AIBU to resent funding my husband while he works part-time?

[Stressedbadlydressed]

DH has a job that averages 20 hours a week. He’s always running out of money beyond the first week of pay. He pays his part of the mortgage and bills but that’s it. I buy food and everything for the house.

I am Dr and working 48 hour weeks. I am drained. I’m on £45k.

our combined incomes have meant we haven’t been able to move out of an area that we both dislike immensely. I have £16k in savings, that he says I should put towards a deposit.

I’ve asked him to increase his hours or find a new job. He says he will but it never materialises. Then he will say things like trust the process, or that he’s getting “paid” in time so he can pursue his “passion”.

His mother has told him that as I am projected to earn more as I get more experience that it’s unfair I’m expecting him to contribute more.

I find it very unattractive that I effectively fund his life and standard of living. Whenever he asks to borrow money I feel physically repulsed. Aibu?

I would want to be contributing more if my partner earned that amount and I was only part time. He doesn’t seem to be working as a team for the greater good.

He’s not pursuing any passion unless the passion is to get YOU PAYING FOR EVERYTHING while he sits around wanking and watching tv all day 🤷‍♀️

I wouldnt be happy in this situ either

My SIL did this to my DB before they married - she just stopped working. Theyd bought a house she contributeted £15k towards and he put in £150k abd against his solicitors advice, he didnt get that financial difeerence recirded in an agreement. She never went back to work until he said he was retiring at 50yo.
Some people are CFs.
Dont lend him money, tell him he needs to manage his money better or earn more. We all have passions but none of us should expevt someone else to fund our passion.

Does he love you? Did he marry you because hou will replace the funding he lost from his DF?

Seriously ask yourself these questions now to work out if you want to put up with this for the rest of your married life.

It would be a hard No if it was happening to me.

I know it gets people's backs up, but a lot of this sounds like inattentive ADHD. Although he may well have some personal failings and attitude problems on top of it, if it is a factor. It's unusual to come out of a good education with no qualifications at all and it's hard not to wonder if there might be more to it than lack of effort. If he's consistently failing to do chores too it would also make me suspect ADHD, together with the exhaustion he reports after working only a few hours a week - it may be that he knows he doesn't have the energy for full time work. His mum's situation sounds suspiciously similar. Still doesn't mean you have to stay with him of course if it's making you miserable. But it might be worth looking into as a last resort. Medication can be life changing for a person and everyone in their orbit.

I'd be interested to know what his life was like before he met you and what the career was that he was pursuing but gave up. And what's his sleep like?

You are an intelligent woman. Why in the world did you marry this lodger? I suggest you divorce now, because there's nothing in your posts that suggests you are best friends and could never live without each other.

It is in a traditional homemaker / breadwinner setup.
This woman is the main earner and does most of the things around the house while her partner does nothing.

Life isn’t that simple

it's a lot simpler than you think.

Your 2 year marriage and no children will be classed as a short marriage,

depending on the status of your house, you could file for a no-fault divorce and work out the division of assets in the two years of your marriage. Make him an offer for the house. Your career prospects are good so you can make it work to get rid of the millstone round your neck. He's hardly going to go after your pension, it isn't like you've had a 30 year marriage with children.

youre better off cutting and running now.

please please please don't have a child with this man.

There are many ways of working in the arts. He isn't pursuing them. Ditch him. I mean that.

You won’t change him. It’s a case of accepting who he is, or getting out.

