AIBU to think my husband is too harsh about five-year-olds cartwheel?

[Fawncard]

Me and DH are married 7 years.
We have a 5 year old DD, DD and DH constantly clash. He thinks it's funny winding her up but she often gets upset about it and he sometimes wont stop until she is in tears. Like let me be clear its mostly just childish stuff like taking the cup he knows she likes things like that he will always give it back to her but he seems to enjoy seeing her get annoyed which is starting to become a red flag for me.
Anyway over the last 2 days DD has being trying to do a cartwheel.... she thinks she can do a cartwheel (she cannot do a cartwheel and does not want advice on how to do a cartwheel she wants to do it "herself") she has been practicing and practicing. When she asks me to watch her I will find something positive, "well done you are working really hard at that" "woah that one was much higher" etc etc. But DH just keeps going "that's not a cartwheel" and keeps giving her unwanted advice and putting on videos of kids doing actual cartwheels which is annoying and upsetting DD and today she again ended upnin tears and DH just seems so unapologetic about it.
He says he doesn't want her to be "delusional" but at her age I wanted to be a bloody unicorn 5 year olds are allowed to be delusional.
He thinks I'm being too soft I think he's being an arsehole. AIBU?

Yes blame the OP. Excellent.

OP, I think a lot of men are socially conditioned to behave this way. It takes all the joy out of encouragement and misses the opportunity to boost another's self esteem. It's not that they don't have the capacity to do better, they just bulldoze their miserable, critical crap through everything because they're full of themselves.
Wankers.

He’s ND - that’s no excuse, he needs to learn the right way to respond to his daughter before he ruins their relationship and her self confidence.

I feel like every other day on here there are posts about utterly unreasonable, pig ignorant, nasty, cruel, arrogant, emotionally abusive fathers and husbands whose excuse is that they're "ND". As far as I'm aware, being ND shouldn't be an excuse to be a complete arsehole.

and for an added bonus, call him by his dad's name as you do so, given your comment that he's following his example of shitty parenting.

He's really positive and encouraging about her artwork/reading most things really. He has some experience with gymnastics so I think he feels like everyone should heed his advice with no allowance for the fact that she's 5 and doesnt want advice from anyone.... they are actually very similar in a lot of ways. He's very good dad in a lot of ways but that doesn't excuse this behaviour.

My father used to wind me up this way, to the point where I would be in tears, then he would sulk because I'd 'hurt his feelings'.

We weren't close.

You need to put a stop to this NOW, OP, else it will come back and bite all of you.

Horrible cruel man.

This needs to stop right now, OP. I’d be stopping it one way or another. Personally I’d go in for relentless punishment of him at every opportunity because I believe in teaching people like this hard lessons. I’d tell him the next time he holds something out of her reach that she is allowed to have, something of his will be disappearing. The next time he is unpleasant about what she is trying to learn, you’ll make sure he is humiliated at the next family gathering.

You’ve tried to explain it to him - and he has ignored you. So give him both barrels.

Is he a good Dad if he's bullying her like this OP? I don't see it tbh. Are you sure he's not undermining and belittling her over her reading / artwork etc? Because this seems like pretty deliberate behaviour to me.

Good Dads build up their child's confidence. Love them unconditionally. Cherish them. That's not what he's doing.

He is destroying her self confidence and her sense of wonder
he is stopping her learning in her own way

He's a dick.

No she loves showing him her artwork or reading for him, she wants to show off to him all the time with those things because he is always so encouraging but when it comes to anything sporty she absolutely hates having him involved as he sucks any bit of fun out of it.

What a wonderful godmother! She was so lucky to have you, to do that with her. I guess he never did find that joy....

He's very good dad in a lot of ways

I can't see how you can possibly write this sentence and think it's true. Nothing about him sounds like he's a good dad or even a good role model.

Fathers are a blueprint for their daughters' future relationships. If she is forced to accept this bullying and belittling behaviour in childhood she will grow up associating that behaviour with love. He is leading her (as are you by not stopping him) to a future where she accepts this kind of behaviour from future partners, as she'll think that it's normal.

I was very damaged by similar parenting, OP.

She is trying to appease him and win his affection because he is so unpredictable with the way he responds to her. It's an anxiety response -fawning.

This is so horrible to read, your poor DD.
If he didn't change and stop, immediately, he'd be gone.
I couldn't watch my child be bullied by their own father.
What an absolute wanker

Him 'being sporty' doesn't explain why he thinks it's funny to hold a TV remote out of reach.
That's literally 'look at me I'm bigger than you and you cant do anything'

He's a bully.

Being ND can explain children bullying sometimes - in the sense that a ND might see/hear a joke or prank, try and recreate it but not realise they've crossed a line, eg know when to stop - because they're not picking up on the cues. BUT, and this is the important part, explain to a ND child why they crossed a line, and what the other person felt, and chances are they'll never do it again. Because most ND people know what it's like to feel bullied, and never want to do it to anyone else.
You've clearly explained to your DH what the issue is, and he doesn't give a shit. That's why he's a bully.

@Fawncard
Show your DH all our replies.
I don't think there's one reader who hasn't been outraged.
He's wrong, wrong, WRONG.

This OP

She probably doesn't want tobsho off to him, she is desperately trying to get his approval.

Because he is a bullying atsehole that would rather see his DD cry than say anything nice to her.

Holding the remote out of reach, taking her favourite cup. All things designed to deliberately upset her. Why would he want to do this to his child?

He's a bully.
If a child was doing this to your daughter at school you would complain.
He needs to be told he's a bully and if he won't change you need to leave to protect your daughter.

You are underplaying this and jumping to his defense now. That is cruel to your dd who needs you to stand up to him. He is a bully and you are complicit.

A 5 year old child and her dad don’t “clash”. Your husband is just a dick.

This. My father was and still is the same and it’s had a huge negative impact on my life.