AIBU to refuse to attend my nephew's birthday when my sister excluded my partner, then expected me to apologise?

[lavendersweetly]

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I just need some perspective here please.

So, a few months ago, my sister texted me and told me that she was holding a 1st birthday party in May for my nephew, Reeson, and that she would love for me to be there, but that my partner and our stepdad weren't invited. For context, our stepdad has been in our lives for 15 years...
She said that she decided to make it a joint function with Reeson's nan (my brother-in-law's mother) at the last minute, and that there was "no room" for too many other guests. Mind you, she and BIL invited SEVERAL of their friends, but the only people on her side of the family that were invited to Reeson's birthday party was my parents and I.
I am not familiar with R's grandmother at all, and we have only ever made polite small talk if we've ever been at a function together. My BIL in law and I also do not have the greatest relationship, though I believed it was starting to improve until this happened.
Now, it also happened to be my anniversary with my DP in May anyway, so we had made plans well in advance of the invite. I politely and respectfully advised her that, whilst we had already made plans for our anniversary, I wouldn't feel comfortable attending the function without my partner in any case, but that I was grateful for the invite, and that I hoped they had a lovely day.
He is my life partner and as much a part of Reeson's life as I am, whether she sees it that way or not, so I would assume that she would have understood my position, however, clearly she didn't because she simply responded "Lol". I replied and asked her to clarify what she meant, but she did not.

As a result, we then didn't talk for several weeks. To be clear, she did not make any effort to contact me, to ask how my family and I are getting on, nothing whatsoever, just radio silence.
A mutual friend then intervened, and told us both that we were being childish, and that we just needed to talk and clear the air of any misunderstanding. I took the feedback on the chin and subsequently texted my sister on 3 separate occasions and I told her that I loved her and Reeson. I invited her round for a cuppa and a chat and to see if we could sort it out, but I did not receive any kind of reply for several weeks.
She then contacted me out of the blue in August and said that she believes we could rectify the situation, but that she was hoping I "had something to say". In retrospect, it's easy to see now that she was waiting for me to profusely apologise for refusing to attend without DP...
I replied and told her that I didn't have much to say as I had already had time to process the event and move on from it, but that I do believe our wires had been crossed and that there was a communication breakdown. Again, I invited her and Reeson to my home for a chat because I was off work, but it seemed that my response was still not satisfactory enough, because she simply responded that she wasn't prepared to move past the issue, and that was that.
I have since texted my brother-in-law to ask how they're all getting on. He received the message but did not respond.
My sister and I have not talked since.

I'm really hurt that she has made no effort to contact me whatsoever. She hasn't once asked about how myself and my family are getting on because she clearly doesn't care, and I'm not sure if I do anymore.
The irony of it all is that she hasn't asked me ONCE how my son is doing either 😂

Why did you decide that your nephew's first birthday party was the right time for a battle of wills with your sister over who was going to control the invitation list?

Was your partner desperate to attend a baby's first birthday party?

Reeson is an unreasonable choice of name.
I don’t know re the actual question of the op as I couldn’t wade through it sorry.

I agree.

@lavendersweetlysomeone asked you earlier, but I didn’t see an answer yet. How long have you and your partner been together? You only mentioned his long your step father has been in your lives.

This is all silly. Its up to them.

Too long to read, but I'm sure she had her Reeson 🤭

I was actually on your side and then I read your comments. You sound exhausting. YABU.

You are both being unreasonable here and it depends how much you value your relationship with her whether you are prepared to move forward

The OP has clearly invented this name to make her sister sound ridiculous.

You are both batshit need to grow up before you pass on your nonsense behaviours to your children. What will you do when you have to navigate an actual issue?

i can on to say I wouldn’t be offended if dh wasn’t invited to a child’s party and I was (it’s really not a function) but actually if my sil had a party fir dn and dh was invited but I wasn’t u would be upset because she’s my niece too. But dh and I have been together 20 years and I’ve always been in her life and I am her auntie.
So I guess it depends on how long you and your partner have been together and how involved he is in your nephews life.
I wouldn’t have fell out over it though, you declined because you had plans, were these weekend away plans already paid for? Or intended to go out for a meal that night but easily changed and you chose not too.

She just wanted you and her parents there.

If your mum was happy to attend without her husband, then you could have attended without yours.

And if you didn’t want to, you could have just said you’re busy.

You’ve cut off your nose to spite your face, now you’re panicking as you may have lost your sister.

If you couldn’t go anyway due to your anniversary plans I don’t know why you mentioned her not inviting your partner anyway.
”Sorry I can’t make the party, we’ve already made plans for our anniversary. Hope R has a lovely day and I’ll catch up with you soon’.
Yes it wasn’t nice of her to exclude your DP or Step Dad.
This can’t be the first time you’ve fallen out of this is how you both communicate.
Personally I would leave it now, but then I don’t believe you have to get on with people just because you’re related to them. It sounds like the pair of you could do with the time apart.

What a load of palaver over nothing. It’s a one year olds birthday. You’d have gone round for an hour or two, had a cup of tea and a slice of cake, and gone home. The baby wouldn’t have cared. Did your DP even want to go? I’d rather cut off my arse with a blunt knife than go to a one year olds birthday.

I’m on OP’s side. I assume everyone who thinks expecting DP to be invited is ridiculous has zero boundaries and is a doormat to everyone.

