AIBU to feel unfairly ostracised after a joke at the sports club?

[Sasco86]

So a few weeks ago, there was what I perceived as a jokey conversation going on and another mum said her stepson was as gay as they come. I jokingly said that she wouldn’t be getting any grandchildren from him any time soon then. To me, i was just joining in on the jokey conversation and that’s all it was. I have now been ostracised and reported to the safeguarding lead officer at the sports club this happened at. People who were my friends have taken her side because she’s made it far more of a thing than it was and my children have even been told things that are far from true. I almost feel that this person is now trying to bully us out of the club. Adult bullying is by far the most horrible situation I’ve ever experienced.

It was her stepson though, so really not that big of a deal.

@Sasco86

Id put in a counter adult safeguarding complaint for bullying if you feel this is what’s happening. From experience these types really don’t like it when you use thier weapons against them.

I would also embellish that it was entrapment. I know you won’t become your to nice . Hope it all works out for you

Would you say someone was as black as they come, as disabled as they come, or as Jewish as they come? Or can you recognise those are offensive statements that play on stereotypes and are othering? If that is the phrase the SM used about her SS then I think that is far more problematic than what @Sasco86 claims to have said.

Of course, for such a strong reaction from everyone she knows then one of two things has happened a) @Sasco86 has downplayed what she has said and reworded what the SM has said to garner sympathy on MN or b) the SM has lied about the situation the other way round when reporting the OP. We will never know which it is.

I cannot help but notice you demand maximum charitabilaty for interpretation of your own joke which may well be viewed as bullying from some quarters itself, yet you are claiming full interior understanding of the motivations of others to believe bullying when it could just as easily be a defensive measure in the face of your perceived meanness.

Your position would land more sympathetically to me if I had read a strong sense of mortification at having caused the offence to begin with and a strong attempt to make repair for it, but you seem to be more concerned how it affects you. Which reads as more self interested than contrite.

Why? Are you one of these perpetually offended?

And we wonder why so many people feel such social anxiety that they are on benefits because they can't face going to work.

I mean, it's probably not the phrasing I'd naturally use, but no, if talking about someone who is involved and proud in their Black or Jewish identity, I don't see the problem in saying describing it in those terms. ("Disabled" is such a broad term that saying "as disabled as they come" doesn't seem to make sense... but "as neurodivergent as they come", for example, would.)

Again, I can totally understand how if said in a negative tone or in the context of a conversation that contained those offensive stereotypes, it COULD be an offensive or othering statement. But absent those things, this idea that it is inherently offensive seems to have some underlying assumption that being gay, or Black, or Jewish, is something to feel shame over.

I agree that we'll probably never get the full context, however.

Oh Christ the step mums comment was way worse. I can’t believe people think what she said was offensive. I feel v sorry for you op we live in such a bonkers world where people go out of their way to be offended but I’d apologise and be done with it for the sake of the club

People say this to me all the time (my dd is gay) and tbh It doesn’t register enough for me to be offended (maybe because I also know that she doesn’t want children).

The comment was ill judged but she’s gone OTT.

She started with an inappropriate comment, you chimed in with an equally/ even more inappropriate comment; she's massively overreacted and friends are taking sides...
Shut the whole club down 🤦🏾‍♀️.

FGS, report her for homophobia for saying 'as gay as they come'

While your comment was tactless and not funny at all, the drama that has been created around it among adults is absolutely pathetic. Sometimes we all say things that don't come out well, that land badly etc. It would be nice if people had the good grace to allow you to apologise and then all move on - you did apologise? As for it being a safeguarding concern, words fail me. One thing is for sure, if this blows over have nothing to do with these assholes again!

How is her son being gay a jokey conversation. What you said was inappropriate

Even if the stepson did have kids they wouldn't be her grandkids anyway

It was her saying about the son being gay not the OP

Absolutely ridiculous reaction from the others. Performative faux outrage is used by people to exert control. Quite frankly it’s pathetic but many appear to subscribe to it as this thread shows.

This is what happens when the highly insensitive meets the overlly sensitive I'm afraid.
You need to think before you speak and to find an environment that's a better fit for you. The fact they've all jumped on this so heavily without giving you one free pass suggests they probably didnt think you fit in well anyway.

Me too im so confused. It was a bit of a mean thing to say from OP but definitely seems an overreaction

I'm not lying about thinking it's shitty to comment on a couple's inability to have kids naturally and how that means they won't have kids any time soon. Nothing 'faux" about that, no matter how much orher posters wish it was.

As I said, taking it to safeguarding doesn't make sense to me. If something seems an overreaction there might be more to it than what's described in a few lines in a MN post

It’s a dumb thing to say. I would avoid you.

Her comment was the homophobic one. Exactly what is "as gay as they come". Your comment was just the reality.

If the SGL doesn't find in your favour I'd be hugely surprised and consider reporting to the governing body of the sport(s) involved as the sports club are preventing your active participation.

Good example
"As neurodivegent as they come" would be highly offensive.
Ditto "as gay ..."

I also don’t understand op. It’s fine for her to say her son is gay, but why on earth does that mean he won’t have kids?

It was a crass and thoughtless thing to say. And quite hurtful. But they are making a huge fuss. But the other woman doesnt come across well saying gay as they come. Awful.

What? Plenty of gay men have kids, how on earth is Is it the reality and how on earth is her comment homophobic,