To not let my 18yr old DS have his drugs back

[TheSereneBird]

I posted last week about my 18 year old accessing his child ISA account. Things have escalated but him accessing that money is the least of my worries now. I thought I would start a new thread rather than continue the old one.

My DS went to stay with a friend for a few days and then randomly came home the other morning. (He has a history of self medicating for his ADHD with cannabis and he is now most probably addicted and destroying his life. He has recently lost his job). I heard him rattling around downstairs so once he went up to bed I went to see what he had been doing downstairs. On the ktichen table I find 8 or so small containers with white powder - some were in crystal form and had white powder crushed by it. Just left there. I am sure he didn't mean to leave it but I have an younger child who would have trotted dowsnstairs in the morning and seen it. I hid it and gave it to my husband, We were not sure what it was but assumed it was not a good or legal thing. He's now asking me if I have taken anything from him. I have questioned him and said what exactly do you think I took? Was it some weed? He said no not weed. He has told me now it wsa cocaine. I don't know if that is definitely true or he is trying to wind me up but this has happened once before. Last time, we told him we'd taken it and he was not getting it back. We ended up giving him several hundreds of pounds to pay someone off and he swore he wouldnt get involved again.He has told me he doesnt take it only sells a little bit because he needs money. He said he is in debt. We have bailed him out so many times (usually for large amountd of weed). I feel so scared and have no idea what to do. Obviously we wont be returning it - my DH actually threw it out. I have suggested he spends the time looking for a job if he needs money. He said he is doing that too but its 3pm and he has only just woken up. How the hell do I navigate this?? Who can I turn to for help? I feel desperate.

Link to the previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5576003-aibu-to-refuse-my-18-year-old-access-to-his-savings?page=11

Im afraid I dont have any useful advice, but in a way id be more worried about dealing than using, given the likelihood of owing money, the sums that could be involved and chance of trouble on the doorstep.

How much is he expected to pay for the drugs now in the bin / down the toilet? Who will be expecting to paid, and when?

Others will come along with some sound experience for you, but id be selling up and moving far far away I think! (I know in reality this is unlikely to be possible, but id be in full panic / losing my shit mode)

This is how I feel. But I am not sure if it was even a large amount

You need to find out if he is being threatened by anyone and if he is call the police for advice.

I am too afraid to call the police as I have no idea what I am dealing with or potentially opening the door to. He has been in trouble for weed possession and currently on a referral order. But he is an adult now. He can't afford anymore trouble.

Can you afford to move areas or move DS?

If you can pay, that could be an option but depending on who you are dealing with paying them off may just end up with them giving DS more to sell. He might not have the option to stop now he is involved, which is why the police are the best option. It might cause him some short term trouble but they are the ones best able to offer the right advice to keep him safe and get him out.

Ffs I would be beyond pissed.

Bit dense of him to leave it on the kitchen table. I would be having a come to Jesus moment and tell him he’s an idiot. What’s he going to make selling a bit of drugs?

Hundreds? Thousands? Get a fucking grip. That’s small change when it comes to working. You get caught you won’t get a job. Then what are you going to do. Even if you don’t get caught - What are you going to do with it? Walk around with a bunch of cash, probably lose it on a night out.

And Even if you become a drug lord - earn tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands. You can’t fucking buy anything with it. Can’t buy a house, can’t buy a car.

And you’re incapable as a drug dealer. You literally leave your drugs on a kitchen table. Get a fucking grip and get a job!

And on top of the come to Jesus talk/ reality check I would get them to get their cash isa up. You are withdrawing the total amount and giving it to me. I will give it back to you at intervals I deem fit.

How much is it safe to tell the social worked who is assigned to him for his referral order? Will they really help or just report him? I literally have no idea what to do. WTAF?

I don’t think a social is going to help.

What is your social class and where do you live?

Why has that got anything to do with it? Genuine question

Because I am trying to ascertain whether this is a likely gang related, county lines, or posh boy buys drugs to sell to his mates.

First two you could probably get a tick (loan); later your in all likelihood buying upfront and even if your not no drug dealer is coming to batter down the middle class door of a family in Guildford for 8 lost vials of cocaine.

I’d flush it down the toilet, restrict all access to cash if possible and lock up your valuables. I’d give him a warning that if he ever brings drugs into your home again where your other child is that you’ll call the police, have him arrested and change the locks.

Give him one chance and if he does anything like this throw him out.

Get him help for his ADHD and whatever help he will accept but if he blows it he’s gone. Yes sadly he might end up in a worse state but really there’s nothing more you can do for him after this. He’ll likely go on to steal; get into more trouble, cause you and your family untold misery and suffering. He needs the talk now and to face the consequences of his actions if he does it again.

middle class in a middle class area. But for some reason DS has rejected that life and his group of friends are all working class living on council estates in single parent families. This is not posh boy drugs. I have always liked the friends that we have met and we have encouraged him to bring them home - i don't honestly believe they are the ringleaders. I think they are all just msguided and if anything my son is the troublemaker the crazy impulsive one. Its maddening.

