having children is the greatest responsibility there is.

But do parents say that? Or is that what some child free people think a parent might say?

I haven't left my child free friends anywhere. I have been very honest about the fact that I intend to spend the vast majority of my free time with my children. My child free friends understand that because they're grown ups. No fall outs or hard feelings.

Exactly. My best friend who I have always remained very close to, had her kids 10 years before mine. Our friendship went from regular pub sessions, nights out and seeing other every weekend to us seeing each other less because obviously her priority and free time was mainly taken up with her family.

It was fine. I never once guilt tripped her or made her feel bad about how little we saw each other at times. Because I'm an adult and had other friends and eventually a partner to fill my time. And I'd have actually questioned what sort of person she was if she HADN'T put her kids and family first!

I think some people just let being a parent become their entire identity and forget who they were before that. It takes a lot of conscious effort to keep Mum and your personality separate.

My best friend of twenty years had a baby and had a complete personality transplant. Not only did she stop making effort, we were a close group of 5 and she missed weddings, engagement parties, graduation celebrations etc important milestones in our lives. Not even a message to say happy birthday to anyone. She wasn’t bothered at all. I gave her a lot of understanding because I assumed that’s what it was like having a child and I didn’t understand. We had a few arguments towards the end of our friendship because she said I didn’t understand how hard being a Mum was. She used this as an excuse to not come to my wedding. All she did was complain to me that she wanted more Mum friends and it was then I understood I no longer fit in her life.

Then slowly the rest of our group became Mum’s and whilst visits and seeing each other can get less, everyone makes effort for the important things. Since being a Mum myself I understand her less than ever. From the look of things on social media she has one Mum friend and nobody else. I haven’t spoken to her in years, it makes me sad but what can you do.

Nothing at all to do with 'because I'm an adult'. As I said, some parents are like that, I quite clearly didn't say it was all. But sorry you've taken such offence.

Congratulations. Not everyone else just happens to have an array of spare friends waiting. Surely you can grasp that..

Me being someone's only friend doesnt oblige me to go out with them at times when its not convenient for me though- surely you can grasp that?!

Its pretty unealthy to base your entire social life around one single person, just as it would be to base your entire social life around a partner too.

Well then that's on the person who doesn't have an "array of friends" to go out and make more then. All the more true if you're only friends are those with kids. As said above it's entirely unhealthy to base your entire social life on one or two people and expect them to be available to you just like they were before.

Grown up, mature adults realise this and make the effort to build a life for themselves rather making their lack of social life someone else's problem.

Surely you can grasp that?

Just because she has one mum friend on social media dosent mean she only has one mum friend. I don't post on social media, in fact the majority of my mum friends don't. One friend does, the rest of us obviously won't show up on her feed but in real life we are friends . The real world does not revolve around social media posts or likes.

I’ve had kids in a similar timeline to you so my kids are older.

You are indeed correct that back then there were parents then who did fuck all with their kids and really don’t connect with children but most of my peers were decent engaged parents who definitely found being a parent more challenging than single life.

I can't imagine not making time for friends who matter to me. I have a close friend who is single and a similar age to me (a couple of years younger). I don't know whether she would have liked to have children, as she's very private and I don't pry. But she's got a very full life, with her job (she was originally a work colleague), her friends and family and her cat. She loves going on holidays with other single people, travelling on her own.

We meet up 3 or 4 times a year; we go out for a meal and chat about her job and our shared interests. We both love cats and murder mysteries.

Yeah, like the childless have no family responsibility or commitments, no responsibility towards friends. Work is a total breeze. Life's just one big easy party 🥳

That sounds like a them problem, I'm afraid.

Well to be fair those people are not responsible for tiny humans 24 hours a day untill they reach 18. They are not up night after night with a sick child, or being available in the middje of the night for teenagers heartbreaks. They aren't responsible for their food, roof over their heads, making sure they get a good education. There's family responsibilities then there's the 24 hour, seven days a week care and responsibility untill they are 18. There is a massive difference