DH wants to abort, I don’t

[ccd90]

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing.

We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1.

Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed.

I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job.

It’s impossible to talk to him right now.

I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart.

I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for).

I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

Sorry for snapping, I am in a mood! I agree with your points though, it amazes me the number of people (of both sexes) who think that man walking away from his kids suddenly means he is no longer a father with any responsibility!

In theory. In reality, self-employed men can easily pay zero maintenance.

OP, I find mumsnet to be very pro abortion unless you have 100K in personal savings and a husband earning 200k and a house with 5 bedrooms.

The truth is that the women who don't regret their abortions are generally the ones who were convinced from the start it was the right course to take.
If you already are having serious doubts, don't let anyone bully or guilt you into doing it. If you have an abortion, do it because you believe it is the right thing to do.

If you have an abortion, do it because you believe it is the right thing to do.

I would slightly amend @Iris2020 's statement to say that you believe it is the right thing to do for you and your existing children.

Abortion is really hard and you never not think about it, even if it was necessary and you wanted it. You should not have it if you want this baby, it will ruin you. Seriously, you have two kids, you cant risk your mental health. Try to talk to your DH again. In all reality, if he was so against another kid he should have had the snip. He should not push you to go through a traumatic and potentially very damaging experience.

Honestly please do what you want to do. I recently had a termination I had a list of pro’s and cons for going ahead with it, but I mainly done it for my partner. He has 2 kids already with 2 of his exes one in which was his ex wife. He didn’t want another, my contraception failed me too. He gave me a whole load of reasons why he never wanted another and also that his eldest wouldn’t be on board with it given that she doesn’t even acknowledge her sister. He did say it was my choice though. I wouldn’t say I felt pressured at the time but I stupidly went ahead with it, and genuinely really regret it. I actually hate him right now we have barely spoke to each other because if he says something wrong I know what’s going to come out my mouth and it’s not going to be nice. Don’t get me wrong I know realistically it wasn’t the best time for me to have a baby. I was made redundant just started a new job, and I was staying with my grand parents helping my gran with dementia but I’ve just in the last week gotten and new house. Since I had the abortion it’s made me realise that he did leave me with no option he wouldn’t let me have a child and not be involved but we don’t live together he works away and has his kids every other weekend and stays quite far from me and not to be horrible but I’ve seen how his eldest treats the youngest and there would have been no way in hell I’d have allowed that to happen. It’s really hard. I’m regretful, emotional and wish I’d have listened to my own mind. I’m really ready to walk away from him because although he has never ever been horrible to me he’s not been supportive since and when I’ve mentioned about being a bit emotional he’s like why though? He doesn’t get it and I’m at my wits end. I sat outside on a bench on my lunch break and it all hit me and I was so emotional. I’ve got to live with that decision I made for the rest of my life now. So please make the right decision. Sending you hugs xx

This is the age gap between my 3 and I cancelled an abortion with the last as they showed me his strong heartbeat. I continued the pregnancy and it went so south I can’t have any more kids so I’m relieved to have my 3 more than anything.

I think you tell your husband he either supports you or moves onto life without you, ultimately you’d resent every second with him after the abortion and it’s not worth it how it is now you wither have the kid and see if he adjusts or don’t and it puts you on unsteady ground regardless.

Sometimes things come to us at the wrong time, they often come back to us when the time is right. Where did you get your termination? They should offer post procedure counselling, it will probably help.

Often there is no "right" option, just a "least wrong" one. You chose the "least wrong" option for you.

Take care sweetie xx

Thank you so much for the kind words ☺️ it was done via my local hospital. I done it at home under their guidance I had in face appointment then sent home. I have a follow up this week and I will be speaking to them about how I am feeling. Thank you x

It's not about her body or his, its about a child, an actual human being and it's upbringing. It is totally unfair to force someone to become a parent against their wishes. Imagine if a man forced a woman to bring up a child!

I think @PyongyangKipperbang is right- sometimes there is no right choice only the least wrong one.

