AIBU to refuse to attend my nephew's birthday when my sister excluded my partner, then expected me to apologise?

[lavendersweetly]

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I just need some perspective here please.

So, a few months ago, my sister texted me and told me that she was holding a 1st birthday party in May for my nephew, Reeson, and that she would love for me to be there, but that my partner and our stepdad weren't invited. For context, our stepdad has been in our lives for 15 years...
She said that she decided to make it a joint function with Reeson's nan (my brother-in-law's mother) at the last minute, and that there was "no room" for too many other guests. Mind you, she and BIL invited SEVERAL of their friends, but the only people on her side of the family that were invited to Reeson's birthday party was my parents and I.
I am not familiar with R's grandmother at all, and we have only ever made polite small talk if we've ever been at a function together. My BIL in law and I also do not have the greatest relationship, though I believed it was starting to improve until this happened.
Now, it also happened to be my anniversary with my DP in May anyway, so we had made plans well in advance of the invite. I politely and respectfully advised her that, whilst we had already made plans for our anniversary, I wouldn't feel comfortable attending the function without my partner in any case, but that I was grateful for the invite, and that I hoped they had a lovely day.
He is my life partner and as much a part of Reeson's life as I am, whether she sees it that way or not, so I would assume that she would have understood my position, however, clearly she didn't because she simply responded "Lol". I replied and asked her to clarify what she meant, but she did not.

As a result, we then didn't talk for several weeks. To be clear, she did not make any effort to contact me, to ask how my family and I are getting on, nothing whatsoever, just radio silence.
A mutual friend then intervened, and told us both that we were being childish, and that we just needed to talk and clear the air of any misunderstanding. I took the feedback on the chin and subsequently texted my sister on 3 separate occasions and I told her that I loved her and Reeson. I invited her round for a cuppa and a chat and to see if we could sort it out, but I did not receive any kind of reply for several weeks.
She then contacted me out of the blue in August and said that she believes we could rectify the situation, but that she was hoping I "had something to say". In retrospect, it's easy to see now that she was waiting for me to profusely apologise for refusing to attend without DP...
I replied and told her that I didn't have much to say as I had already had time to process the event and move on from it, but that I do believe our wires had been crossed and that there was a communication breakdown. Again, I invited her and Reeson to my home for a chat because I was off work, but it seemed that my response was still not satisfactory enough, because she simply responded that she wasn't prepared to move past the issue, and that was that.
I have since texted my brother-in-law to ask how they're all getting on. He received the message but did not respond.
My sister and I have not talked since.

I'm really hurt that she has made no effort to contact me whatsoever. She hasn't once asked about how myself and my family are getting on because she clearly doesn't care, and I'm not sure if I do anymore.
The irony of it all is that she hasn't asked me ONCE how my son is doing either 😂

I would've simply told her I'd drop by for a visit and give presents a different day as I already had plans on party day. It seems you were itching for a fight. Your sister is making do with the space she has.
I fucking hate planning my kids birthdays for this reason. Every relative thinks they are a VIP and I just don't have the time and space for everyone! For YEARS I did family only parties because there was no space for the kids friends. So my kid has to sit around with the adults so the adults are happy and feel included. And then every adult needs a chat with you to feel special and included so there is little time to spend actually enjoying the birthday child! Rant over.

God I hope Reeson is a fake name 😅

Maybe the father is called Ree, and so he is ‘Ree’s son’? 😁

Madness. A first birthday isn’t that big a deal for relatives such as aunts or cousins, unless she’s godmother, in my book.
I’d see the event as parents, grandparents if nearby, and godparents. (I concede I’m probably out of date)
But what a song and dance, when none of it was necessary had the prior engagement been the sole response.

However. Umbrage would be taken by moi if a third party, not even related, put their oar in and gave out to me about my dealings with my sister. Over such a trivial matter, anyway.
You’d think, given all the drama, that a very delicate, potentially painful subject was being thrashed out, causing fires left and right and bound to echo down future generations!

