AIBU to refuse to attend my nephew's birthday when my sister excluded my partner, then expected me to apologise?

[lavendersweetly]

Some details changed privacy reasons

I just need some perspective here please.

So, a few months ago, my sister texted me and told me that she was holding a 1st birthday party in May for my nephew, Reeson, and that she would love for me to be there, but that my partner and our stepdad weren't invited. For context, our stepdad has been in our lives for 15 years...
She said that she decided to make it a joint function with Reeson's nan (my brother-in-law's mother) at the last minute, and that there was "no room" for too many other guests. Mind you, she and BIL invited SEVERAL of their friends, but the only people on her side of the family that were invited to Reeson's birthday party was my parents and I.
I am not familiar with R's grandmother at all, and we have only ever made polite small talk if we've ever been at a function together. My BIL in law and I also do not have the greatest relationship, though I believed it was starting to improve until this happened.
Now, it also happened to be my anniversary with my DP in May anyway, so we had made plans well in advance of the invite. I politely and respectfully advised her that, whilst we had already made plans for our anniversary, I wouldn't feel comfortable attending the function without my partner in any case, but that I was grateful for the invite, and that I hoped they had a lovely day.
He is my life partner and as much a part of Reeson's life as I am, whether she sees it that way or not, so I would assume that she would have understood my position, however, clearly she didn't because she simply responded "Lol". I replied and asked her to clarify what she meant, but she did not.

As a result, we then didn't talk for several weeks. To be clear, she did not make any effort to contact me, to ask how my family and I are getting on, nothing whatsoever, just radio silence.
A mutual friend then intervened, and told us both that we were being childish, and that we just needed to talk and clear the air of any misunderstanding. I took the feedback on the chin and subsequently texted my sister on 3 separate occasions and I told her that I loved her and Reeson. I invited her round for a cuppa and a chat and to see if we could sort it out, but I did not receive any kind of reply for several weeks.
She then contacted me out of the blue in August and said that she believes we could rectify the situation, but that she was hoping I "had something to say". In retrospect, it's easy to see now that she was waiting for me to profusely apologise for refusing to attend without DP...
I replied and told her that I didn't have much to say as I had already had time to process the event and move on from it, but that I do believe our wires had been crossed and that there was a communication breakdown. Again, I invited her and Reeson to my home for a chat because I was off work, but it seemed that my response was still not satisfactory enough, because she simply responded that she wasn't prepared to move past the issue, and that was that.
I have since texted my brother-in-law to ask how they're all getting on. He received the message but did not respond.
My sister and I have not talked since.

I'm really hurt that she has made no effort to contact me whatsoever. She hasn't once asked about how myself and my family are getting on because she clearly doesn't care, and I'm not sure if I do anymore.
The irony of it all is that she hasn't asked me ONCE how my son is doing either 😂

So much drama. A first birthday party is not that important. You can go to events without your partner and you say you don't know the baby's grandmother but that you have chatted at events, That's how it works. Also the baby's name is quite unusual. You should ask to have it removed,

Reason????? Poor kid, though I guess it’s made up

Maybe Reeson can be the reason for you all to make up again rather than everyone being unreasonable, or should I say unreesonable?

A baby’s first birthday party is presumably an informal get together with a bit of cake and tea. It’s not as though it’s a big family wedding! If it were me I’d have just popped in for an hour and dropped off a present. Not sure why it then needed to escalate into WW3.

You should have just told her you couldn’t make it because of your anniversary plans, but you issued judgement on her, rightly or wrongly. She’s taken umbrage at this so you are where you are. Is she younger than you?

Jesus, you are both behaving like children. Since I feel like joining in, you started it. There was no need to explain you wouldn't attend anything your partner wasn't invited to (it's a 1yr old's birthday party. Other than the child's parents, who cares who else goes? I have no idea why so many people seem to be unable to attend minor events without their parter and see it as a slight when people want to engage with just them on one occasion). You simply needed to say something along the lines of, 'really sorry sis, I would have loved to be there, but it's out anniversary and we booked dinner months ago.'

Instead of just declining the invitation politely, you decided to make a point, that she was in the wrong for not inviting your partner and you wouldn't deign to attend anything without him.

