AIBU to refuse to attend my nephew's birthday when my sister excluded my partner, then expected me to apologise?

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I just need some perspective here please.

So, a few months ago, my sister texted me and told me that she was holding a 1st birthday party in May for my nephew, Reeson, and that she would love for me to be there, but that my partner and our stepdad weren't invited. For context, our stepdad has been in our lives for 15 years...
She said that she decided to make it a joint function with Reeson's nan (my brother-in-law's mother) at the last minute, and that there was "no room" for too many other guests. Mind you, she and BIL invited SEVERAL of their friends, but the only people on her side of the family that were invited to Reeson's birthday party was my parents and I.
I am not familiar with R's grandmother at all, and we have only ever made polite small talk if we've ever been at a function together. My BIL in law and I also do not have the greatest relationship, though I believed it was starting to improve until this happened.
Now, it also happened to be my anniversary with my DP in May anyway, so we had made plans well in advance of the invite. I politely and respectfully advised her that, whilst we had already made plans for our anniversary, I wouldn't feel comfortable attending the function without my partner in any case, but that I was grateful for the invite, and that I hoped they had a lovely day.
He is my life partner and as much a part of Reeson's life as I am, whether she sees it that way or not, so I would assume that she would have understood my position, however, clearly she didn't because she simply responded "Lol". I replied and asked her to clarify what she meant, but she did not.

As a result, we then didn't talk for several weeks. To be clear, she did not make any effort to contact me, to ask how my family and I are getting on, nothing whatsoever, just radio silence.
A mutual friend then intervened, and told us both that we were being childish, and that we just needed to talk and clear the air of any misunderstanding. I took the feedback on the chin and subsequently texted my sister on 3 separate occasions and I told her that I loved her and Reeson. I invited her round for a cuppa and a chat and to see if we could sort it out, but I did not receive any kind of reply for several weeks.
She then contacted me out of the blue in August and said that she believes we could rectify the situation, but that she was hoping I "had something to say". In retrospect, it's easy to see now that she was waiting for me to profusely apologise for refusing to attend without DP...
I replied and told her that I didn't have much to say as I had already had time to process the event and move on from it, but that I do believe our wires had been crossed and that there was a communication breakdown. Again, I invited her and Reeson to my home for a chat because I was off work, but it seemed that my response was still not satisfactory enough, because she simply responded that she wasn't prepared to move past the issue, and that was that.
I have since texted my brother-in-law to ask how they're all getting on. He received the message but did not respond.
My sister and I have not talked since.

I'm really hurt that she has made no effort to contact me whatsoever. She hasn't once asked about how myself and my family are getting on because she clearly doesn't care, and I'm not sure if I do anymore.
The irony of it all is that she hasn't asked me ONCE how my son is doing either 😂

I can absolutely see why you are in this position! You have clearly declined to apologise, despite knowing that is what your sister wants - not saying you should apologise, but you are being disagreeable and pedantic on here, and likely IRL too.

The whole thing is ridiculous and you both sound completely unreasonable!

Chapeau

Just say sorry for hurting her feelings and move on. Very sad to let this ruin a close family relationship

If you were going Away for your anniversary there was absolutely no need to add the bit about not being comfortable attending a one year old’s birthday party without your parter but you wanted to make your point for some reason and it might be because you felt it was a deliberate snub. You could have e chosen to be the bigger person.

my advice is to do what you need to do to maintain a relationship. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

It is virtually the same thing in my book.

I would imagine to feel good about getting a dig in - bit of dopamine.

its all a bit eastenders in my opinion.

I completely agree, there was no reason for her to even mention the partner when she couldn’t go anyway.

The fact that she said this and hasn’t answered posters questions about it, shows there’s a big back story that would paint her in a bad light.

It is, you're correct.
The OPs attitude probably is a reason why her sister can't be bothered making an effort.

Your sister sounds awful. I would leave it now, she knows where you are.

Your sister is a professional victim. We have one in our family and it will always be the same. To not invite your partner or your/her step dad to a 1st birthday party is pathetic. Just ignore her. I wouldn’t bother making any further effort with her. I’m sure she’ll come crawling back around Christmas when she wants some gifts for her kid! That’s normally how it goes.

YABU
She is BU
All sounds very dramatic and unnecessary. You and DP should feel able to attend family celebrations on your own though this event sounds a bit mad!
Your friend is right in that you’re both behaving like children.
There’s nothing for you to process really. She wanted a big old party and was selecting who she wanted there. Let her. Do your thing.

I politely and respectfully advised her that, whilst we had already made plans for our anniversary, I wouldn't feel comfortable attending the function without my partner in any case, but that I was grateful for the invite, and that I hoped they had a lovely day

Why did you feel the need to say you wouldn't feel comfortable without him? You couldn't go anyway so you could have saved yourself a whole load of hassle by just saying you already had plans, sorry. And then dealt with it if your partner wasn't invited to a future event.

How long have you been with this partner?

I don't think I can follow the title of the post without another cup of coffee.

It seems an awful lot of shenanigans for a one year olds birthday who wont remember it and will probably be crying and confused at all these people he doesnt know.
You are being unReesonable IMHO 🤣

How long have you been with your partner??? Was it a “first” anniversary by any chance?? And why oh why pick the name Reeson as a nom de plume, or is it to indicate there’s a level of Jeremy Kyle going on here (is his real name Mayson-Blu?!)

Also as a PP says, was your son (Reeson’s cousin) invited? Taking a wild guess he isn’t your DP’s child…?!

I think it would’ve been easier to just say sorry can’t make it etc
I think the bit about saying you’d be uncomfortable without your DP going also was to make the point that you’re not happy he hasn’t been invited which is fair enough, but it’s not something that was likely to be resolved through a text. And I think asking why he’s not been invited rather than saying you would not be comfortable going without him etc would’ve been clearer.
Her position seems an odd one. Is she massively overly protective and not wanting any males not related by blood there or something?
And now she’s not up for any kind of communication. I’d just leave it to be honest. I don’t think you’ve anything to apologise for.

Wtf Reeson?? Is there something ive missed her, like has there been beef between your partner and sister or with another family member? Why doesn't she want him there?? And, did he actually really want to go anyway??

My cousin spent her first birthday party getting all the pans out of the cupboard- her favourite ever thing. The rest of the family and friends crammed into two rooms and had a slice of cake.
I cant see how not being with your partner would make you uncomfortable around your own family

Because it was a joint party with another relative and there was limited space….

Why not? It’s your family throwing a birthday party - why is that not something you can attend alone?

You created drama. You could have easily decline saying you were doing planned anniversary stuff. You chose to add the dig in about your partner.

Definitely her being unreasonable.
You were supposed to be anniversarying. To then undo that arrangement and go to her DC's birthday party without DP shows disrespect to the DP, not forgetting that you might actually prefer to do anniversary stuff. Plus invitations are invitations, not summonses.

The 😂negates everything you've tried to portray as being hurt.

If you’ve communicated with your sister the way you’ve communicated with posters on here, I’d say that’s probably part of the problem 😂 But I doubt you’re ever going to accept that 🤣

I disagree with this. If her sister is like this all the time, sometimes you have to put your foot down and refuse to give her the apology she wants. I have someone like this in my family and it becomes exhausting dealing with the constant drama caused by them, and then they always expect an apology afterwards even when you’ve done nothing wrong. Then the cycle just continues because they think that the person apologising is doing it because they are at fault, instead of realising you are just trying to keep the peace.