To think DP should make a decision?

[Lookinhin]

My DP is 40 in a fortnight. He still hasn’t made a decision about how he wants to celebrate and it’s driving me wild.

I know he doesn’t want a party or a meal. I’ve asked a couple of times if he wants us to do something on the day, or if he wants to go out with his friends. He still doesn’t know.

I know I am being unreasonable, but it’s two weeks away! I’ve got deposits paid for friends’ 40ths next year. AIBU about how laid back he’s being?

I would always prioritise him on his 40th birthday. If he ever decides what he wants to do.

Because if he wants to go out with his friends then I need to know which night he wants to celebrate with me.

If it's not important don't buy a ticket and keep both nights free

You couldn’t have done nothing at all though. There would’ve still had to have been a time where you received your gifts. Unless you didn’t want gifts either in which case that’s very different to this situation.

He would never cancel plans at the last minute.

I think he genuinely just doesn’t know what he wants to do.

Why couldn’t I? Gifts can be given at any time around the birthday. It doesn’t have to be a massive event. They can be dropped off at somone’s home or sent direct from Amazon.

Unless you put a lot of importance on the opening and showing the appropriate level of gratitude?

Do adults really have to have an event so they can get together to give gifts to other adults?

It’s a giant Jaffa cake. His birthday is on a Friday, so if I’m seeing him then I’ll have to make it ok the Thursday night because I won’t have time on the Friday. It says to serve within 24 hours.

I 100% want to see him open his present. Absolutely. I think this is extremely normal.

It does sound annoying that he won't say anything either way. It's fine not to want to do anything big, and it's fine to decide to see your mates for drinks or whatever, but it isn't really fine to keep your partner dangling and unable to confirm or decline other plans, which may involve a whole bunch of other people.

I don't think there was any need for the overall relationship dissection on here, if your arrangement works for you then the opinions of others don't matter. However, in your situation, I would be issuing a 'gentle ultimatum', that would just make it clear that you are obvs happy to go along with whatever he chooses, and don't mind if it's with others, but you have other things you might do if he chooses to do something without you, and it's getting to the point where you need to say yes or no to those, so you need to know by x day.

I’m just on my way home from my holidays now and will see him this weekend. I think I’ll try and pin him down on it then.

What's wrong with darts at home?

Not everyone wants to do that. But if you must, then can’t you just meet around his birthday to watch him open his present?

Well we do that. We put thought into our presents and watch each other open our presents.

Why would I meet him to give him his presents and then leave? We will obviously be spending time together.

It’s a working class sport so I imagine that’s the issue.

I think I was your dp. I do not really care about my birthday and was driven mad by friends and family asking me what I planned to do. Honestly I did not want to do anything. I was actually stressed by it all. In the end I stayed home and watch a film in bed and ignored everyone.

When did you get your gifts from your DP/family?

As you will be seeing him at some point around then, surely that is when you would give them to him. He doesn’t want a big deal made of it.

A gift is supposed to be for the person receiving it. It doesn’t have to mean an event .

That’s what I’m saying - gift giving doesn’t have to be an ‘event’, especially as the giftee isnt bothered by having a do.

This is why I have had to lie to people about my plans for things…

Does he want a cake? I wouldn't be making one unless I was sure he wanted it.
Rather than steamrollering him into your idea of the need to celebrate a birthday, why not just say: "You haven't said you want to do anything, so shall we just arrange a time for me to give you your presents?" I mean this is far more simple than you are making it out to be. Loads of people aren't birthday people and even more people really don't like making a big deal out of milestones.

Yes, and that is the question. When am I going to see him? What does he want to do?

I’m sure it won’t horrify him to be given a cake.

That is exactly what I have said. When am I seeing him to give him his gifts etc. If he isn’t doing anything else on his birthday then it will be on his birthday. If he is going out with his friends then it won’t be. I do need him to give me an answer.

Clearly nothing particularly. Is his present something you need loads of notice for?

I really don’t understand why this is difficult.

I need to know when he wants to see me so that I can give him his presents. If he wants to do nothing at all and just have a drink in his house on his birthday then that’s fine. If he wants to go out with his friends then that’s also fine, but I want to know what he’s doing so I know when I’m seeing him so that I can plan my own weekend accordingly.

Horrify? Why the hyperbole? Making a cake for someone who doesn't want a cake is pointless.

Not sure why it has to be on his birthday - you just need a date to give him stuff and that's perfectly reasonable - it doesn't have to hinge on anything else.

Then he obviously does want a cake, given I am making one.

It doesn’t have to be on his birthday and I have never suggested that it does.