AIBU to feel unfairly ostracised after a joke at the sports club?

[Sasco86]

So a few weeks ago, there was what I perceived as a jokey conversation going on and another mum said her stepson was as gay as they come. I jokingly said that she wouldn’t be getting any grandchildren from him any time soon then. To me, i was just joining in on the jokey conversation and that’s all it was. I have now been ostracised and reported to the safeguarding lead officer at the sports club this happened at. People who were my friends have taken her side because she’s made it far more of a thing than it was and my children have even been told things that are far from true. I almost feel that this person is now trying to bully us out of the club. Adult bullying is by far the most horrible situation I’ve ever experienced.

It’s not funny and it’s quite rude but I don’t see it as homophobic so don’t understand the big reaction. But if you want to continue to enjoy the club you would be best to apologise for offending her . Then carry on like it didn’t happen.

Your comment wasn’t a joke but the mum is making a mountain out of a molehill.

Bloody hell on this forum if someone can’t have children they get told to get over it if someone says something insensitive. Childless women often get told they don’t know what love is. They can’t complain about being tired as they don’t know what tired is. They are selfish as they never learned to put others ahead of themselves. But if a childless person complains about that they get told it’s true so it’s not horrible to say. But if someone might not have grandchildren even just mentioning it is cruel and kicking someone where it hurts!

Adoption in general has some ethical question marks over it;
Say, what?
Providing a stable and loving home for a child in care is, in general, unethical????

It does seem like an over reaction on the face of it. The only thing I can think is there’s something going on you don’t know about - eg does she have another child that is going through fertility struggles, or has just had a miscarriage? If so, the pain of that may be very raw and your comment just hit that open nerve unintentionally. Or if he’s a step son, does she have children of her own already? If not, maybe she has/had fertility issues

I am struggling to understand the safeguarding concern. Was there anything else said by either of you? Was your comment said in front of/within earshot of the children at the group? That’s still a stretch, but possibly enough for them to investigate!

Can you give an example of some of the lies that have been told to your children?

What age are the children?

Keeping minds shut is exactly what the problem is. You can’t dictate what people think, even if you really want to. Diversity of thought allows considered discussion of ideas and the ability to disagree with others without the need to call the police. Everyone has the right to offend others, this is what OP did. It wasn’t targeted or sustained harassment of the child themselves.

Have you tried just apologising…?

I agree. What does that even mean? It’s actually rather othering. I wonder if the woman actually has issues with her child being gay, some deeply buried homophobia and she’s lashed out at the OP.

Why was she telling you her stepsons personal life? I would struggle socially to respond to such a comment out of nowhere

You shouldn’t have said that. 100%

But she also shouldn’t have said what she said. I think she probably meant ‘camp’.

I think you need to apologise.

I feel very sorry for you, these days it wasn't the correct thing to say, but she started the conversation by saying "gay as they come"
I could have easily made the same mistake as you, people are so touchy. I'm sure you meant it in a jokey inoffensive way 🙂
I have voted in support of you

Making discriminatory jokes/comments about a protected characteristic is certainly a safeguarding issue. It creates a culture where people, especially minirity grouos do not feel respected and emotionally safe.

And her and the behaviour of others isn’t ok either. It does seem vindictive.

I don't think your comment sounds at all funny and it's just not a topic you would make jokes about, especially with someone you don't know.

Why is it controversial to say gay people can’t have kids? I mean they can, but not by standard human reproductive means unless they are “not gay” for ten minutes or have medical help or adopt. This making it much more complex. OP made a stupid joke and being ostracised by a club and by a woman who actually did make a homophobic statement seems absurd.

Fucking hell how do people get through life needing to be so constantly offended? It must be exhausting.

We’ve got to a point in life where nobody can say anything in case they “offend” someone.

She made a statement. I know gay people who would say the same. The OP responded in the same fashion and now suddenly it’s something for safeguarding. Get a bloody grip, seriously.

Interesting isn’t it that there are plenty of threads on here where posters openly say that they don’t believe that gay men should be allowed to have children.

Through surrogacy.

Through adoption, because of that one gay couple who adopted a baby and killed him, now they’re all a risk apparently.

And all of those threads have been left to stand because people are entitled to their opinions however bigoted.

And yet someone makes a jokey comment and suddenly everyone is offended? Come on!

Let’s not pretend that MN is tolerant towards gay couples having children, because it blatantly isn’t. So let’s not pretend that people genuinely believe the OP is a safeguarding risk.

I actually know gay men who don’t believe that gay couples should have children. Not because they believe that gay couples are an abuse risk, but because they believe that children need both a male and female role model. They’re not wrong actually. Biologically gay couples can’t have children. The only way a gay couple can have children is through artificial means, and maybe adoption. So it’s not wrong to state that grandchildren might not be on the cards. And it was a joke. There’s nothing to be devastated about not having grandchildren. It’s not like having fertility issues or anything.

It wasn’t so much a joke as it was a wildly ignorant thing to say, but we’ve all said dumb things before.

You both said things which were not appropriate

Maybe she reported you for being criminally unfunny?

Because ‘having children’ can be through adoption and surrogacy - for straight and gay couples - and to make an assumption like that is ‘othering’. Unless you have been in a position where you have a characteristic that has been viewed by society as ‘less than’ ‘worse than’ and dehumanised, you won’t know how these seemingly insignificant to you phrases can chip away at you and cause psychological harm. But we all have a duty to create a society where everyone feels like they belong.

Complete over reaction from the friend, a bit like some of he replies on this thread, the woman sounds a nightmare and childish, she could have pulled you up on the comment you made at the time, but instead made a mountain out of a mole hill.

My teenage son is gay and his brother jokes with him and vice versa about his receding hairline . Don’t beat yourself my son would have just laughed, world gone crazy !!

sounds like you were a bit out of touch
but really their reaction is extreme

She sounds a complete drama llama, and I can’t imagine why safeguarding have got involved.

It was a tactless comment, but nothing horrendous. I’d just let the ostracisers sulk and ignore them.