To think DP should make a decision?

[Lookinhin]

My DP is 40 in a fortnight. He still hasn’t made a decision about how he wants to celebrate and it’s driving me wild.

I know he doesn’t want a party or a meal. I’ve asked a couple of times if he wants us to do something on the day, or if he wants to go out with his friends. He still doesn’t know.

I know I am being unreasonable, but it’s two weeks away! I’ve got deposits paid for friends’ 40ths next year. AIBU about how laid back he’s being?

Well I think you are.

He definitely wouldn’t want to eat.

Nothing better will come up - whatever he does he will have to organise it and let people know.

We do holiday together. No idea why you are making things up.

How do you know for sure? You say he isn't very sociable but he is away on a stag weekend right now and the whole reason for this issue is because you aren't sure if he wants to do something with his friends!
So the something better might be suggested this weekend, or it might crop up later in the week. Someone might say, Mike what you doing for your birthday? He might say nothing planned. So then they suggest going out or doing whatever he likes doing, and you are forgotten about.

So he might go out with his friends? Yes. I couldn’t care less about being ‘forgotten about’. He’s allowed to have a night out with his friends to celebrate his birthday. I just want to know when we are celebrating.

In that case, you're completely off the hook! Don't ask him again.

Oh dear!! I'm really sorry OP, but I think you're going to end up having your heart broken by this man. You sound absolutely obsessed about pleasing him, while he can't even be bothered to make a decision as to whether he wants to spend time with you on his birthday. If he wanted to make a big thing of it with YOU, he would have made plans to do so by now. The fact that he's holding off, which he must know is really winding you up, says that he really isn't bothered whether he spends time with you, on what YOU consider to be a special occasion.

In all honesty, I'm getting the impression that you're a bit of a doormat, and no matter what you have planned at any time, he would only have to click his fingers and you would come running. I think you need to have a little more self respect. If he's in touch while he's away, then I would send him a text saying that as he's not made up his mind about what he wants to do on his birthday weekend, you've bought a ticket to the event you told him about, so will only be available on Saturday or Sunday now.

However, if I had a man in my life who I loved enough to refer to as my 'partner', I would be VERY upset if he chose to spend his birthday with his mates instead of me. It sounds to me like you're really just friends with benefits, which is why I think you're going to get your heart broken.

It’s his birthday - stop pressuring him about it. If he comes up with something that it’s too late to organise then I’m sure he will understand.

You said he hates attention - this is about you in that case.

Wow. That’s how to make someone else’s birthday about you. 🤣

Cool!

And as a grown ass adult that is fine.

The kind of people who are vocal about how much effort they make for people’s birthdays (particularly when the recipient isn’t that bothered) are doing so for themselves. So they can be seen as being wonderful and thoughtful

What @GrantMyWishes said.

He is toying with you, or he just doesn’t care - or quite possibly both.

Go to the fundraiser and let him do what he wants to do.

In your shoes I would also rethink the expensive present or the cake. Or possibly both.

Everything you say about him and the relationship screams that he is much less invested than you.

Or leave him alone to make his own plans? It’s not about the OP. If she wants to go to her event then she should go ahead but it’s shitty to pressure someone about something that should be about them

I think grown 40 year old men can spend their birthdays with their friends if that makes them happy. I don’t care when we celebrate, I just want to know when.

I certainly wouldn’t expect him to go in the huff if I spend my birthday with friends which I often do.

My gifts are wonderful and thoughtful! And he would be very upset if I hadn’t made any effort.

He isn’t toying with me, he’s not a dickhead. He’s just indecisive.

We will be celebrating at some point though. Asking him to decide when is hardly pressure.

I'd just accept the invite to go out with friends on the Friday if it's something you want to do. He doesn't sound bothered about doing anything special on the day which is fair enough. I don't think it's unusual when you reach 40 to be at work etc on the actual date then arrange something to celebrate the weekend before or after.

You follow your own plans and if you are free when he wants to celebrate, then fine.

Surely you would make yourself available to spend it with him even if it ends up as a night at home with a takeaway. I don't understand why you need to know in advance when he's stated no meal or party (so nothing to book in advance)

I’m sure they are. But that doesn’t mean you have to push him about when you are celebrating HIS birthday. It almost sounds like you think he should be more bothered just because you like birthdays.

Being thoughtful means respecting someone else may want to do things differently.

I was pressured by people for my 18th, 21st, 40th and 50th - I didn’t want to do anything but apparently that didn’t matter

Tell him that if he doesnt want to go out with you on his birthday thats fine, you have something else you can do, but you won't be dicked around. If he cant commit now then you will do the other thing and you dont want to hear any complaining from him. And if he says yes then lets you down at the last minute you will hit the roof.

You dont have to hang around waiting for him to decide. You can decide.

Not difficult, keep both nights free, on the night you aren't doing something have yourself a pamper and movie fest at yours.
As for the cake make it on Friday that way it will last throughout Saturday too (covering off both days) though I can't think of any cake that spoils after 24 hours