She was OTT in taking offence instead of just laughing at you and brushing it off.

You insist you've done nothing wrong and refuse to apologise, despite insisting to other posters that you would if given the chance. You've been given the chance and said you had nothing to say.

You can be 'right', or you can have a relationship with your sister. It's your choice.

OP, you’re extremely argumentative and determined that being ‘right’ is the most important thing here. It really isn’t!

I’m guessing that when younger, you were always falling out with your sister over petty grievances and neither of you has actually managed to grown up.

I feel very sorry for your mum in all this as she’s had to referee between you both for years and she’s probably exhausted by it.

Your mutual friend has already told you that you’re both being childish but even knowing that another adult thinks this of you hasn’t affected your behaviour in the slightest. Inviting your sister round to yours is not a neutral act of contrition as you well know!

If you want to prove you’ve grown up, go round to your sister’s house with a gift for the baby and tell her that you want to make amends and put all this silly nonsense behind you.

Determine that in future, if she goads you, you will ignore and rise above it and respond on every occasion in an adult fashion.

Or choose to act like a kid forever. The choice is yours.

😂

Can't get past the fact that out of all the pseudonyms in all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, this OP went with Reeson.

Anyway, if I wasn't tended to go because the party clashed with another event I had planned, that's what I'd say. No need to offer up the additional explanatory "I wouldn't go anyway because I'm joined at the hip with my partner and he's not invited". Unless you're looking to pick an argument.

So both parties are BU. .

And the sister wants to keep it going so looks like them's the breaks.

What the fuck name is Reeson??

🤣
kept thinking how hard it must have been to keep writing “Reeson” and fighting auto correct. 🤣
I agree. Both unreasonable. Too much time on their hands.

🤣
lmao
this thread is surprisingly delightful 🤣

I think the whole thing about it being a one years old party is irrelevant, it's just the fact that she excluded your partner on what is a family day.

How long have you been with your partner? I think that's a key fact and apologies if you've already stated this. To be fair, if my sister had a family event and excluded my DH (not that I have one anymore) I would be a bit miffed too as it send a clear message that they are not considered as family.

However, you have tried to sort it out, she's not engaging so just leave her to her sulking. She's being ridiculous, but you've not mentioned what your day to day relationship with her is like, is she usually a drama queen. Just let her get on with it OP.

I hope Reeson is getting some chocolate chews for his birthday.

You weren’t going anyway so having a dig about your partner not being invited was totally unnecessary and passive aggressive

Reesons to be cheerful.

You do know its OK to decline invites and that's perfectly normal don't you?

Brilliant.

@lavendersweetly I can't get past the random choice of Reeson as a pseudonym. Makes me wonder what his actual name is!

As for the rest of it, sounds like everyone needs to just calm down a bit.

I got as far as 'Reeson' and gave up. For thst alone, your sister is being very unreasonable.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent and their Reese’s Pieces.

He is my life partner??? Im guessing you havnt been together long, you refused to go because you said he is more important than your nephew, its your anniversary why youve mentioned that i dont know, you dont like BIL, maybe your sister doesnt like your boyfriend aka latest boyfriend, i think this is more about you being annoyed that your boyfriend hasnt been accepted and your sister being fed up that the latest boyfriend should be included into the family , i also think your latest life partner doesnt care and probably doesnt want to go anyway, why are you not married why are you telling everyone hes your life partner

Doesnt matter how long theyve been together tho i feel not long hes her life partner and they will be together 4 eveerrr so therefor he should have been invited, because when you have a life partner you do everything together, when does a boyfriend become a life partner one wonders

I'm getting the vibe that there is an ongoing power struggle between the two of you. The exclusionary invite, the passive aggressive "lol" to your reply - but then coupled with your "I took the high road and invited her round", suggests a tension/a power struggle from both sides. Perhaps just take a step back, stop trying to make the dynamic work they way you want it to (she clearly isn't interested in engaging), and accept low contact might be the best way forward.

You both need to grow up, for so many Reesons.

But there was no need to tell her that if you weren’t attending anyway !! You could have just explained that you had made other plans for your anniversary and that you hoped they had a lovely day.