AIBU to feel unfairly ostracised after a joke at the sports club?

[Sasco86]

So a few weeks ago, there was what I perceived as a jokey conversation going on and another mum said her stepson was as gay as they come. I jokingly said that she wouldn’t be getting any grandchildren from him any time soon then. To me, i was just joining in on the jokey conversation and that’s all it was. I have now been ostracised and reported to the safeguarding lead officer at the sports club this happened at. People who were my friends have taken her side because she’s made it far more of a thing than it was and my children have even been told things that are far from true. I almost feel that this person is now trying to bully us out of the club. Adult bullying is by far the most horrible situation I’ve ever experienced.

I think what you said was just factual and a response to their comment.

'as gay as they come' sounds equally homophobic to me.

Sorry to hear this. Bullying is horrible. Mumsnet is rife with it though so might not be the best place right now. I hope you find a way to resolve it.

I think I might let them win and just leave in your position. The awful anxiety that bullying produces makes it just not worth fighting in my experience. Hopefully you'll find a better way if it's out there.

I’m fiercely anti-homophobic but I actually think what you said does have a context. I don’t know your age but I do think that younger people sometimes don’t realise how incredibly recent it is that gay people gained the rights to get married and have children. For many people, they’ve spent most of their lives seeing marriage and kids as a completely heterosexual thing. My mum said something similar once about gay people not having children and I had to remind her that things have changed. She’s really not a homophobic person at all.
I believe you about the bullying. If she found your comment upsetting you should be given the opportunity to explain / apologise and move on.

As a "joke", it wasn't particularly funny and a bit of a sticky wicket really.

The reaction of this woman and the sports club is way over the top though.

It was a slightly crass thing to say, but I certainly wouldn't be cutting you dead over it. We all say things we regret from time and time, and we've all in a position where we hoped others would extend us grace.

Sadly, people will clutch at any excuse to look down on, and gang up on, a fellow human being. Kindness and tolerance are not for everyone.

Did she think you were rubbing her face in it a bit?She might be ok with her ds being gay but not have come to terms with the likelihood of no grandkids. Sounds like this has been blown out of proportion.

Any way in which two gay men obtain a child has the potential to be ethically questionable - not because of their sexual orientation, but because it inevitably impacts on the rights of the child. Adoption in general has some ethical question marks over it; surrogacy even more so, as it comes uncomfortably close to human trafficking.

What a weird thing to say.

What an odd thing to say. It's no wonder you were reported.

Does the child's mother know her ex's new partner is speaking about her child in that manner in public? If not, she ought to.

I think you have been treated unfairly here OP.

was the phrase “as gay as they come” used and in a jocular way? If so, I think your response was in a similarly jocular way and she has hugely overreacted.
if she said “oh he is gay” and you pronounced she wouldn’t be having grandkids then I can see her point in being upset - but even then - still a massive overreaction

the world is permanently offended. It’s not good for conversation

I have gay friends who've made the exact same joke. Are we pretending it's as quick and easy for a gay couple to have a baby as a hetero couple now? "Anytime soon" doesn't mean he'll never have a baby, just that it will take a while if he does.

Sometimes when there's a jokey conversation going on people join in and say things they wouldn't ordinarily say in order to keep the banter going. You'd have to be pretty humourless and vindictive to pretend this was said with cruel intentions. Jokes often poke fun at the darker things in life in order to make them more bearable.

None of this should need to be said.

It was a stupid and outdated thing to say. I’m not sure why safeguarding needs to be involved but in fairness you did say something that was not only outdated but quite cruel. I’m not going to say you deserve this or whatever and she’s probably just feeling quite sensitive about this issue and you touched a nerve but you do need to think before you speak.

Saying something “odd” is a safeguarding issue ?

It’s a case of ‘alright for the parent to say’ but no one else. An ‘unspoken rule’ of parenthood.

A bit like when a parent says their child isn’t good at something (like at sports day a parent said one their child was ‘useless’ at sports) the correct response is ‘ah it’s about that taking part’ or ‘Fred’s great at cello though’ rather than ‘yeah he’s pretty shit isn’t he?’

Not quite the same, but just one of those ‘things.’

You were a bit silly to comment. She’s over-reacted in her response.

Are you sure-really sure- that’s all that was said? Because everyone universally ostracising you because of this sounds a bit odd…..

Thi thing you don't seem to understand is that it is ok for a parent to say things about their own children, but completely different for an outsider to say them!

She set the tone by jokingly remarking her stepson was, "gay as they come". What you said was clumsy but I don't think it deserves the reaction you have experienced.

This woman doesn't like you and has capitalised on this by complaining about what you said. I wouldn't be surprised if she has embellished it by saying that you are homophobic.

I would probably consider leaving. The situation has been blown out of proportion and it will be hard for you to explain it from your viewpoint.

Do you have any gay friends, OP?

I wouldn’t even make that joke to my own friends let alone a stranger. You have no idea what’s going on in people’s lives so it was a thoughtless joke.

Two things don’t make a right though, so I would report her or anyone else for any bullying behaviour.

A silly comment. An over reaction following her own silly comment.

You lost a great opportunity to keep your mind shut ! Plus I work with 2 gay couples one has 2 kids and the other has 4 . Your ignorance and bigoted view got you in trouble and if you don’t think what you said is unacceptable then reporting g you was right !

what I perceived as a jokey conversation

It appears that you perceived wrong.

I assume that you have apologised and explained why you made that comment?

Many gay people describe themselves as being ‘as gay as they come’, that isn’t an invitation to joke about a protected characteristic.

What are the people who were there saying?

What happened in the immediate aftermath of your comment?

Complete drama llama, I’d barely register that tbh I’d be a bit weirded about by someone banging on about how super gay their step kid is tbh

OP was just responding in the same vein tbh, it’s not like gay men have accidental pregnancies, clearly gay people are less likely to have kids, they really have to go out of their way to have them. If DD was gay and someone said “no grandkids for you then” I would hardly be going home and sobbing myself to sleep. Complete overreaction imo.

The problem with this is that there is genuine homophobia which is repulsive and theres this which may have been a little bit thoughtless but clearly not motivated by malice.