AIBU to feel unfairly ostracised after a joke at the sports club?

[Sasco86]

So a few weeks ago, there was what I perceived as a jokey conversation going on and another mum said her stepson was as gay as they come. I jokingly said that she wouldn’t be getting any grandchildren from him any time soon then. To me, i was just joining in on the jokey conversation and that’s all it was. I have now been ostracised and reported to the safeguarding lead officer at the sports club this happened at. People who were my friends have taken her side because she’s made it far more of a thing than it was and my children have even been told things that are far from true. I almost feel that this person is now trying to bully us out of the club. Adult bullying is by far the most horrible situation I’ve ever experienced.

She's being dramatic, but your comment was horrible and ignorant. Gay men can't have kids, you think?

Her original comment was out of order, yours was just continuing in the same vein. She sounds ridiculous to have taken offence.

Yes, it was insensitive. But also yes would she have used the words "as gay as they come" in front of the stepson? Probably not, so she was insensitive too. Also bringing up her stepsons sexuality for fun chit chat at the sports club, very insensitive.

What were your children told that wasn't true, because it sounds like if you've been reported to safeguarding and your friends have all turned their backs on you as well, plus the untruths your kids have heard, whatever she's told them sounds far more serious.

I'd be trying to find out exactly what she's been saying, the woman clearly doesn't like you and has ramped up on this to boot you out.

But the worry itself could be considered homophobic tbf. Nobody has the right to grandchildren and plenty of hetero couples struggle (are unable) to conceive.

Ultimately I think commenting on procreation is not okay. But I think that’s true regardless of sexuality of anyone. Going to HR over it would (imo) constitute an overreaction.

Odd that she feels free to joke about her stepsons sexuality but takes great offence when you reply in kind, you obviously meant no malice.
He may give her grandkids, who knows, maybe she has some sort of problem there...and you are baring the brunt of whatever is going on there..

It wasn't cruel, it was a throwaway remark with no nastiness intended.
Honestly, some people overreact over the most ridiculous things.

The fact other people have found it offensive and are avoiding you makes me think there is more to the story. Even if a friend made a bit of a foot in mouth remark, I wouldn’t avoid them. And realistically, it is probably going to take a gay man in a relationship longer to have kids than it would a man in a heterosexual relationship. I don’t actually see that as overly controversial to say, hence thinking that multiple people taking offence = the situation not being quite as described.

Agree. A touch tactless maybe, but not actually offensive. Or illegal or whatever the fuck the club members think.

It's not really bullying to be held responsible for something you did.

No you are not being remotely unreasonable. That woman is a complete weasel.

You'd have to be wound very tight to take offence at that comment.

Why was she discussing her step-son's sexuality to begin with?

Perfect example of anti-free speech and abusing political correctness. I am a firm supporter of gay people's obvious equality (representation on TV, no right to refuse service etc, right to adopt).. but do you know what? Learn to take a fucking joke! Will & Grace was so massive at such a difficult time for gay people, because every character, especially the gay characters, laughed at themselves. And they made audiences (often / originally homophobic) feel more comfortable around their characters (and real life gay people) because they didn't need to tiptoe around them for fear of offending them.

That's why the gay community and activists were so successful at reclaiming 'queer' (I still can't bring myself to say it though - it's generational). Because the older gay generation chose to integrate, get along and join in the banter (when appropriate).

Makes me so mad how easy it is today to block free speech and simple jokes. That's not supporting gay people, that's treating them like they are different and like they need mollycoddling. They don't.

Find a different sports club. These people are shits for dragging your children into the drama.

Blimey that was a daft thing to say. Would you have said the same thing if she said her stepdaughter had just come out as a lesbian, I highly doubt it so why did you feel the need to say it about her stepson. It’s only a joke if the person you’re saying it to finds it funny if you’re the only one who’s laughing it’s not a joke you’re just being mean.

So it's a joke as long as someone laughs? Weird way to judge if a joke is a joke. What if your audience has a crap sense of humour or is excessively political and refuses to see the humour in a joke depending on topic?

