DH wants to abort, I don’t

[ccd90]

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing.

We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1.

Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed.

I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job.

It’s impossible to talk to him right now.

I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart.

I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for).

I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

The only thing I’d be focusing on here is what’s best for my existing children, I’m a mum and therefore my needs come second now. Do I think it would be beneficial to my children to have another sibling when I am already struggling and have MH issues? Do I think it would benefit them to add further strain to our already stretched family?

As sad as I’d be to have an abortion I’d be putting my existing children first.

Ultimately OP it is your body and your choice.

I think you are right to think that you will resent him if you have an abortion and that the relation would end anyway.

If you think you have the strength to be a single parent if it comes to that and you want that child then make that choice.

He will still have to contribute to the child's life financially regardless of his views on this. It is not something he can just opt out of.

It always baffles me that grown men don't realise that contraception is not 100% reliable and that having sex might result in a child being conceived.

If he was that worried about the risk of having another child and you having PND then a vasectomy would have been the way to go.

This, listen to him.

I am allowed to reply, and your comment doesn't do anything for OP either.

I've been in a relationship while on the coil, and I accepted that there was always a small possibility of pregnancy just like OP did. It's her husband who apparently did not.

He's trying to manipulate you to have an abortion.

Well, he's directly asking her to, which is not manipulation.

I think you need to consider the impact on your two existing children. What if you get ill again? Can you manage 3 under 5 alone? Will it affect their quality of life? They come first. Not you. Not your husband

Er, the last time l looked it takes two to make a baby. OP was using long term contraception so it wasn’t unreasonable on his part to assume she didn’t want another child.

@ccd90
I came here to say the above.
What will the impact be on your existing DC, particularly if your mental health spirals again - I think you will be at a higher risk of PND if you have suffered before.

He clearly had stronger feelings than her - shouldn't have delayed that vasectomy I guess.

That's really not true. Surveys - with statistics likely under reported - indicate that between 5% - 17% of parents regret having children. (And, yes, that includes mothers, not just Feckless Men

“If he left me, I’d be heartbroken. We’ve spent a lifetime together, since school kids but if he does leave then he was never my soulmate in the first place”

Sounds like his mental health is my great either OP, all the financial weight falls to him.
Do you think you’re a good ‘soulmate’ adding to his stress without a thought for his wellbeing?

Are you sure? Why are there so many single parent families with (usually) Dads who don’t want to see the child, or have minimal contact if people rarely regret having a child?

Theres also many posts on here where parents wouldn’t have had their children if they truly understood what parenting was.

The stats will also be skewed because most people who would regret having a child have an abortion.

There are also plenty of people who are very happy with their decision to have an abortion.

I agree the OP is likely to fall into the former camp, given she doesn’t want the abortion going into it and so will almost certainly regret it, but she has to face the reality it’s highly likely that her DH will regret having the baby.

I also think that the quoted post is excellent. You are both entitled to your feelings. But ultimately you're the one in control. Consequently his feelings are heightened because he knows that ultimately he has no say.

It's a really tough situation, for both of you. And I'm afraid that none of us can help you make that decision, @ccd90

I think this but then you’re the person that has to undergo the abortion. It’s much easier for dh to want it when he doesn’t have to suffer the physical effects. I’m sorry, there’s just no good option unless DH has a massive change of heart but I think with 2 such young children and history of PND I wouldn’t have another baby.

A) It is entirely your decision, not his, sadly for men.

B) Don't rush to make a decision either way. You have time. Tell him you're happy to talk about it sensibly but he needs to stay calm and rational, exploring both sides.

C) You described a bleed with no cause and a highly-strung man in your house who vehemently does not want another child. I would be careful what I eat/drink in that house and consider installing hidden cameras. Yes, I have watched a lot of true crime shows.

Sorry OP it’s a really difficult decision and I can see why your DH is concerned but also why you can’t go through with the abortion. I can only suggest continuing to talk to him. Maybe your DH would have different if he’d seen the scan (assume he didn’t go with you).

Three kids is certainly difficult and him being the sole breadwinner is also really difficult on him and I imagine he’s stressed about that and was looking forward to you earning and sharing the load financially.

This was me 23 years ago. Partner wasn’t sure about baby number 3. It wasn’t planned (in fact I asked the doctor how as we had only slept together once in 3/4 months and we had a very hyper 1 year old!). I had such strong feelings I couldn’t terminate. It was all booked. I got in the car to go and cried all the way there. He looked at me and said “you can’t do it can you!?” And turned the car around.
He then threw himself into supporting me and apart from almost missing our sons birth (after 2 girls as well) he was smitten! If he hadn’t of said that I would have walked out the room once there anyway. Best thing I did was listen to my heart and he says the same now like.
Go with what your heart is telling you.

They need to listen to each other, its not a one way street, right? I personally couldnt get over being forced to go through with an abortion because he couldnt get off his arse and sort out a vasectomy.

@ccd90are you the same poster who had her coil removed and then had unprotected sex up to three times a day for a week afterwards, against the doctor’s advice? Then was “shocked” to possibly be pregnant?

Apologies if it’s not you. But if it is, you both need to grow up, take responsibility and stop playing god with human lives because you don’t want to follow simple instructions.

No that is not me, I am not having sex 3 times a day for one. Can’t think of anything worse personally 🤦🏻‍♀️

I would suggest some emergency couples counselling so you can get support to hear each other out.

Posters seem to be skirting over that OP has previously suffered from PND.

No wonder her DH is stressed out.

If she suffers from it again (a good chance), he will not only be the sole breadwinner but also solo parenting 3 DC and caring for his DW.

He is probably looking at the pregnancy from that perspective rather than anything else.

I can fully understand both sides here.
Your husband will have the financial responsibility of raising another child, one wage raising a family of 5 is extremely difficult in current circumstances.
You don’t want to terminate a pregnancy because you’re the one carrying the baby and will have to go through the abortion.
I think you both have to be pragmatic here, if your marriage fails, you will be a single mother to 3 very small children with no income and mental health struggles and you will all suffer as a result.

Adding to his stress? We both had sex, not just me. I’m not to blame for my contraception failing. If I was on the pill and took it Willy nilly I’d understand but I have the coil in.

Thank you to everyone for advice/opinions. Will talk to DH in a couple of days when we’ve both had time to think.