AIBU to think my husband is too harsh about five-year-olds cartwheel?

[Fawncard]

Me and DH are married 7 years.
We have a 5 year old DD, DD and DH constantly clash. He thinks it's funny winding her up but she often gets upset about it and he sometimes wont stop until she is in tears. Like let me be clear its mostly just childish stuff like taking the cup he knows she likes things like that he will always give it back to her but he seems to enjoy seeing her get annoyed which is starting to become a red flag for me.
Anyway over the last 2 days DD has being trying to do a cartwheel.... she thinks she can do a cartwheel (she cannot do a cartwheel and does not want advice on how to do a cartwheel she wants to do it "herself") she has been practicing and practicing. When she asks me to watch her I will find something positive, "well done you are working really hard at that" "woah that one was much higher" etc etc. But DH just keeps going "that's not a cartwheel" and keeps giving her unwanted advice and putting on videos of kids doing actual cartwheels which is annoying and upsetting DD and today she again ended upnin tears and DH just seems so unapologetic about it.
He says he doesn't want her to be "delusional" but at her age I wanted to be a bloody unicorn 5 year olds are allowed to be delusional.
He thinks I'm being too soft I think he's being an arsehole. AIBU?

He sounds a right cunt, I’d do the exact same thing to him, constantly wind him up taking his things and telling him he’s crap at everything.
(then I’d leave the idiot)

You have to stand up for your child. Tell him if he upsets her again that you will be having a serious conversation. He is not a child, he shouldn’t be allowed to bully and annoy your daughter.

STAND UP FOR HER.

He needs to get to grips with that. A course of therapy needed.

She’s 5. She can’t escape. Your home is supposed to be a refuge from things that upset you. Her upset is in her home.

We once heard over the fence our neighbour's daughter, aged about 4, on her trampoline say "watch me daddy, I'm the best bouncer". Without a pause her father said "no you aren't".

My then 17 yo son was outraged and has continued to mutter about it some 16 years after the event. None of us could believe a father could be so nasty as to deflate his small child like that.

Sounds like they still walk among us.

Never mind the business about cartwheels. This is the thing you should be focusing on

We have a 5 year old DD, DD and DH constantly clash. He thinks it's funny winding her up but she often gets upset about it and he sometimes wont stop until she is in tears. Like let me be clear its mostly just childish stuff like taking the cup he knows she likes things like that he will always give it back to her but he seems to enjoy seeing her get annoyed

That's not fun and games and teasing. If it was, they would both be laughing and finding it funny and she'd be playing along. What you're describing is a grown man bullying a little girl until she cries while he laughs at her.

Your husband is a nasty cunt who gets a kick out of making a five-year-old child cry. Fucking horrible. Absolutely a nasty piece work. What kind of father thinks it's entertaining and funny to make his five-year-old upset and tearful?

Honestly, this actually made my blood run cold because it reminded me of a really unpleasant criminal case I was once exposed to through my work. There was more serious abuse too, obviously, but the parent in question had loads of videos on their phone of them doing exactly this kind of thing to their toddler. Taking things away from them until they cried, like a toy or a biscuit or their drink, while the parent laughed at them. Then they'd throw whatever it was back at them while the kid was upset.

That parent progressed to much worse sadistic behaviour, psychological and physical.

Tell him that - very clearly. ‘Your Dad was a total dickhead when he did this to you, and now you’re doing the same. Pack it in.’

He is a bully and you are presiding over it.

How the hell are you still married to this man?

Literally only yesterday I said it to him if he can't think of anything positive to say don't say anything at all and he took it so badly which is ironic because he gets annoyed at DD for not taking his "advice" in good spirit. He shut down the conversation but i thought he had listened however today she came to me upset today saying he put on videos trying to show her how to do a cartwheel and then held the remote out of reach when she tried to turn it off.
He's ND so I think he genuinely doesn't realise he's being a prick

I hate seeing children being deliberately wound up especially by their parents. What's so great about causing distress and resentment?

Treat him the same. Every time you see him interact with her
You need to make a 5 year old feel small
You're not capable of empathy are you?
You're not very good with children are you?
You didn't get enough hugs as a child did you?
You need to make a child feel bad so you feel powerful in comparison don't you?
You're not very bright are you? Here's I can show you some videos of people who are!

I mean, realistically I'm not suggesting you do that, but I bet he wouldn't want you to be 'factual' or 'just honest' with him. It's nothing to do with being honest, it's entirely his ego.

They don’t “clash”. She’s 5!!! He’s a bully.

@Fawncard ND is nothing to do with it. He knows the impact it's having, if he didn't see her react he wouldn't do it. He's doing it because he can sees it stresses her out and it makes him feel in control.

I think @Fawncard if he is ND, then you need to explain to him in words of one syllable why it is wrong to make a child cry... It reminds me of an old friend of my mother's, who once said to her, "I never feel I have won an argument until I have made Helene (her daughter) cry!" Changed my mother's view of her friend entirely.

I think fathers have a tendency to be over critical. If its low level its potentially helping build resilience but from what you've described its over the top. Also if he is like this with a 5 year old its quite worrying to think how he will be with a 13 year old especially if she hasn't been able to build high self-esteem in the first place. Does he praise her on somethings or is he just relentlessly negative?. If so you need to deal with it for the sake of your daughters future happiness and confidence.

Don't use the fact he's neurodiverse to excuse this behaviour. He knows damn well it's bullying and if he refuses to change his behaviour I would be suggesting you leave. Leaving her father will be much less damaging to your daughter than staying with someone who bullies her daily.

This is the sort of stuff my dad would do. He thinks he’s helping but he’s not all he’s doing is being an arsehole and that’s why at 30 I barely speak to my dad - he’s been with my mum 30 odd years and mum is the complete opposite! Tell him he’s being a bellend. 5 year olds are allowed to be 5 year olds.

That’s horrible behavior . I’m easy going but I’d be enraged by this.

Maybe, in addition to the great suggestions above, try calling him by his father’s name every time you’re there when he does it? ‘Hey, Fred, cut that out’

If an absolute dickhead grown man was bullying my five year old until she was crying
i would go flipping bananas
I would have zero tolerance for this. It is completely unacceptable. I think you are under-reacting OP.

Oh, you’re using the ND card to excuse his abusive behaviour towards his own child.

Sounds like you just wanted a moan, but are happy to allow your child to be emotionally abused by her own father and in her own home.

At least if you broke up the child would have respite from his abuse. At the moment she has no safe haven.

Very sad for your child.

You need to get your daughter away from this bullying arsehole before he destroys her self esteem completely. She is 5. A tiny child. Being ND does not excuse damaging your child. I can’t believe you haven’t been harsher with him about it. You need to show your daughter that she has someone on her side. And save up for therapy.

I really don’t like what I am reading and him being ND isn’t an excuse.

On the vague chance he isn’t just being a monumental arsehole put it very factually to him.
Something like:-
At 5 years old a child learns through experimentation and failure. As long as it is fun they will keep experimenting and failing until the day they stop failing and start succeeding. By taking the fun away you are interrupting the natural learning process and trying to impose an adult way of learning that a 5 year old doesn’t yet have the intellectual capacity to process. By encouraging their efforts you nurture the drive and perseverance that will be a key transferable skill when they get older.

If he still carries on after being told that then you have your answer.

He's ND

So what?