OP, you absolutely must leave him, you are still only 29, but the clock is also ticking. He is absolutely never going to change. You have wasted enough time with this guy, don’t waste anymore.

leave, go out there and give yourself another chance at happiness. He is going to drag you down even more, he is so selfish and absolutely will never change. Stay with him and your life will never change, it will just get worse when you have children. If you were my daughter, I would be devastated that you’re in this situation.

there are better things out there for you. Don’t waste anymore more precious time with this waster. And absolutely don’t give it a second thought as to what he would think of you if you left him. He is not worth a second of your thoughts or consideration. You absolutely must leave. We only get one life and if you stay, you will have bitter regrets later on but it will be too late.

i very rarely post, but i just could not read this one and not say anything. You must leave. If you do, you’ll look back and thank yourself for doing so.X

Any update?
Hope you're doing ok

I’m so sorry but you need to end the marriage. I guess he would inherit from parents so maybe that’s his game plan. But the lack of care would be an absolute dealbreaker for me, not even a cup of tea? Nope, not doing it. At least if you go now you won’t lose too much of your pension.

Hi OP, hope you are OK? And getting any support you need 💐

Depends where you live. In Scotland children no matter if not specifically mentioned in a will cannot be "written out". Basic entitlement one third of moveable estate once debts etc settled this to be shared if more than one offspring.

And countless studies show that even when both the man and the woman in a couple work, women typically do the most housework! And anecdotally based on what I’ve observed in a lot of couples this rings true.

I had only one friend with a now ex-house husband and I was baffled by it. She would pay younger relatives to babysit her two children while he was in the house playing computer games. One was hers from a previous marriage and the youngest was their shared child. She would come back and do everything in the house. He deliberately didn’t learn to drive so she was like his taxi.

The only thing he did was occasionally cook and that was more because he was from another culture and missed that cuisine 🤦🏽‍♀️ years later she became very ill mentally and physically unwell and unable to work and gave him a final chance to change. He didn’t so she left him, she said getting rid of him was part of her healing journey and she’s now better.

Why would he leave, did you really think he’d leave his meal ticket. Next he’ll be love bombing you to get you pregnant. You really believe the lies he tells you about money, he’s going to go after every penny of yours he can get. You’re actually lucky, no children, a house with a mortgage and probably no equity, student debt, this is an excellent time to divorce.

Go to a solicitor, you’ll need your savings of 16K for this, stop funding anything in the house for him, eat at the work canteen, he might stop paying the mortgage and bills, be prepared for this possibility. If he’s no petrol money, no food he might go and live with his mother. You’d be a very lucky woman if he did. Get all important documents out of the house now, store at your mothers or siblings etc.

They are married, it is his home, she can’t physically remove him, and obviously the police wouldn’t. Not saying he shouldn’t go, he should, but he can’t be forced without a court order

@Stressedbadlydressed you are clearly highly intelligent and a real grafter. Progressing in medicine is gruelling.
Obviously you love(d) your DH but I do wonder if your self-esteem is on the low side? Because by any measure you deserve so much better than this.
If your DH was lazy in terms of working but really nurtured you as the hard working member of the partnership, that would be something of a redeeming feature and supportive of you with your career.
But he doesn't even make you a cup of tea and looks to you for money all the time? Speaks volumes.

Spoilt idle waste of space.

@JHound It is in a traditional homemaker / breadwinner setup.

Which, as I already said, is no longer socially acceptable.

Tell your female friends that you think it's fine for women to do all the domestic labour in a traditional relationship. Let me know how you get on.

It's often said on here that couples should have equal amounts of leisure time.

So "all the domestic labour" is overstating it, if that means that a SAHP is doing all cooking, cleaning, tidying, shopping, childcare etc on evenings and weekends as well as during the other person's working hours.

Did you see this coming? Did you discuss work, income, finances with him before you were living together/married? If not, you really need to sit down and have a serious talk about this. One starting point is to stop giving him money! Maybe send him to his mum for pocket money.
If you did have this conversation prior to living together, revisit it and challenge him.

I do my best to be objective about these things. My instinct tells me that if the boot was on the other foot, the responses would be completely different.

Hi @MyObservations , you are none too observant as this has been brought up and discussed several times on this thread.

Thank you @SheilaFentiman . I had noticed but by far the majority of the responses that I've seen prompted me to comment as I did.