Why do so many mums ditch their childfree friends?

[Sishirunak70]

Especially when those friends are accommodating, take an interest in your child/children and willing to work around you?
Why do you now only associate with other Mums and think that they 'just won't get it?'

Why do you let them disappear from your life since you became a mother? Whilst I understand it's hard, it's not impossible.
There are far too many martyrs around who believe they're the only person to have ever given birth, everything must now revolve around them and that nobody else can ever be tired or busy, except for them.

Well, in all honesty - it’s a completely different kind of tired, a different kind of “busy” and a totally different kind of love you simply cannot comprehend unless you’ve had children.

Parents don’t say this to belittle non-parents: it’s just bloody true.

It depends. The word can carry some negativity when applied to women past childbearing age, or an age when they’re unlikely to have children.

Well I could say the same thing about the love I have for my DH of 36 years, that it’s something no one who hasn’t experienced a long happy marriage would understand, but I don’t say it, because I can see how it might offend/annoy/hurt some people, especially those unwillingly single or who have had nothing but unsatisfactory/abusive relationships.

I had the same reaction from my parents, which is exactly why I make sure my child gets to do the things she wants to do.

Right so don't use it negatively. But the idea I'm not allowed to say I was childless before I had children is absurd.

This. DH and I have been together since we were students, so we’ve had the ‘growing into adulthood together ’ kind of love, but haven’t had, for instance, the kind of love where you meet in your 40s, or 50s with a good chunk of life experience behind you and discover one another from scratch. We’re also from the same place and very similar backgrounds , so haven’t had the kind of love where you meet someone from a different culture, and it’s a whole gateway to a new country, language, cuisine etc.

And while I don’t really get pets, I’m sure a lot of Mners would make similar claims for the unprecedented love they feel for their dogs/cats etc.

There are lots of different kinds of love that we don’t all have access to.

No one is stopping you. People are just pointing out that ‘childfree’ was coined specifically to avoid the connotations of ‘childless’.

Absolute bullshit.

No one is comparing parenting now to how it was 25 years ago. If you didn’t find it difficult, that’s great for you. That is certainly not everyone’s experience. Nor is it the norm. I have a hard time believing that anyone finds having a child, multiple children, and raising, them, easy, regardless of the time they happened to exist in.

I don’t understand why women do this to each other. I know from experience just how demanding, restrictive and all consuming having and raising children is. To suggest it’s a mother’s fault, and that she is somehow doing something wrong, because she finds being a parent difficult, is quite frankly disgusting.

Women are absolutely awful to each other at times. This thread is dripping with contempt for women who have children.

Ah yes, the ancient wisdom of “women have been doing it for millennia, therefore nothing could possibly have changed.”

By that logic, childbirth was perfected in the Bronze Age, so let's scrap maternity units and get everyone back in a hut with a midwife and a bowl of hot water.

Apparently the last 25 years of changes in work, childcare, family structures, social expectations and cost of living have simply passed mothers by.
But don't worry, we've identified the problem: women themselves.

What a breathtakingly smug little steaming turd of a take, polished to a high shine with self-satisfaction. 😂

So calling someone a 'bit of a piece of work' is ok is it? And you're berating the OP for the way they speak to people?
I haven't seen anything that bad from the OP, they're probably sick of constantly reading 'not surprised they've dropped you sounds like you're the problem!!!' So rude.

No, that poster said it was wrong to say I was childless until I had kids.

You're totally right, mums just love being called "sneery", "smug", "precious", "martyrs who think the world revolves around them" - all things said by OP.

Its an absolute mystery why her friends dont want to see her any more.

Truly baffling. Someone call Poirot. 🤔

I completely agree. There is always posters on this thread and others with that the attitude that because they found it easy and that everyone else has done if for thousands year that basically everyone else should find it easy and if they don't, they should just suck it up and not complain.

I honestly find it's these attitudes that in part contribute to poor mental health in mums, because we're fed this narrative by some that we must enjoy every second of parenthood and "you never get those years back"

And the fact is parenting is HARD. Every parent i know and have spoken too, from different generations has found it difficult. We raise kids now in an age of social media and technology that wasn't around 25 years ago, so of course it's different.

🙄

posts like this just prove my point. We are not special for having kids. Ffs.

posts like this just prove my point. We are not special for having kids. Ffs.

posts like this just prove my point. We are not special for having kids. Ffs.

If you don’t want to be called it, don’t do it. Women like you make a rod for your own back. But hey. Crack on and let your world revolve around your kids. Then wonder why you have no friends left, no life other than your adult kids and work to fill the gap before grandchildren come along. By the time you get to my age and yiur kids are in their 20’s the friends you ditched will be long gone. Why make life so difficult.

I agree. I drifted from them because I had literally nothing in common with them. And because socialising with other people with children was a whole lot easier. Even turning up to soft plays etc is annoying - you’re another person to entertain/think about when really a parent needs to be with their child.

The 'smug and sneering' seems like it was about those posters referring to their single friends 'crying about yet another terrible date/broken hearted over another man' which they 'no longer have time for' now they have kids.

Everyone has been there at some point, if they're unlucky enough, their own relationships may fail and they'll find themselves in the same boat.

Why do you need to 'entertain' your friends who come to soft play? Can't you just, I don't know, talk to them?
Maybe let them know how 'annoying' it is that they're going out of their way to accommodate your life. They may be grateful to know what you really think and find friends who actually appreciate them!

Special no. I don't think I deserve a medal for having kids. But having kids DOES change your life and unless you're super rich with access to round the clock nannies to bring up your kids, life doesn't carry on once you have kids as normal.

I'm the least martyr parent ever, I'm always desperate for a break or time away from my kids and try as much to see my friends. But I have two young children under 5, life is busy and intense in a way that if you don't have kids you can't possibly understand.

That’s exactly what I mean by entertain - being engaging, buying coffee, taking an interest. It’s too difficult! I’m way past my soft play years but back then I went there with my children to play!

I saw childfree friends in normal adult places but it’s a fact of life that organising that became more difficult as a parent. And frankly with some people it just wasn’t enjoyable anymore.

I work full time so weekends are the only real time I have with my children, and I prioritise spending time with them.
My closest friends are all child free and I see them maybe 3-4 time per year now. True quality time together. They're wonderful people so they don't take it personally that I can't see them more and I don't take it personally that they obviously do lots of fun things without me.

Yet we have more kids with mental health problems than ever