I think you are very brave to have gone through with it feeling like you were, you had lots of valid reasons not to have a baby and you made a decision and saw it through. You are allowed to feel sad and grieve still.

I can tell you are a strong lady who won’t put up with any more nonsense from this chap. You know now that while he has children already, he doesn’t want you to have any. Bin him off! Live your life. Any children you do have down the road will be lucky to have you.

Maybe he just doesn't want to be the only earner for much longer? You would be looking for work in a year, if you carry on with this pregnancy it'll be another 3. Perhaps a conversation about continuing with the pregnancy but looking for work when the new baby is 1, when most mothers go back to work, would be helpful? I would be horrified by an unexpected 3rd child but as the one with the uterus I have the choice!

Your married. I don't see the problem.

I am glad you are seeing them again, definitely tell them about your feelings and ask if they can signpost you for specialist counselling.

This may help you find someone to talk to.

www.msichoices.org.uk/abortion/abortion-advice/abortion-counselling/

I don't think there is an answer here. I do think either way its a marriage dealbreaker though. So sorry.

I wish you both well and hope you can get this sorted between you

I am afraid I take issue with this. Some women, me included, don't think about it at all until threads like this bring those memories up. We were/are safe in our decision and knew it was the right one for us at the time. Some women are either coerced or unsure or feel they simply have no choice and yes, they will always carry that memory as a burden. But equally, many dont.

Its not fair to say that we all react the same way.

Very similar to my situation in the past,I had a big bleed,but ok,my husband wanted the abortion.i wasn’t sure.i had it,it kills me to this day.,i wish i had been brave enough to say no.please do what is right for you.it is your body not his.you will be the one who has to live with the decision forever.all the very best,xxx

An abortion can break a women even if she has no doubt it’s the correct choice let alone when you know it isn’t. I’m very spiritual and I believe the bleed was your baby’s way of him/her showing you how strong their heart beat is and telling you they want to live. Obviously I can’t say what you should or shouldn’t do but what I can say There’s no way I’d pick any man over my child (in or out or utero)

I honestly don't think attempting to coerce a woman into aborting a pregnancy is ever acceptable. He could have made his feelings clear without threatening to close down their business. You did get that it's their business, not his?

Keep the baby, you can always find another husband.

I think your observation about your own happiness and feelings towards the marriage, should you chose to terminate, are spot on. Actions have consequences. He was unbothered about the admin needed to secure the snip. His disgruntlement at the situation should be entirely at himself.
You upheld your side of the bargain, it failed. That’s on him.

I hope he’s dropped the forms at GP surgery now? Of course he forgot because it’s not him getting pregnant is it!
My DH had his vasectomy operation the day after my six weeks check! We discussed it and he said he didn’t want any more children, so to the doctors he went!
Even if I had wanted more I did, it’s his body and his decision!
Good luck with your choice 💐

Such a tricky situation. It is your body of course and ultimately no one can force you to do something you don’t want too. That being said, the child that will come out of this is also your DH responsibility, he will have to pay for it, raise it etc and he has said he doesn’t want anymore kids. You also have PND, so the child coming into the world at this exact moment in time isn’t the best start for it. That’s not me saying you should go ahead and end the pregnancy, but at the same time, this is just as about your DH, and your other children as it is you. His feelings and concerns matter and should be listened too not sidelined.

You have already said that you think he would leave if you went ahead. Where would that leave you and your other children? What financial position would you be in? How much external support do you have? Could you cope with 3 children under 5 whilst also suffering from PND?

As a mother myself i understand where you are coming from. I also understand that sometimes as a mother you have to make difficult decisions because life doesn’t always work out the way we planned/wanted. Ultimately you have two children here now who need you and their dad and deserve a stable upbringing (whether that’s you both living together or successfully coparenting) and that’s what you need to consider before making any decision.

I wish you the best whatever your decision, it’s an almost impossible choice for you to make.

You said you have support around you, you have the funds - everything else will be ok. Imagine a beautiful family with 3 children in a few years times when they are older - with or without your DH in the picture…

what would you advise your daughter if she was in this situation?