To not let my 18yr old DS have his drugs back

[TheSereneBird]

I posted last week about my 18 year old accessing his child ISA account. Things have escalated but him accessing that money is the least of my worries now. I thought I would start a new thread rather than continue the old one.

My DS went to stay with a friend for a few days and then randomly came home the other morning. (He has a history of self medicating for his ADHD with cannabis and he is now most probably addicted and destroying his life. He has recently lost his job). I heard him rattling around downstairs so once he went up to bed I went to see what he had been doing downstairs. On the ktichen table I find 8 or so small containers with white powder - some were in crystal form and had white powder crushed by it. Just left there. I am sure he didn't mean to leave it but I have an younger child who would have trotted dowsnstairs in the morning and seen it. I hid it and gave it to my husband, We were not sure what it was but assumed it was not a good or legal thing. He's now asking me if I have taken anything from him. I have questioned him and said what exactly do you think I took? Was it some weed? He said no not weed. He has told me now it wsa cocaine. I don't know if that is definitely true or he is trying to wind me up but this has happened once before. Last time, we told him we'd taken it and he was not getting it back. We ended up giving him several hundreds of pounds to pay someone off and he swore he wouldnt get involved again.He has told me he doesnt take it only sells a little bit because he needs money. He said he is in debt. We have bailed him out so many times (usually for large amountd of weed). I feel so scared and have no idea what to do. Obviously we wont be returning it - my DH actually threw it out. I have suggested he spends the time looking for a job if he needs money. He said he is doing that too but its 3pm and he has only just woken up. How the hell do I navigate this?? Who can I turn to for help? I feel desperate.

Those drugs could have killed your younger kids. I would ask him to leave. Its for his own good - he needs to come to some kind of realisation and he won't while you are supporting him

PPs advocating kick him out, are those that surely support society’s desire to end homelessness.

For someone in @TheSereneBird DSs position it is not just as easy as rocking up to the homeless unit and being placed in a hostel or sheltered accommodation, what with all of the other reprobates in the same position, some with no other choice than to be there because they have been kicked out or had nowhere to be kicked out of in the first place.

Calling the police - he already has a court ruling over him. Would locking him up in cell,
appearing before a magistrate in the morning and being released on bail be of any use?
I used to mentor young boys and have done many court chaperones.

In some ways what is needed is families dealing with this shit. He is OPs DS, she is trying to do something about the situation. We can’t just keep palming our troubled, young people over to the state, It is overwhelmed and struggling.

OP, you need to determine his status in this, dealer, addict or both. Of course he will lie. OP can you afford rehab? Look at how to access the 12 Step Program.

Are family members at hand for a serious intervention. You cannot do this on your own, but your serious engagement and intervention with whatever help or agencies you can reach out to could be the saving of him.

He has to leave your home
it’s that simple
you cannot save him or make him
make better choices but you can for your younger child

Why is he allowed to sleep until 3pm? He’s taking the complete mick out of you. He’s doing whatever he wants and leaving out drugs in a family with a younger child. He’s let you bail him out more than once. He has zero reason to stop unless you make him face the consequences. Nothing will change because it doesn’t have to right now.
I’d contact the SW to ask about supported housing.

If this is the boy with £10,000 he will be relieved of that quick smart when word reaches the wrong ears.

I think you need to take advice from the Youth Justice Service are managing his Youth Referral Order and make them aware of the true extent of the problem.

They will be able to make referrals for supported housing in the area if he meets the criteria, refer into drug treatment, push him toward the ADHD Service, work jointly with police, help him get back into work, and signpost you to sources of support. YJ Services are excellent resources but they need to know what’s going on and that his parental support is now fragile.

i hat to say it OP, but at the moment, providing a safety net for your son is enabling him to carry on like he is. He’s putting you all at risk and this situation is not sustainable. Professional help is out there and the YRO should be a pathway into this.

Why are you not going to do that? It seems most likely to work.,

I second you. My mother grew up in a single-parent family. Her mother had three children by three different fathers which in the 1950s was scandalous. They had to claim National Assistance (benefits) which was deeply shameful.

No one is more grounded, harder working, more disciplined and mentally stable than my mother. Poverty doesn’t mean you can’t be decent and hard working and make something of your life.

This is an excellent post.
In these situations often minimise how bad the situation is, and try and manage the issues themselves. He needs a multi agency coordinated plan to stop his behaviour escalating. You also need support.

