AIBU to refuse to attend my nephew's birthday when my sister excluded my partner, then expected me to apologise?

[lavendersweetly]

Some details changed privacy reasons

I just need some perspective here please.

So, a few months ago, my sister texted me and told me that she was holding a 1st birthday party in May for my nephew, Reeson, and that she would love for me to be there, but that my partner and our stepdad weren't invited. For context, our stepdad has been in our lives for 15 years...
She said that she decided to make it a joint function with Reeson's nan (my brother-in-law's mother) at the last minute, and that there was "no room" for too many other guests. Mind you, she and BIL invited SEVERAL of their friends, but the only people on her side of the family that were invited to Reeson's birthday party was my parents and I.
I am not familiar with R's grandmother at all, and we have only ever made polite small talk if we've ever been at a function together. My BIL in law and I also do not have the greatest relationship, though I believed it was starting to improve until this happened.
Now, it also happened to be my anniversary with my DP in May anyway, so we had made plans well in advance of the invite. I politely and respectfully advised her that, whilst we had already made plans for our anniversary, I wouldn't feel comfortable attending the function without my partner in any case, but that I was grateful for the invite, and that I hoped they had a lovely day.
He is my life partner and as much a part of Reeson's life as I am, whether she sees it that way or not, so I would assume that she would have understood my position, however, clearly she didn't because she simply responded "Lol". I replied and asked her to clarify what she meant, but she did not.

As a result, we then didn't talk for several weeks. To be clear, she did not make any effort to contact me, to ask how my family and I are getting on, nothing whatsoever, just radio silence.
A mutual friend then intervened, and told us both that we were being childish, and that we just needed to talk and clear the air of any misunderstanding. I took the feedback on the chin and subsequently texted my sister on 3 separate occasions and I told her that I loved her and Reeson. I invited her round for a cuppa and a chat and to see if we could sort it out, but I did not receive any kind of reply for several weeks.
She then contacted me out of the blue in August and said that she believes we could rectify the situation, but that she was hoping I "had something to say". In retrospect, it's easy to see now that she was waiting for me to profusely apologise for refusing to attend without DP...
I replied and told her that I didn't have much to say as I had already had time to process the event and move on from it, but that I do believe our wires had been crossed and that there was a communication breakdown. Again, I invited her and Reeson to my home for a chat because I was off work, but it seemed that my response was still not satisfactory enough, because she simply responded that she wasn't prepared to move past the issue, and that was that.
I have since texted my brother-in-law to ask how they're all getting on. He received the message but did not respond.
My sister and I have not talked since.

I'm really hurt that she has made no effort to contact me whatsoever. She hasn't once asked about how myself and my family are getting on because she clearly doesn't care, and I'm not sure if I do anymore.
The irony of it all is that she hasn't asked me ONCE how my son is doing either 😂

You're absolutely right in that I don't feel that I need to, but that's not the same thing as refusing. Like I'm sorry but it's just not at all😅

Your sister sounds like hard work.

You've tried but she's not up for sorting it out unless you grovel and accept all responsibility and for what?! Being busy on your anniversary and questioning why your husband is excluded in an invite?!

Hardly the crime of the century!

All very childish IMO but as I said, you've tried.

I'd let her get on with it now.

Why did you tell her you had nothing to say and had moved on?

Thank you so much!

In retrospect, it's easy to see now that she was waiting for me to profusely apologise for refusing to attend without DP...
I replied and told her that I didn't have much to say as I had already had time to process the event and move on from it, but that I do believe our wires had been crossed and that there was a communication

Thats not an apology. That’s an explanation ( a curt one)

You both sound like idiots
Why does the talk have to be at your house, is it so you can control where and when?
Why not at a neutral place of you actually want to work things out

Please tell us the child is not really called Reeson. That is the only thing that matters here!

I was just trying to make it easier for her, nothing to do with control. Weird comment to make 🤣

Why was it so important for you to let your sister know you were offended your DP wasn't invited to a birthday party you couldn't attend anyway because you already had other plans? Why is it so important that you don't actually apologise to her when you're 'reaching out'? You're so determined to be right and your sister seems to be the same. One of you needs to be the grown up here, you're a long time dead.

“Reeson”???? This all sounds incredibly immature and lacking class

Congratulations on one of the best invented names ever seen on the forum.

If it is the real name, I feel we owe an apology to all the Jupiters, Pommeltempkins, Rameses and Fledwiggels that we've spent years criticizing on the Baby Names board.

