To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

You are definitely heading towards LC with DIL. You’ve stirred the pot with your DS. If you are babysitting for them, they’ve two children, would you like them to get a second babysitter for the older child.
You will the one who causes the divide between the parents to eventually the children.
Your services or money won’t be needed.

Blended families are commonplace and can be tricky to navigate however at the heart of this are two little girls who will grow up as sisters with one set of grandparents living close. If all sets of grandparents lived similar distances this would be easier to navigate.

You seem to regard any time spent with both girls as taking away from your time with your granddaughter. If you continue to make it obvious you see your granddaughters sister as an inconvenience it will result in reducing your time with your granddaughter so you’re correct in thinking you need to think about how you manage this. Your DIL is starting to realise you see her other daughter as an inconvenience and that’s going to damage your relationship with her.

You don’t need to try and force yourself to love the other little girl but start seeing her as your granddaughters big sister and involving her some of the time. You might find you enjoy spending time with her. Pick activities that as far as possible work for both. Consider buying her presents with the knowledge they will get used by your granddaughter in time and even things up a bit more. As they get older assuming no resentments develop between the two of them they’ll want to spend time together. An additional child who likes you and wants to spend time with you is a bonus not a problem.

I won't say if you are being unreasonable or not. I will say that I think the relatives who treated my half sister overtly differently to me on account of "blood" were cunts, and I gave them a big swerve as soon as I was able to.

This is not just about how you feel about your step granddaughter, it's about how your granddaughter feels about her sister.

The time to fuss and spoil you DGD is when her sister is with her dad. Surely there will be plenty of time then for nice activities focused just on her. But when the girls are together you should take them both and treat them the same.

I also agree it’s fine to give the other a bit smaller birthday present, if you know her other GPs are getting her something bigger. It’s not about how you feel, it’s about how she feels.

When the older child is away with her dad or other grandparents op can indulge her granddaughter as much as she wants. The DIL, the son and certainly the op have no control over what goes on in the time the child spends with her ‘other family.’

While she is with this family however, op has a duty to keep things neutral and not make glaring discrepancies between the two girls. It’s so cruel.

If OP wanted to be helpful, she could offer to take the older child to school and then spend time fussing over the baby. That would actually be helpful.

That isnt ‘help’, it’s just op seeing the child she wants to see.

This is about the child, not you. Maybe your ds ‘understands’. I would say that is more, because he doesn’t have a child being othered in this way.

His child came later and the older girl’s grandparents will just not take his child out. That’s a far cleaner and nicer way of doing it. However, you can’t do that, because the older child is part of your ds’s nuclear family and she will see your ds as her second dad.

If you want to have a good relationship with your grandchild and dil, you’d do well to treat both children equally.

Whilst i understand your sentiments in this and you feel how you feel abut it.
However when you son married a woman with a child that blended family could cause issues with how your thoughts and feelings on this are perceived.
Im wondering how your son feels about this ?
This is only going to get worse particularly if "gifts" get larger eg : private school fees.
I think you should have a discussion about how you feel about this.
I can see potential problems as your grand daughter and her sister get older and realise what is happening and it will need some explanation.
Or your DIL and may refuse to accept expensive gifts for your grandaughter.
For full disclosure i was in your grand daughters position (although my half sister didnt have grand parents or a father around) My parents accepted the disproportionate gifts at first but as we got older the disproportion got more noticeable,i felt uncomfortable and felt sorry for my sister (she never complained) The crux came when school fees were mentioned ,my parents felt that children of the family could not be treated disproportionately .
Your son and DIL have the power here and what they feel about this issue may matter moving forwards.

Plenty of bio grand parents say they find it hard managing a small baby and an older grand child child.

It shouldn’t be expected that grand parents always take both kids.

She’s an innocent child and you’re giving way too much thought to this idea that you have to treat her differently.

I agree. And the OP doesnt feel the same 'emotional ties' towards the 2 children. It is what it is

A puzzle ?! You sound so mean.

I do know my MIL feels differently. When I had my daughter a few years ago, she said, Ooo our first granddaughter, she caught herself quickly as my SIL gave her a look, she was like you know what I mean. But she hasn’t treated them any differently and has never said anything in front of my niece.

I can understand that feelings are what they are. You can’t force a feeling, and it will feel differently with biological children.

I have a friend whose daughter is gay. Her and her wife both gave birth within a few months of each other. My friend said she does feel more of a pull to the baby her daughter gave birth to and she feels awful that she feels this way. But wouldn’t treat them any differently.