I second this.
My experience:
My 18 year old son has ADHD and intermittent mental health issues. He didn’t finish high school due to 4 bereavements in a short space of time. One of them being a friend of his who took his own life at 14. My son fell apart at this stage.
I was passed from pillar to post trying to get him some help.
Drs, CAMHS etc all to no avail.
Last year he did an absolutely dickish thing and was arrested. No one was hurt, nothing was damaged. The only person put at risk was him.
He’s now on a suspended sentence. I can’t tell you how brilliant his probation officer was (he’s signed off with them now due to good progress). She put us in touch with therapists and work coaches.
They really do know what they’re doing. It won’t be anything they haven’t heard before. They will have options open to them that you will struggle to access yourself.
Good luck

Does he not have a father or other male relative with some clout?

Appreciate at 18 this is more difficult but doesn’t your son understand that it’s a privilege to live under your roof and if he continues his illegal activity he won’t be able to carry on living there?

I don’t understand how you can be so soft with him. I do understand that he won’t necessarily get up on time but surely if you go in and open the curtains and sprinkle some water on his face that will wake him? Or is he violent/off his face on drugs so it doesn’t work? What’s his plan if he’s 18? Where’s he getting money from? Doesn’t he get that dealing = prison = no job (and a very tough time for middle class types in there…)

My brother had a lot of mental health issues and got into all sorts of trouble. He was more into a drink than drugs and was a mixture of very vulnerable but sometimes violent. We loved him though and obviously didn't want him to be homeless and in a bad way. It is so difficult and I really sympathise. I wish I had some useful advice. Some of the charities are quite good.

Sounds like Ket, the next level of scumminess up from weed

You need to scrub down your kitchen - there will be residue from the drugs on your surfaces and you need to make sure that your younger child does not come into contact with it. I’m not sure of the age of your younger child but even small amounts can have a big effect on a little body.

This is what you are dealing with - regardless of it he is taking it or dealing it. He has brought a harmful substance into the house and just left it lying around. He will do it again! And you might not be the one to find it!

This is risking the life of your youngest - are you really going to put up with this?

You can't fix it yourself OP, and you need to get Police involved. Addiction/ADHD or not, he needs to face consequences of his actions, and better now than later when things get worse.

You and DH are likely codependant reading between your lines.

What do you mean by me and my DH being codependent?

I am seeking professional advice about what to do next - thanks for the recommendations here.

When was the last time your DH woke him up, and got him job searching/doing something productive?

Yes they will report him, as should you. Why would you expect a SW to collude with/hide law-breaking?
You have 'given him a chance' once before and he hasn't changed his behaviour at all. Now you need to do the right and responsible thing or your younger child will be getting involved in drugs before you know it.

This is very random but I’m currently in the middle of reading this book! It’s heartbreaking and I do agree that OP might benefit from reading it to see that helping and enabling your children with money, hiding drugs etc is not the answer in the long run.

I have been in your situation and it is hard. I am also working in the broader area.
yes he is your son and he is vulnerable which is exactly why he has been identified as useful for local drug selling.
Given that he is 18 you cannot restrict access to money he legally owns.
you haveyounger kids and you need to protect them. That would s your priority. And that means your older son needs to mine and he needs out of the house now.
you need to prioritise the protection of your younger kids.
Also you need to be proactive of dealing with you now obviously possessing the confiscated drugs…..as they are in your possession you are the one breaking the law with the impact this can have on your job etc.
contact your local youth diversion officer or whatever they are called at your local police now.

And yes, if there is dealing ongoing which sounds extremely likely there is risk to your home and family.
to access any help re supported housing you need to go through social workers, probation, police whatever.
And you will have a fight on your hands to get him services

You protect him from consequences of his behaviour and enable it to continue.

Bailing son out, repetitively. Giving him money when he told you he has debts, repetitively. Throwing drugs you found away rather than handing them in. He says he 'only' sells to others and you worrying about whether SW will report this.

Having been in a similar situation, I realised that I had to be honest with professionals and to myself. My son was 18 when his addiction escalated. Our home was no longer a sanctuary, but a war zone. My son had to feel the consequences of his poor choices. The biggest consequence for him, was having to move out & we had to involve the Police. He eventually ended up in supported housing, where there were strict boundaries I.e. they got woken up early, no drugs etc. He recovered there. Our family also started to recover, from the family disease of addiction.
If you are honest with social work, it will demonstrate that you are safeguarding and prioritizing your younger children's welfare. Social work do not swoop in and take children away from their families, they will offer you support.
I do hope that you are able to get help for all your family.
The 3 C's of addiction
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You cannot cure it

I really do think the best action you could take for your son is to make him leave home

Pack a rucksack with clothes, any medicines he takes, his BC and Passport and out he goes.

He can present himself to the Council as homeless, or sofa surf. His choices now.

Classic county lines. You need to
go to the police before he ends up in more trouble and very serious debt to bigger criminals than him.

Absolutely. 100% agreed. I don't think anyone on this thread has suggested otherwise.