DH wants to abort, I don’t

[ccd90]

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing.

We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1.

Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed.

I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job.

It’s impossible to talk to him right now.

I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart.

I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for).

I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

I accept that.

My mum had a lot of abortions and its like it was nothing (it was normal for women of her generation in the USSR - it was basically most widely used form of contraception, everyone was having them despite the fact it was done with no anaesthetic).

I had my son after my ex had said he didn't want another baby and it was really hard, after that I fell pregnant again and had a termination. I was really angry that I felt I had to do it and then we split up because he was abusive. He's a terrible father to our son and I feel so guilty when I see how disappointed my son is, I'm now glad I didn't take another child through this.

I think sadly you have to be prepared to do it alone and possibly know that having three children isn't going to be easy. I wouldn't bet on the whole "he'll get over it" because he might not and you time will be further divided in trying to keep everyone happy.

I’m so sorry @Cece92sending you hugs, and sorry to anyone else who’s shared similar. I’ve tried to read all comments but there are so many xx

@ForKookyGuidethank you, I’ve had a few scans already due to fact they thought initially it was ectopic. I am having the coil removed in the next 2 weeks, I am waiting for confirmation on my appointment. If the strings are not visible or too high up then they may leave it in place and monitor closely.

There’s a lot of assumptions baked in here, OP, which suggests you’ve decided what you want to do already.

You are assuming you will feel resentful, sad, and guilty if you terminate. It is possible to seek help to process and move past those feelings, as counselling will have helped you process and move past many difficult feelings before if you’ve had long term mental ill health.

You are ‘praying’ you won’t have PND again. There’s a lot banking on that being the case.

Ultimately, being an unemployed single mother of three young children, with a history of mental illness, is a really fragile position to be in, and the sad reality is that’s a lot of risk factors for a very tough start in life for all the children.

An impossible situation, I really feel for you both.

I have no meaningful contribution but I enjoyed your use of willy nilly in the context.

Your DH does indeed need a willy nilly vasectomy.

The OP tells you that the contraception failed. It's the very first post, I assume you have read it so I won't bother to quote it for you.

It was an accident, these things happen. No force at that stage on either side. The force is only used when a woman chooses to take away a man's choice giving women 100% control and men 0%.

Don't abort if the thought upsets you. Be prepared that DH may not get over it.

In my case, husband stopped pestering for abortion when the unplanned 3rd pregnancy was 6 months along. But the marriage never fully recovered from his 5 month pressure campaign.

But everyone in the family loves the youngest kid.

I think they are referring to the blood tests that give you a percentage of how likely your child is to have certain diseases/conditions. Down syndrome is one as an example and if it comes out high you can opt to have further tests to confirm.

Yeah I'm with you here & I would always listen with great empathy but also very much solidarity if it's the right choice at the time

Yes it was an accident, these things happen and it is a known risk of having sex. So, if he didnt want to hand over the decision making to his wife over what happens when he contributed his half to making her pregnant, then he should make sure he didnt make her pregnant.

ETA your post implied that he had no choice in her getting PG except that he did so......

Same thing happened to me. 2 children aged 3 & 1, Covid, struggling… accidentally pregnant. Both initialled said abortion but I changed my mind like you, we battled for weeks until I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him if he really didn’t want the baby I’d have an abortion (knew I couldn’t do it alone) but also our relationship would be over.

He stayed, we kept the baby. They just turned 5. He loves them. But he wasn’t very nice to me at the time and I’ll never forget that.

It’s a really hard situation OP and no negotiating with him worked until I put the ultimatum on the table. We were both responsible for the pregnancy, just as you and your husband are so I do not understand even now why I was the villain! Best of luck x

That's different surely? Over here I had to pay privately before my 20 week Anomaly Scan, so I got it at 16 weeks, Geriatric Mother & all at the grand old age of 37

Thank you , I am glad it’s in hand…it’s the main thing that would worry me and make me consider continuing with the pregnancy , as I wouldn’t want to jeopardise my health if I already had 2 children or risk a late term miscarriage or pre term birth. I hope you get some counselling support , I likewise had PND and I know it’s a really hard thing to be dealing with all these things at the same time….you have to do what’s right for you whatever the opinions of other people may be. Best wishes xx

I get it, 3 kids under the age of 5 will be hard work esp if the two you have are already affecting your business.

But I would not have an abortion if I didnt want to have one no matter the conseqyences. Tbh your DH getting a normal job might be a good thing. Who knows.

Best of luck whatever happens.

But for some people it is nothing. I think about mine as much as I think about getting my last tooth out. In fact it was easier as I had a nap and I didn’t hear the sound of my tooth cracking in my skull.

I have no emotions or regret or anything. It just is. It was form of secondary contraception as first line of defence failed.

im sure if you are are coerced or it’s under upsetting medical circumstances it can be upsetting like other medical experiences. But feeding into this idea that it’s comes with inherent trauma is both untrue and unhelpful.

You have to do what is right for you.

Your husband is being honest with you. He is supporting three very needy people - 2 toddlers and a wife with PND and working as a self employed person. I can see his point.

Just thinking he might be against because he wants to split up.. I read something from a poster about a vasectomy he didn't go through with..?

Not getting a vasectomy might be due to him wanting to keep his options open with a future partner.

I'll repeat that you have time to decide what to do. Think about if there have been signs he wants to split and consider if you really want a third child or just don't like the idea of terminating your pregnancy. I agree you will resent anyone who tries to force you into it so it needs to be your decision.

If you dont want an abortion dont have one.

Saying that if you have PND currently I understand why DH might want one. So I think if it were me id sit him down and talk about his concerns, while explaining your own feelings. Id maybe even do one of those counselling sessions you can attend after an unexpected pregnacy. I would do this to try and save my marriage, but it wouldnt and shouldnt change the fact its up to you if you want this baby or not.

I agree with this, the only thing I think about with my abortion at 19 or 20 (I can’t remember exactly how old I was) is how fortunate I was to live in a country where it was an option, how super easy it was to arrange and how well looked after I was.

Don’t be pressurised or blackmailed into having an abortion. You will always regret it. Be strong.

Ultimately it’s your body and it’s up to you.

There is no right answer here - your DH is thinking with his head, and you with your heart. He has valid reasons for not wanting to proceed with the pregnancy and your desire to have the baby is also valid. Clearly the final decision is yours, but it would be best to talk it through and try to agree as much as possible, if you want your marriage to go the distance. Can you understand his pov - is it mostly financial concerns that he has, or the worry that you will suffer from PPD? Maybe when you understand that you can discuss how to mitigate these worries.