I have been your sister in pretty much this exact position. My grandfather (so DD great grandfather) had the same birthday as DD. So every year I have family pressure to combine the birthdays because I can't expect people to celebrate DD and ignore great grandpop. Fine.

So one year I am planning a get together for 3yo DDs birthday, am pressured to make it a joint birthday, as usual, and invite as many people as I can. Think my side, also DH side AND few people for GGpop. SHIT HITS THE FAN. I have massively offended relatives of GGpop because I haven't invited them (and their partners, and their kids...) to his birthday party. My mother is so disappointed in me. Those relatives have never forgiven me, really.
And yes your sister invited a few friends over your partner, these friends she would see often and will be asking about the party? What time? And assuming they are of course invited! They will be hurt if they aren't invited...

This is obviously every year, birthdays are.
And you just want to make a nice little token party for your child... but it seems they are the only ones willing to make sacrifices without chucking their toys out of the pram.
So, like your sister, I might hope that my sister and mum might do me a solid favour and accept that sacrifices need to be made and it's not because I don't love them enough it's because I mistakenly thought they love me enough and see I am trying my best to make EVERYONE happy. And I will see them lots anyway, because we are close.
But no... everyone has their fucking pride, like you obviously do.
Please try to exert yourself to see this from your sister's perspective.

Both daft . Especially having a party for a one yr old . Who does that? Much ado about nothing

If you were away on the day of the party, all you had to do was message "oh crap, we're away that weekend for our anniversary, I didn't think you were having a party. Anyway, me and Derek will pop down in the week beforehand with Baby Dave and bring Reason his present"

,, you didn't need to cause a drama with the "iloh I can't possibly come without Derek!!"

She did nothing wrong in inviting you but not your DH. You were fine to decline to attend, however you were massively out of line for telling her she was wrong for not inviting your DP, since it wasn't your party and therefore not your choice to make. You owe her an apology for your uninvited comments and causing the unneccessary drama. You don't get to dictate who your sister chooses to invite to parties she hosts.

You wanted some perspective

You weren't going to attend anyway because you were going to be busy on your anniversary so why didn't you just tell her that? it seemed like you wanted to stir up trouble by being offended that she didn't invite DP

I wouldn't attend a family party without my partner, I wouldn't expect him to and I wouldn't exclude anyone's partner from a family party.

But my gut instinct was that she wasn't allowed to invite anyone. It's her husband's party for his family, and the only people she's been given permission to invite is her mum and sister but he didn't want your partner's or kids rocking up and ruining his family party. And abused women tend to be the voice piece for their H so it coming from her doesn't mean anything. The things I used to complain about on ex's behalf is ridiculous, people must have thought I was a right bitch.

How does that make it ok to exclude the partner from family gatherings? It doesn’t.

A baby’s party is a bit of a non event so I am surprised your DP wanted to attend but I think both you and your sister are being childish. Her for being so precious about who was invited and then insisting on an apology and you for not just going to the party in the first place with your parents as invited or alternatively telling her you couldn’t attend.

I thought the reason you didn’t go was a prior engagement :)

I don’t know anyone who would have a birthday and invite family but not family partners. No one I know would go because what’s family anyway if your partner doesn’t count? So I wouldn’t be apologising or messaging back! Like you said, she obviously doesn’t care about your dc so can’t expect you to care about hers!

Also what is all this about people not attending events without their DPs? That seems a bit pathetic. My husband and I have been married 44 years and attend lots of stuff together but also do things without each other. People do get precious about events sometime and the easiest thing is just shrug it off or don’t attend,

OP reads like a novella. I still can’t figure it out. Someone wasn’t invited to a family function? And what’s ‘Reeson’?

Sorry needs to be clearer, many people will simply try to wade through the first paragraph and give up

Did you send a birthday card and gift for the baby? If yes then I think your dsis is being a bit unreasonable.

Id call her - leave a message if she doesn’t pick up and say - you’re sorry if your message came across badly because it was so short - you didn’t mean to upset her; the party invite was short notice and you already had plans for your anniversary celebration and what you meant was you didn’t want to cancel those plans to attend a party at short notice without your dp, as that seemed unfair on dp.

Also - you have your own dc - he wasn’t invited to the birthday party either? So if you and dp had attended who would have looked after your son?

It sounds like she didn’t plan to have a1st birthday party, then was railroaded into it by BIL’s family/nan, and thought “oh god I can’t really have a party without mum and sis, but all these people will be too much and overwhelming for the baby.” So decided to keep it small.

In future use voice calls not text message as they are too short to convey meaningful information

Yabu for changing details for privacy reasons and being able to choose any name in the world, but using "Reeson" for the name.