See if I had grandparents who wanted to get me nice things pay for school fees / trips etc and my parents wouldn't accept it as my sibling wasn't getting the same if feel resentment that I was missing out due to one of my parents having a kid with someone else

I have some sympathy for you OP. It is fairly taboo to say you love your own grandchild in a way you don't love your step grandchild but I imagine it is very very common. there is nothing wrong with feeling like that.

It is also complicated because you feel you are expected to treat the children the same - thus giving one child 3 sets of grandparents while your child will not be treated the same by her sister's paternal grandparents.

But you need to look at the bigger picture here which is your son created a family with this child and your step grandchild is the sister of the grandchild you love so much. This sister will be her close family member long after you are gone.

I love my MIL for many reasons but one of the reasons I admire her so much was in an exactly similar situation she made no difference between the actual grandchild and the step ones. Her son had married the mother and loved the children and that was enough for her. They also had active grandchildren on their father's side (and an active father too) but she babysat all of them and treated them the same. Now she is older and in and out of hospital etc those children visit her as grandchildren.

Look at the long term relationship you will have with your son and his family. this step child will never be out of your life. even if they divorce your grandchild will always love her sister.

Basically suck it up because you will shoot yourself in the foot if you don't.

Oh yes that’s how children see things, when she’s five she’ll understand seeing her sister coming home laden with presents, whilst she’s got “a nice puzzle” six months ago for her birthday!

Cruel, and if this was me DS, I’d be sad that he hadn’t dealt with this situation sooner. The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree!

id be telling you to stop buying presents for the new baby, restricting time spent and let you keep your money.

To be fair, it’s highly likely that OP’s grand daughter will not feel loved by her sister’s dad or grandparents either, and is treated differently (I imagine her sister’s dad isn’t going to be taking her for overnights/weekends/holidays).

Provided OP is kind and loving to the step grand daughter, kids know well enough what their relationships are to other people and why they might be different.

I understand why your granddaughter is different and special to you. However I think YABU to ostracise the other child like this. It’s cruel. It’s not only cruel to the girl, it’s ultimately cruel to your granddaughter. She’ll grow up loving her big sister - then see you treat her like nothing and purposely exclude her.

Also, the older girl will begin to resent her little sister and this could cause huge damage to their relationship, both as children and as adults.

If I were your DIL I would think the same. I absolutely would not be okay with anyone coming into my home and ignoring one of the siblings, and the way you talk about how much of a chore it would be to spend time with both of the sisters together cements that. It all sounds very much about what you want, what suits you, not what is best for granddaughter or your son's family.

Well it is what it is but I'm firmly in the emotional ties camp.

So you aren’t really interested in helping your son and DIL as only taking one child doesn’t give them a break or a lie in like you say. You also say you don’t want looking after a child to feel like a chore which is why you only want to look after the one. It’s all about what you can get out of everything, not about helping anyone else or considering how they feel. You are very “I get no joy from them so what’s the point” Do you not get joy from making your own sons life easier? Or did he get boring to you once he stopped bringing you joy with his giggling?

That is not what she’s indicated though, is it?

I don't think you are BU at all, but not sure, logistically, how you can cater for one child but not the other. Presumably they are with each other a lot and cared for at the same time. You sound very thoughtful and accommodating but the danger is DIL will take offence if you tell her how you feel and you'll be cast as the bad, unreasonable one. What does your DS say? I think you need to set those boundaries but be prepared for some fallout, at least initially.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having stronger feelings and a closer bond/attachment to your own grandchild; however, you are really taking the external display of that too far. You sound like a loving and doting grandmother, so I’d recommend trying to approach this from the perspective of your granddaughters needs and best interests, not your own needs around reliving the best bits of your parenting days. It is absolutely NOT going to be in the best interests of your own granddaughter for you to behave in this way, as it will bring tension and stress into the house, and a sense of disconnection and difference from her half-sibling. Based on probability, her relationship with her half-sibling will most likely be longer lasting than her relationship with her grandparents. If you want the best for her, then contribute to the best family dynamics you can. I don’t even think that needs to be equal, but resenting the possibility of cooking some pancakes with a 5 year old, or helping a 10yr old with homework is taking it too far…. As is spending hundreds of £ on one child and £20 on the other.

I’d also think really carefully about whether you are willing to throw away your relationship with your granddaughter simply to avoid having to spend a little time with a 5yr old girl, who really has done nothing to hurt you. If it continues and your DIL is any kind of decent mother, you will find yourself having a very limited role. They won’t actually be able to spend Christmas with you, because the fallout won’t be worth it when one child opens up the newest expensive toy and the other opens a colouring book. The question really comes down to whether you love your granddaughter enough to not put the family in this position