AIBU to feel unfairly ostracised after a joke at the sports club?

[Sasco86]

So a few weeks ago, there was what I perceived as a jokey conversation going on and another mum said her stepson was as gay as they come. I jokingly said that she wouldn’t be getting any grandchildren from him any time soon then. To me, i was just joining in on the jokey conversation and that’s all it was. I have now been ostracised and reported to the safeguarding lead officer at the sports club this happened at. People who were my friends have taken her side because she’s made it far more of a thing than it was and my children have even been told things that are far from true. I almost feel that this person is now trying to bully us out of the club. Adult bullying is by far the most horrible situation I’ve ever experienced.

I’d counter report that her publicly announcing a males (child’s?) sexuality to other adults is out of line.

Announcing the sexuality of a non blood related person too. It’s actually not her place to do that. I’m sure if he was heterosexual she wouldn’t have made the comment.

Yours was equally as dim in response but not safeguarding imo.

Completely ridiculous overreaction. If anyone should be offended, it should be the person whose sexuality she’s publicly discussing.
I’d call her out on it, you’ve nothing to lose.

Your comment was ill-advised but her own jocular remark was in a similar vein. She led the conversation in that direction and then used weaponised an official process against you.

It seems like a classic bait-and-switch to me…

Have you ever got the impression that they don’t really like you before? It feels like it’s escalated more than if they thought of you as someone they like. They might have just said something directly to you if you were a friend and you’d upset them.

I think what you said was perfectly fine. I also think the people on this thread who are so certain that what you said was wrong would be saying whatever the hell society tells them to; so if they lived in Russia during communism they would agree with that etc.
Anyway it is blindingly obvious that a gay man will not be able to have a baby without expensive medical interventions, pretending this isn’t true is just dishonest

it’s not homophobic. Without any intervention or effort it’s true. OP just made a joke back.

Having a child when both partners are the same sex is impossible in the sense that the two together cannot create a child. Of course there are other ways which require more effort and organisation. I think the comment was outdated but that’s all, it wasn’t discriminatory in my view and why safeguarding are involved is a mystery. It seems odd others have got involved and taken offence. Unless there are other things that were said it seems to me total overreaction which makes no sense and as if they like drama and want to create problems

Mumsnet is extremely anti surrogacy which I get. For gay people to have children, one of the main methods is surrogacy. OPs comment is not that wild and the reaction she’s had is disproportionate.

Is the SS late 20s/30s where a baby is a viable option through various methods? Or is he still a kid /teen? In which case the joke kind of works.
I have a few friends who have gay (teen)daughters and one of the running jokes is “at least she won’t come home pregnant “. That’s coming from the mothers themselves.

Well, if the stepson is a child/teen the “anytime soon” does apply doesn’t it? Because he can’t accidentally get someone pregnant if he’s “as gay as they come”.

That doesn’t mean that he can’t NEVER have children because he’s gay.

It must have hurt her in exactly where she hurts for her to react that way.. however safeguarding, telling everyone and bullying you out is insane. But how was you to know.
she should have said to at the time, that’s not funny and that it has hurt her deeply. However she didn’t and now the only thing you can do is initiate a repair strategy.
i would actually go and speak to her, face to face and explain, sorry you said that, it was thoughtless, you didn’t think it through but meant no harm and now realise it was out of turn to say that. It was an off the cuff remark that you didn’t know would hurt her and would like to apologise for any offence.
then see what happens

Really naff comment from you. I wouldn’t want to be around you either.

She mad a joke about her stepsons sexuality. Some would say that was an inappropriate comment!!

Maybe it's a generational thing. To me that would be a passing comment. Wouldn't really view it as homophobic even if I guess these days gay men seem to want kids. Never used to be the case.

To be fair, we only have OP's perception that it was a joke. (I can see a context in which saying someone is "as gay as they come" would just be a factual comment, ie. he's definitely not bi, or he's known he was gay all his life, or something).

How was what you said a joke?

What was the funny bit?

Not being deliberately obtuse, but was the joke that what you said is completely untrue or that actually gay people are known to have lots of kids and you were subverting expectations

to me it sounded like a weird and mean comment (and also a bit outdated) but that does not make it a joke

I think what the other mum - the step mum - said, was worse- 'my step son is as gay as they come'. Wth. That's offensive. Perhaps she was projecting her own guilt onto you, as you'd highlighted what she said so it wasn't forgotten iyswim. All of it unnecessary - but she's the SM for gods sake, She's the awful one. Poor SS.

She sounds like one who would go for the smelling salts given any opportunity

I hate people who weaponise safeguarding. I’d report her back for homophobic comments about her own son and see how she likes it.
but it was a stupid thing to say on your behalf

I wouldn’t apologise! The woman needs to consider what comes out of her own mouth! Talking about her step son in that way, how disrespectful towards him. She is othering him.

OP - how did she end up on the topic of discussing her step son’s sexuality in the first place?

I genuinely don't understand how that's so obviously offensive, unless you view being gay as something bad/offensive in itself?

I can absolutely see how it could be said offensively, depending on the tone and context, but the words itself are no different from saying someone is as northern as they come, or as athletic as they come, or whatever.

The world's gone fucking mad.

It's a bit of a crass thing to say but I can't see where the safeguarding issue. Seems like a major over reaction - the sort of thing that trivialises safeguarding when it is actually very important. Safeguarding is not there to protect adults from bad 'jokes'

It was a blunt thing to say, but she's overreacted. Sounds like you touched a nerve OP.

I think you hit a raw nerve with her. I would correct anyone that speaks about it and just face up to it directly. It won’t meet safeguarding thresholds, but it was a stupid comment.

edited to say I would speak with safeguarding directly and explain what the conversation was. This woman doesn’t coat herself in glory with her unpleasant chat about step son.