The space excuse is bullshit. You don’t not invite your step dad and your BIL. Unless you’re a dick.

If sis has as much right to invite who she wants then she has to accept the repercussions of her choices.

Freedom of choice does not mean freedom from consequences.

She’s a twat OP, hope you had a lovely anniversary.

ps whoever said not to book an anniversary over a child’s known birth date is insane.

As a quick aside I’m surprised more people don’t seem to celebrate a babies first birthday. I mean it is a first.
We did a joint party with my 4 NCT group friends. 5 lots of friends and family in a big village hall and rec. More for us than anything as it was all our firsts . We are still friends (kids not so much 😁).
My brother’s family didn’t come as they live 40 mins away and have busy lives. Can’t say it mattered in the slightest.

You both sound like hard work. There was absolutely no need to mention the lack of invite for your DP and taking offence at it was unreasonable. Not wanting to go without him is fine, getting a dig in at her when you declined was not, especially as you already had plans. Her taking offence at your declining is even more childish. You've reached out to try and move past it, while she's digging a bigger hole, so you come out marginally ahead, but there's no glory here at all.

I don’t think it matters how well you know her MIL; that’s going to be the norm for many years that she’s around at events that involve her grandchild.
While I agree that you don’t have to go everywhere with your DP, I’d also be annoyed if he was actively excluded from family gatherings. My DP would be delighted not to go, but hurt to have been told he wasn’t invited. I also think it’s harsher that your stepdad wasn’t invited, unless she doesn’t like him.
I don’t know why she’s upset though, she didn’t have much room and you cleared out space for her. By you not going, the stepdad or someone else could. I can’t imagine what kind of gathering for a one year old would not have space for two extra people.
I’m petty and I’d leave her to sulk, and would repay the invite when I next have a gathering.

I don’t understand why you didn’t just say - I’m really sorry but as that’s not his actual birthday I’ve already booked X for my anniversary, however I’ll come and see him on his actual birthday or when you’re next free.

It’s childish for her to not invite your DP (although we’d need to know the back story) but it’s also childish of you to refuse to see your nephew without your DP (makes me wonder if she has a point).

Do you ever see your nephew or sister without your DP there?

Good grief. It was a one year old's birthday party, with limited space. Your sister could invite who she wanted. TBH your DP would likely have been happy to be left out of an infant's party. You'd already made plans with DP so wouldn't have been going anyway,
so there was absolutely no need to mention any other reason for not going.

What a big fat fuss over nothing.

Both being a bit ridiculous. I don’t think it would have harmed you to pop over and give your nephew a present and cuddle. Your partner doesn’t need to go everywhere with you.

Reeson. 🤣

oh yes!

I can see several examples here of your communication coming across differently to how you think it is coming across. I think it's quite likely that your communication style with your sister is part of the problem.

" I politely and respectfully advised her that, whilst we had already made plans for our anniversary, I wouldn't feel comfortable attending the function without my partner in any case, but that I was grateful for the invite, and that I hoped they had a lovely day."

As others have said, the polite and respectful way to respond would have been to have said only that you are sorry that you can't attend as you already have plans for your anniversary on that date. Including your feelings about your partner not being invited could have been read as a dig, and your sister has obviously taken it as one.

"She then contacted me out of the blue... she was hoping I "had something to say". In retrospect, it's easy to see now that she was waiting for me to profusely apologise for refusing to attend without DP...
I replied and told her that I didn't have much to say as I had already had time to process the event and move on from it, but that I do believe our wires had been crossed and that there was a communication breakdown. Again, I invited her and Reeson to my home... she simply responded that she wasn't prepared to move past the issue, and that was that."

She said, (in coded language that was a bit of a dig at you) that she thought that you should apologise. You said back in the same coded language that you weren't going to apologise. You included a dig that sounds a lot like "you're being petty for not having got over it already." When she said that she wasn't prepared to move past the issue you could have said "Okay I'd like to resolve it with you, can we please meet to talk?". I'm inferring from what you have posted that you didn't reply.

You may not have strictly in so many words have said a lot of things, but there is a lot that people can infer from what you have said both to your sister and on here.

There was a lot said between the lines between you two (and in your posting on here) that comes across as barbed and having a dig at each other. I imagine that is typical in many sibling relationships, but if you genuinely want to find your way out of this stalemate and have a future relationship with your sister and nephew, you do need to realise and acknowledge that your communication choices have contributed to the breakdown in the relationship. Hers have too of course, but the only way out of this stalemate situation is for at least one of you to start behaving more maturely than you both currently are. You can't control her actions, so it's up to you to change if you want this to resolve. You could choose to be gracious and overlook her shortcomings in communication and decision making for the sake of pouring oil on troubled waters. If you acknowledge and take responsibility for your part in this all it would make it easier for her to climb down from her high horse and acknowledge her part in it. Or she may not, and you need to decide if that's a price you're willing to pay for a continued relationship with them. At some point you've got to decide what is a hill you are willing to die on, and none of this sounds like a hill that I think is worth not having contact with my sister and nephew over.

Be a grown up and use grown up tactful language, even in the face of provocation. Take responsibility for what your words implied, even if you genuinely didn't realise that they would. Listen to what she has to say and apologise sincerely and wholeheartedly. Life is too damn short.

You haven’t responded to any of the many posters who asked why you felt the need to say you woolly attend because your partner wasn’t invited, when you weren’t actually going to attend anyway as you were busy.