DH wants to abort, I don’t

[ccd90]

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing.

We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1.

Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed.

I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job.

It’s impossible to talk to him right now.

I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart.

I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for).

I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

I don’t think this is a case of coercion. It may be their business but OP is not contributing at the moment, which leaves him as the sole earner. If he has doubts about whether the business generates enough to support another child then closing it down in favour of a better paid job isn’t a threat - it’s a sensible course of action

But OK to pressure a woman into aborting when she doesn’t want to?

I thought pro-choice meant a WOMAN’S right to choose - not a man’s right to choose! A few “pro-choice” posters on here only seem to support the man having a choice

OP, threatening you with consequences if you don’t abort is emotional blackmail and sorry to say but your “D”H is showing you who he is here. I’d rather be a single mum than be married to somebody like that.

How is it emotional blackmail if those consequences are real ? They have two other children to think about and it’s clear that DH either doesn’t think the business will generate enough income to support another child, or doesn’t want the responsibility alone.

Which contraception failed?

Threatening someone with consequences if they don’t do what you want them to do? If it’s not coercive it certainly seems manipulative at the very least.

Thanks for your kind words. We both have valid reasons not to have another child but at the same time something was telling me to continue the pregnancy and I made the decision not too. I’m the one who has to live with that not anyone else. We have been together a few years now and as much as I love him, I also really resent him right now so I’m keeping my mouth shut. Not sure what the future holds but I’ll be just fine either way xx

I am sorry to hear of this situation, it's so incredibly hard for both of you

It's your body and your choice. But also, it's really awful for your husband who is powerless in this and is forced to live with the consequences of your choices, which aren't what he wants. You were using contraception as well, so you both thought you were safe and being responsible and were taking steps to prevent this happening.

Why should a woman be the only one that gets to choose? If she wants a child, she can find a man that also wants a child. She still has a choice. Forcing a man to have a child takes his choice away completely.

the coil….i did flag up with @ccd90 earlier that she needs advice asap from a Dr as pregnancy with a coil in situ can lead to miscarriage , ectopic or pregnancy complications such as infection . The choice may be taken out of her hands if so and may be more serious the longer she leaves it. She may not have seen that post though as this thread is so full.

That may be true for you, but not for everyone. I haven't regretted mine for a second, and barely think about it unless promoted by an online conversation or similar.

It’s a really difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. I feel if you abort it’ll be a lifetime regret. You don’t have to do anything regarding your marriage straight away. It can wait until after pregnancy, unless your husband wants to take control which is up to him. What I’m saying is prioritise yourself and your children, he’s a grown man who can deal with his feelings.

To be honest, I did not for a long time. Now I do, sometimes -especially after having my DC. I dont regret it though but I feel sorry I stupidly had unprotected sex without thinking of consequences.

There is not a single poster on this thread that has suggested something anywhere near he should have more of a say than OP. Not one. That's nonsense.

Saying he'd close his business could have been a very threatening comment. Or it could simply been a comment that he doesn't feel it is practical as the sole earner for five people to rely on one business.

I am sorry, I must have missed where she shagged him against his wishes and forced him to ejaculate inside her without using a condom or having the vasectomy he said he wanted.

Can you quote that for me please?

I hope the OP sees this

I would say its plain old fashioned blackmail.

@ccd90
The last time you had PND, how did it manifest and how did your DH cope when you were ill? Did he help and support you?
Did it affect your marriage?

You say he mentioned financial pressures of a 3rd DC, yet you also say you have money and his business is doing well.
Do you think there are other reasons that your DH is stressed out by this pregnancy?

He might say 'financial pressures' but really it's something different on his mind

I never in a thousand years suggest its something women should feel bad for. I'm 100% pro abortion and believe its something that should be freely available. Bit its not a decision to take lightly. If OP feels strongly about having this baby, she should not have an abortion. It will not be a good thing for her.

Literally because she is the only one growing the baby (using her own body for it’s resources), face the physical risks and changes and is ultimately responsible for it for 9 months.
A man can have his say but until it’s actually out in the world, it’s the woman’s choice.

Ho on earth can you cope with 3 very young children and PND how is it fair on any of the kids?

What is best for the kids you have now and what happens when you have a 4th and 5th

I agree that no woman who is unsure should be pushed into a termination. But while it can be physically taxing to undergo one, it is not "hard" for every woman.

@PyongyangKipperbang
Theres a world of difference between a wanted termination and a wanted pregnancy.
And theres also a big grey space where you make the decision with your sensible head and not your heart. Which may always be something you think about, or equally come to terms with.

I think there is more than pregnancy to be considered. OP has a history of depression and anxiety and currently has PND 12 months on from the birth of her last child. So now there will be a third child to add to the stress. Running your own business is stressful and hard work. Moving to a wage will remove some of the stress for her DH, so I don't think he's being manipulative. He needs to look after his own well being if he's expected to provide on his own for a longer period of time than initially agreed.

A vasectomy isn’t 100% either. My cousin had a vasectomy years ago that failed after several years. He thought his wife had cheated until they got the DNA test at birth. The only thing that is 100% is a woman having a hysterectomy because a baby physically cannot be carried.

He's also self employed, so don’t bank on any contributions. With the OPs mental health struggles she may well be seen by a judge as not fit to parent so along with her marriage and financial security she may lose her children as well.

Its worst case scenario of course, but it does happen and the OP would be wise to consider every option instead of just presuming she can live a life of riley with 3 kids under 5, getting child support for 18 years.

You're saying that assuming I dont know. I do. Believe me, I do.