No, a joke is a joke if the person saying it meant it as a joke. And you judge that by having context e.g. testimony from people who know them as to what their personal values and beliefs are. If it really needs to go that far.

Trying to think of a conversation where her comment would be relevant. What were you talking about first her to mention him being gay?

Yeah, this exactly. Your riposte was a bit old-fashioned but not exactly unheard of. As she was so offended, one may assume that [a] she's uncomfortable about her stepson's sexuality, and [b] she really wants grandchildren.

Just to point out that "gay as they come" is also old-fashioned, carrying stereotypical overtones of effeminacy. (Mr Humphries of Are You Being Served? springs to mind - if he's free, of course.) Your comment was, in fact, perfectly in tune with hers!

It's stupid but it isn't a safeguarding issue. Provided you don't go around the workplace telling everyone you've got to go home and stroke your pussy, it was just a slightly awkward chat. Hold your head up.

If it was me, I probably would overreact by going all Mrs Slocombe, but that would definitely not be sensible! This woman seems very keen to take offence. Maybe clear your safeguarding review, then buy her some chocolates or flowers or something.

What am I reading? I think a lot of parents worry their children will have kids “sometime soon” so saying that could have been a “nothing to worry about for you just yet” kind of comment. What a load of drama over nothing.

It was insensitive and upset her because you hit a nerve. It wouldn't have bothered her so much if she thought you were talking nonsense. As much as some people on this thread want to bury their heads in the sand, it is much harder to have children if you are a gay man. If you are not rich then it is hard to find a surrogate and adoption from abroad is also very difficult. Both of those can also be quite quite controversial. Adoption in the this country generally involves adopting a very high needs child and that is not something everyone feels they can do. I don't really think you can pretend it was a joke because it isn't funny in any context. However, it isn't a safeguarding issue.

Surely the mum herself was also being homophobic

I was once asked what my reaction would be if I had just bought a house and arrived and found the previous owners had left all their rubbish and broken furniture behind

Apparently because I said I would be on the phone to the solicitor to either get the previous house owners to return immediately and remove their broken furniture and rubbish or charge them the fee for a company to come and remove it for them

Apparently that was bullying. The whole office said I bullied a woman I don’t think I had ever spoken to as she worked in another department. She was the previous house owner and was trying to garner sympathy and her flying monkeys were trying to organise a whip round to help her pay for the fee to clear and clean her previous house. I completely missed the big envelope one of them was holding

All it takes is one person to find offence and they can say and do anything and people will just lookout for their own interests.

I would be taking the route of, if you were homophobic saying what you did and are facing sanctions then this woman who was making fun of a gay man should have the same treatment, otherwise you are being discriminated against

But most dont. Some do. I have a potentially gay child and often joke no grandchildren for me on that side. I love that kid to bits, dont care a hoot about them wanting to be gay. The op comment is absolutely not homophobic - do you even understand what that means? Sounds to me as if you would take offence at anything. That's on you.

Most of the gay men i know ( not celebrities) dont have kids. Multiple long term male gay marriages. No kids. Quite normal. And OPs comment was neither horrible nor ignorant. I do suggest people on this thread go onto the feminist board and look at some of the threads about surrogacy. That seems to be the main route for wealthy gay men to import children into the UK, bypassing UK fertility and adoption rules that seem to only apply to heterosexual couples. Those loopholes need closing and fast.

I’m wondering if the recent court case involving Baby Preston had anything to do with the over reaction? Just where my brain suddenly went at 3am during night feeds.
could we have a bit more context please OP?

It depends on tone and context, surely.
Saying someone is "as gay as they come" could simply mean there's never been any doubt that he was gay, or that he's definitely gay rather than bi, or that he knew who he was from very young and never experimented with girls, or that he's very involved in the gay community, or any of a number of other perfectly innocuous things.
It definitely could be said in a sneery/negative way, but it's not inherently homophobic unless you view being gay as inherently negative.