To not let my 18yr old DS have his drugs back

[TheSereneBird]

I posted last week about my 18 year old accessing his child ISA account. Things have escalated but him accessing that money is the least of my worries now. I thought I would start a new thread rather than continue the old one.

My DS went to stay with a friend for a few days and then randomly came home the other morning. (He has a history of self medicating for his ADHD with cannabis and he is now most probably addicted and destroying his life. He has recently lost his job). I heard him rattling around downstairs so once he went up to bed I went to see what he had been doing downstairs. On the ktichen table I find 8 or so small containers with white powder - some were in crystal form and had white powder crushed by it. Just left there. I am sure he didn't mean to leave it but I have an younger child who would have trotted dowsnstairs in the morning and seen it. I hid it and gave it to my husband, We were not sure what it was but assumed it was not a good or legal thing. He's now asking me if I have taken anything from him. I have questioned him and said what exactly do you think I took? Was it some weed? He said no not weed. He has told me now it wsa cocaine. I don't know if that is definitely true or he is trying to wind me up but this has happened once before. Last time, we told him we'd taken it and he was not getting it back. We ended up giving him several hundreds of pounds to pay someone off and he swore he wouldnt get involved again.He has told me he doesnt take it only sells a little bit because he needs money. He said he is in debt. We have bailed him out so many times (usually for large amountd of weed). I feel so scared and have no idea what to do. Obviously we wont be returning it - my DH actually threw it out. I have suggested he spends the time looking for a job if he needs money. He said he is doing that too but its 3pm and he has only just woken up. How the hell do I navigate this?? Who can I turn to for help? I feel desperate.

This is going to escalate. Some very tough decisions are needed now.

It's unlikely he has possession of a significant amount of drugs without having paid for them upfront. If you give him (or gave, as you've done this in the past) money to 'pay someone off', it's likely you're just enabling him to get himself a fresh supply.

Yes. You are not wrong. A part of me wants it to escalate quickly because I have often thought that until he hits absolute rock bottom he won't start to pull himself up. We have tried and tried everything. He has an addiction and ADHD therapist but he has told me he is not doing it anymore "the guy is an idiot and doesn't know what he is talking about" is his reasoning.

I don't know how it works but in the past he has told us it is "on consignment". He takes it sells it and shares the profit. But its only even been cannabis

I am so sorry to hear about the escalation.

https://addictionfamilysupport.org.uk/ is a support service for families of drug users. It was founded by Elizabeth Burton-Phillips who, like you, watched her twin sons escalate from teen weed smokers to more serious drugs. She wrestled with the same questions you’re asking; threw the drugs out, paid the debts off, was robbed by her child, even walking the streets to buy drugs for her withdrawing son at one point. A truly harrowing situation.

She wrote a book called ‘Mum, can you led me twenty quid?’ which you might find helpful in slower time. And she founded this charity to support families in situations like hers.

I once heard her speak about her situation. A totally normal family, with well supported children, where it all went wrong so very quickly.

He’s a drug dealer. He’s likely to be caught by the police at some point anyway. I know he’s your flesh and blood but you need to report him. The drugs could seriously harm or kill someone else’s son or daughter and then he would be facing a lot worse than he is now.

Ooo sorry. That is incredibly frustrating!

Hmm, it’s hard for me to say then. Could still be friends dealing with each other which he will vehemently say he needs to pay back or else! But in that scenario it’s just bluster and they will have to soak up it up/ not give him anymore drugs/ maybe defriend him which would be pretty good outcome.

Even if he does owe the debt to someone bigger and badder I don’t think they will be picking that kind of fight in a middle class area over that quantity so you are pretty safe to put your foot down. So you could just ground him until he gets a job.

Do you have Wize Up in your area? I work with young people and this is a service we have used in the past to some success.

Thanks I will look it up

Respectfully OP, and I appreciate this isn’t an easy thing to do, but you haven’t tried everything because you are still covering for him. He brought 8 bags or whatever of cocaine into your home and left it on the bench where your younger child could have not only seen it but grabbed and taken it. He had admitted to you that he is selling drugs. Ring the police.

If you had the power or sway with him to change his behaviour then you would have been able to do it long before now. You’re not helping him by hiding his criminal activity from the police.

You can buy drug testing kits from Amazon. They are cheap and easy to use. Maybe you can only allow him home if he is clear of drugs.