I know you mean well and in many ways that is my furious instinct. But in reality I am not going to do that. I just have no bloody idea what to do

Maybe you could have bought a drug testing kit online and seen what it was. Coke is expensive and he obviously will owe someone for it.
I'd call the police or his community support officer ???
You need to think about moving house if possible. I know it seems a big thing but it would be worth it.

Aren't you worried about repercussions of his debt? I'd be afraid they'll come and smash the windows in
Get ring cameras and maybe an indoor Tapo camera.
You can't pay it off again surely it's just enabling him. He has had no consequences really as he knows you won't do shit about it? Can't you throw him out for a while? He literally left cocaine on the kitchen table surely if you just muddle on he will be trying to live some Walter White lifestyle from your house! Get DH to kick him out until he sorts his life out!

You’re gonna end up with a brick through your window if he’s got drug debts and is associated with your address. I’d pay off his drug debts and move him back in on the condition he stops selling. But if he continues to sell then I wouldn’t let him round to even visit as it puts the younger child at risk. This is exactly what happened in my family btw and they had to move in the end.

She’s tried reading the riot act once and it’s escalated from weed to dealing coke.

OP, no words of wisdom, I’d be desperate too.

If it had crystals in it's unlikely to be coke. Ketamine comes in small crystals and has to be crushed. I think you need to do what's best to keep your younger children safe. It's very easy for cross contamination to happen if drugs are being left around communal areas of your home.
Are you getting any support for yourself? Emerging Futures offer really good family support if they are in your area.

Not all single parents have these problems with their children and not all of them live on council estates either. Anyone can find themselves a single parent, for what ever circumstances, from all classes.
Cocaine is a class A drug. It can cause death and can also destroy families, look what it's doing to yours!! Its serious and needs dealing with.
This lad needs taking in hand.....I would be tempted to involve the police. What other option have you got at this point? He clearly isn't listening to his parents.

You'd be better off throwing him out or contacting the police yourself. The risk of social services being involved due to your younger child if he's picked up by the police would be too high a risk for me.

Honestly I would show him the door. He’s bringing trouble to your door and you’re likely to be impacted directly now. Get him out of your house and then he might decide that his middle class upbringing wasn’t so bad at all.

OP, you know what you need to do. If a stranger left a bag of drugs at your home, you'd call the police. You wouldn't be throwing drugs away and pretending it wasn't happening.
So what we have at the moment is a troubled young man who could really use some CJS involvement and parents burying their heads in the sand and hoping it will all go away. It won't.
Of course, SW needs to be aware, of course, the police need to be aware too. It's really hard to advise anything else beyond this. At the end of the day, your son is selling drugs. There are dozens of parents in your position right now directly because of your son's actions. You yourself wouldn't be worrying about your son right now if someone in the past reported a person who sold him drugs to the police. That's the harsh truth.
You have my full sympathy, it's a difficult situation to find yourself in but "what to do" should be very obvious right now.

This must be such a scary time for your family. When my addict was 18, he said that he had drug debt. The first time we paid up, because we were scared of repercussions. We to had younger children in the house, who needed to be safeguarded. We made the decision to make our son leave home and he moved in to.supported housing, where he received support. He thanked us for throwing him out...he said that he understood why we had to use tough love and stop enabling him. That was a few years ago, today he works, lives independently and has been welcomed back to our family with open arms.
Fortunately I found a 12 Step programme for me www.famanon.org.uk I started to go to meetings, use their literature and let our son go with love.

He is not a stranger though. He is my son and at this point I don't know the extent of what I am dealign with. I don't even know if it is cocaine and I don't know for sure if he is selling. Maybe he is using but is more embarrassed to admit that as he always said he would never do that. I can't throw him to the wolves and then find out it was not what I thought it was. Though, I am not ignoring the fact that this is bloody serious and I need to get to the bottom of it and get him the help he needs. And frankly myself.

thanks Caza. What is supported housing and how would I access it? I definitely think it is better than he moves out and has time to sort himself out away from the family but I need to find out what the options are. I don't want to just kick him out and say you're on your own as I could not live with myself if that went horribly wrong. Supported living giving him the space and support he needs might be the best option. As it stands he has "moved out" in that he is bed hopping at friends, taken most of his clothes and pops back now and then to sleep in his own bed and get his clothes washed (he washes them himself) and I think at the moment at least it is important that he knows he has a safe place to come to. But I know this cannot continue indeifnitely.