You both sound totally batshit. It's a party for a 1 year old.

Your sister is very unreasonable to call a child Reeson. 😂

This post was too long but why was it a problem that your partner wasn’t invited? My husband wouldn’t have wanted to go to a one year old’s birthday party, did your partner really care?

My tip to you - don’t create issues where there are none. You don’t control what someone else does (ie who they invite to their party), you control what you do. Don’t make your nephew suffer for something you don’t like that your sister did. Petty tit for tat is not the way to keep strong family relationships.

🤣 yes this.

Oh for heaven’s sake , it’s a 1 year old’s birthday party! So much fuss , we just ha a couple of friends from our anti- natal group at home and a bit of cake. Ridiculous drama.

Think you and your mom are crazy tbh.

You think your sister is being a cow for inviting friends over your long term partner. She thinks you’re a bitch for not turning up to the party. Neither of you wants to apologise.

Does it even matter given your feelings are mutual ? Just jolly on ignoring each other and being “right”.

Odd how you've inferred from my post that neither of us want to apologise or make amends when I specified I've tried to reach out to her and my BIL several times to no avail 🤔They've ignored ME, not the other way round?

If you were busy anyway, why say you "didn't feel comfortable" attending without your partner? Which is bonkers btw. I may not have replied with LOL as I don't say that, but I certainly would have been rolling my eyes very hard had I had a text like that. You were making a point, and are now pissed off that she got it but disagreed.

A huge fuss over nothing but you've now named the kid all over then internet, so that'll go well when it pops up on Facebook "threads you might want to read" and it's the weird kids name that catches her eye....

You said in your OP you won’t apologise so the poster hasn’t ‘inferred’ that.

Reeson is a bonkers name

Am I right in thinking that you already had plans that meant you couldn't attend, but instead of just saying that, you also added that, even if you hadn't had plans, you still wouldn't have gone because your partner wasn't invited?

@ToKittyornottoKitty

Where does it say I won't apologise? It doesn't state that all. Tell me the exact wording😂
Although for what it's worth, I don't feel that I need to apologise, yes. But I haven't been given the chance to have an adult conversation with my sister so even if I did want to, I'm not being given the opportunity

But, OP, neither of you do want to apologise. It’s fine for her to invite you to a birthday party for her child without your partner, and it’s fine for you to refuse such an invitation. I’m not quite sure why the pair of you have blown this up out of all proportion. It’s a party for a one year old, not a family wedding!

Not what you asked but Reeson is a terrible name. Your sis has poor judgment all round.

Read your OP back? She got in contact saying you could rectify if you had something to say, you think that means apologising so you said you had nothing to say…

Well not having much to say at that point in time doesn't mean that "I absolutely refuse to apologise" at all does it? I've said I thought there had definitely been a communication breakdown and invited her round mine, after already contacting her three times to try to resolve things, yet she has continued to ignore my communication. How can I apologise or clear things up with someone if they won't let me?! Quite confused by the angles people are taking here 😂

You told her you had nothing to say as you’d moved past it… I’m not taking an ‘angle’, I’m literally repeating your words back to you. And you’ve since confirmed by saying you don’t feel you need to apologise.

why did you even mention the fact you wouldn't go without him, when you couldn't go with him anyway?

The whole thing is ridiculous.
Would your partner even have wanted to to go to a baby's first birthday party? It's the sort of thing that that an aunt might do out of duty, but these things are normally pretty dull events.
You said "I politely and respectfully advised her ". I hope that is not what you did, or how you spoke to your sister. If my sibling tried to "advise" me of their reason for turning down an invite, I would take it as them being very stroppy indeed.
You only needed to say that you wouldn't be able to be there as you had already made plans to be away that weekend, but hope they have a lovely time.
I think you should ask MN to delete the tread as given the unusual name of the baby, this is quite identifying.