Chuck him out!!! Anyone bringing drugs into my house would be leaving the same day!! The drugs I’d hand over to the police for proper disposal of

You are putting your other child’s life at risk and also you can have your younger child taken away by SS by allowing a drug dealer and drugs to remain in your house!!

do the right thing and report your son to the police as this is only way to sort him out

For starters, tell him if he lives at home he lives by your rules.

1. In the week you are up no later than 8.30.
2. Any more drugs in the house, itwill go down the toilet and he will need to pack up his things and leave.
3. Need to see his ISA so you know what's going on.

If he gets caught selling coke he will go to prison.
Good luck

Then he shouldn't be getting into trouble.

I would not facilitate drugs in my house, my child or not. Don't condone this. He won't thank you either way!

Sorry no advise. I just wanted to say that parenting a wayward teen is bleedin hard work! Ive been there done it. Anyone who hasn’t tends to see things very black and white and give out of touch advise.

Whatever you do, I wish you luck.

Thank you. I am laughing (not laughing) at those who suggest I ground him and make him get up at 8:30 etc. If only. The only control I have is to report him or kick him out. Thank you to the poster who recommended that family support charity which looks super helpful. They don’t recommended kicking them out as a first port of call but looks like most of the advice is for addicts not dealing which is a whole other world.

Looking at pictures online I think it might be ketamine not cocaine. No idea if that is any different and no idea why he would say it was cocaine if it isn’t other than to be a total ahole

He is already in trouble.

The numerous bailouts and poor boundaries with your son has led you here.

You can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different outcomes. I would not let him stay in my house with such a cavalier attitude towards the health and safety of his siblings.

Im not suggesting it will be easy telling your son to leave but as long as you continue to be his soft landing, he hasn’t the incentive to get his shit together.

You can not prioritise the safety of your younger children as long as their reckless brother lives under the same roof. Tbe balls in your court, not his.

Realistically, I think he’s well past the stage of avoiding more trouble. He’s right in the thick of it and it’s really only a matter of time until he gets his collar felt.
We have bailed him out so many times (usually for large amounts of weed) This’ll be why he’s not getting up until 3pm. He thinks you’ll just do it again and it’ll all be fine until the next time. He just has to fob you off. You’ve done everything you can to keep him safe and he’s taken that and shit all over it.

I think it all boils down to whether or not you trust him to tell you the truth. If you believe the old flannel he’s giving you now, then great. He’ll sort himself out, probably with another loan from you, and everything will be fine until your other child finds it laying about. Or dealers are calling you, threatening to pour petrol through your letterbox if you don’t pay his debt. Or the police are kicking your door in at 5am. Or he steals everything valuable and does a runner. He’s had so many chances and he’s just escalating.

In your shoes, I’d take his key off him and tell him he has to leave. Tell him you love him, you’ll help him find a room in an HMO, or in a flat share. You’ll help him with therapy or rehab. You’ll help him sort his finances out and find employment. You’ll even get the odd bag of basic groceries for him if necessary. But you will not risk the safety of the rest of your family for someone who isn’t willing to change. Best case scenario is that he realises that his little gangster act isn’t quite as exciting when you haven’t got the safety net of a nice, middle class family, and he’ll sort himself out. Worst case scenario doesn’t bear thinking about. But I think he’s delivered you to a crossroads and you have no other sensible choice in the face of his refusal to pack it in.

I can’t begin to imagine what an agonising position you’re in.

You do know that he has been dealing weed, it's perfectly reasonable to think that it escalated to harder drugs. So you already know that things are completely out of hand and bailing him out has not done anything to deter him. At what point will you admit that you need professionals involved? And I don't mean his therapist.
It's not your job as a parent to investigate. This is a job for the police.
You are putting yourself and your other child at risk and you need authorities involved to keep you all safe. Including your 18-year-old who is on a very slippery slope right now.

This. As a single parent on a low income my 3 adult kids aren’t dealing fucking coke, they have degrees, responsible jobs (think pilot/school teacher etc) and they’re respectful and productive members of society. You can take your middle class attitude and shove it up your nose.

The problem you've got is that if the social catch wind of this, you're going to have them crawling all over you because of the younger child in the house.

Its not right but I'd tell him he's kicked out effective immediately. And then actually do it.

Sorry to say but your son is going to be owing a drug dealer a large amount of money for that cocaine that your dh just threw out. Owing money to drug dealers is no laughing matter.