AIBU to worry CMS deductions could push my son into crisis?

[Wokeuptired]

My son split from his ex almost 2 years ago, they have 2 children together and 1 child that my son brought up as his own, their was lots of drama in the relationship and his ex was very demanding, my son paid her maintenence every month and paid for other things for her like the sky bill and some h/p goods, at the end of last year my son took a very serious attempt at taking his own life and he got sectioned, he obviously couldn't work but his ex was still demanding money from him, In March he got his old job back but he had to save for a deposit and furniture as well as pay for prescriptions food fuel to get to work, he was around £200 short each month and we helped him out with that, during this time his ex refused to let him see the children and he has not seen them since January, he had an upcoming court case to get to see them, as the eldest isn't his biologically he had to get a lawyer to help him as he wants her included.
Now the CMS are involved and they have taken £1700 out of his wages this is £700 for the month and £1000 in back pay as they calculated this from December last year, this leaves my son with around £500 after tax, he can't live on £500 as he can't even cover his rent with that, he has just got himself sorted financially but still owes money.
He doesn't know what he can do as he has phoned CMS and they said it has to be that amount and he explained the situation.
He has been to his boss to see what can be done and if he leaves this job he will break his contract with them and they won't employ him again, he can't go part time and then do work on the side to make the money up.
He just can't afford to work, it's ridiculous as he doesn't want to go on benefits as he also pointed out that it won't help his mental health.
What can he do?
I'm just so worried that he is going to try and end his life again as this seems like a no win situation.

My heart goes out to your son this woman has been taking advantage of him and is clearly abusing him financially

If I was you I would tell your son he should not be paying her any money for takeaways etc and that he needs that money for when the kids come to stay with him

She is despicable and honestly she is going to end up destroying your son - people like her also ruin their own children’s lives by alienating their own children

Either that's not true or it doesn't always work. There have definitely been times where an OP name changes (whether they say this or not) and then accidently posts under their other name. Times where the OP has admitted this/apologized for the accident, so definitely happened (and they weren't hiding that they are the OP when they reply).

To be fair, I get the impression that this is a recent change because like you, I seem to remember OP’s apologising for the confusion. I’ve just tested the theory on this post and you definitely can’t change your username once you’ve posted under it. There’s a question mark in the username box and when you click on it a banner comes up advising ‘you must use the same username as your first post on this thread’. There is no option to change.

I’ve just tried changing the username in ‘my account’ and that doesn’t work either. It allows you to change name but it defaults to the username originally used on a specific thread.

Even then most people have more than one email address (or could spend 90 seconds making a new one) and nothing stopping someone from just registering a second (or third or fourth or...) account. Yes, you couldn't claim it as an accident (though I've seen people try - claiming that they accidently logged in with their other account (I don't necessarily mean here), but if you wanted to post to back yourself up, it really wouldn't be that hard at all.

Not sure I would call it financial abuse to be honest. He was paying her £600 a month and the extras you mentioned before he was ill, but to be fair that was a private agreement and not via CMS. I think the ex went to CMS because he stopped paying from January to March when he was in hospital as he wasn’t earning. His arrears only built up between April and September because at that point he was earning again and it took CMS that long to make the calculation and advise both parents. During that time he offered to pay but his ex refused and told him CMS were involved

What I can’t figure out is why she opted for CMS collections because the fees are quite significant, and she would have deductions made from the money that would otherwise have gone to her children. There was clearly no problem with him actually paying so direct payment would be a better option as it’s a free service.

Seems an absolute faff though, just so you can agree with yourself 😂

And in the same spirit, I do solemnly swear that I am ThreadGuardDog and not @FannybygaslightinGovan 😂

It's coded into the site and always works.

Yes, but people are weird 🙄😁

Can I ask a question @aliceyyyy2654 If you genuinely think that maintenance and access should be linked - as seems to be the case - how do you square that with the fact that this man is now paying for his children but still can’t see them until the court orders it. Or do you think it should just work in the mum’s favour ?

As far as I can tell, from the very start and throughout @Wokeuptired has been given false information from her son. Practically every single figure given has been discredited.

Courts don’t withhold access because of any money issues whatever. Completely separate consideration.

If the courts are withholding access - it is because of acute concerns regarding the parent

Yes, I realise that. The poster is saying that there should be a link between access and maintenance and is advocating that this should even apply to non biological fathers where there is a relationship with the child. What I’m trying to ascertain is whether this poster thinks that if a non resident parent should expect to pay before being allowed access, should a resident parent still expect payment even though access is being withheld.

Personally even of my ex withheld access, I would still absolutely want to pay maintenance for my child. Because ultimately I wouldn’t want my child to lose out because of their awful resident parent

Thank you, I have had a crash course in cms now.
Yes my son didn't give me the correct figures from the phone calls he had as he was spiralling and worried he wouldn't be able to keep his job, his priority was to keep his job as how can he pay for his children if he has no job.
I have told him it's not a job it's a career as he has spent many years getting to where he is now and he only needs to rise another 2 positions within his field and he will be earning at least triple what he is now.
He has decided to not take holiday for this week at least as he needs to work.
I did have another thread on here under a different user name about the issues within the relationship with the ex but like most things is not straight forward, she is not allowed to contact him directly or indirectly that's why contact has to go through the courts and why he attempted to take his own life, i didn't add this into my opening post as its not relevant to the question I was asking.
But what she did to him was despicable. And why social services are involved with the children.

I'm so sorry, and I'm just glad he has you. How many men don't have anyone? I've seen newspaper articles about CMS making errors and driving people to suicide, and while men who choose to have children then abandon their families and won't pay are awful, there are terrible mothers too.

Thank you, even though she wasn't a good partner my son said even behind closed doors she is a good mother and that gives him some peace. Social services do not agree but that's all down to the court case upcoming.
I'm just thankful that the posters here could shed some light on how the cms work as it really helped in grounding my son. I have to say hand on heart I would of never of thought he would of been the person to try and end his life he always looked so happy.
But since the attempt we have worked with the professionals and our son has really opened up to us about the abuse and all the trauma he has endured. I just can't loose him.

Can he get signed onto universal credit to help pay his rent

Yes my son didn't give me the correct figures from the phone calls

He hasn’t given the “correct figures” over and over again. Does he just make them up? You were actually with him after the call - and yet still, wrong figures? Have you ever clarified where he managed to pick £9k arrears from?

@Lemonbiccie That's commendable, but I assume at that point you'd also go back to court to sort child care arrangements? In cases of 50/50 shared care, for example, no maintenance is due from either party. But I agree insofar as both bio parents should be financially supporting their child e.g. not just mum or not just dad.

You wouldn’t pay anything towards your child if you ex was withholding access? Even if you knew your child would suffer?

@Nomoreexcessgum presumably because he is stressed, and dyslexic and when you are stressed dyslexia is much more pronounced.

I could read the same thing 5 different ways if I was stressed enough.

Every single figure he has given the Op since the start has been wrong. And the £9k plucked from thin air.

I don’t think the OP is giving us intentionally wrong numbers. I think she is being given a lot of incorrect numbers from her very ill son

@Nomoreexcessgum Of course I would, but I would also absolutely be expecting mum to work and provide for the child too, not relying solely on me.
And of course I would also not accept refusal to share care of my child.

Yes. Any entire situation involving being denied access; not paying CMS; not pursuing court for access etc - unfathomably alien to me