DH wants to abort, I don’t

[ccd90]

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing.

We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1.

Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed.

I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job.

It’s impossible to talk to him right now.

I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart.

I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for).

I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

In some ways it's about whether you're prepared to risk the family you already have for another child.

There's no right or wrong and certainly no easy answer, but weighing up all possible long term implications of the decision is wise.

I disagree that it has nothing to do with dh. As the children's father and main earner, he has a right to his opinion, although ultimately he can't demand an abortion.

Tread carefully op. Good luck.

This.

FWIW I would have an abortion but I’m not
sentimental about unborn babies. But it’s your body and your choice.

Absolutely do not have an abortion you don't want for a dude who could leave you and have another family with someone else..

If he is worth having he will get over this and be a good dad to your new one.

Congratulations, btw.

Ultimately it's your body, your choice, and that is part of being pro-choice.

Keep the pregnancy and prepare for life as a single mother of three very young children. He can't shirk his financial responsibilities, it I wouldn't expect him to be parent of the year.

He's entitled to an opinion. A short-term, stressed reaction is understandable - you both felt an abortion was that "right" choice on paper.

If his business can't stretch to a 3rd, then it might not have been able to bare other life-changing events either, and perhaps the stability of employment is needed.

In any event, this is ultimately your decision. Its a difficult moment, but you shouldn't waiver. I'm seldom a "trust your gut" person, but the weight of proceeding with an abortion you are even somewhat unsure on, could be devastating.

Hopefully DH works through his feelings and can be supportive, ASAP.

What's with these posters essentially saying "oh well, if OP ends up a single mum, it'll be her own fault for going against DH's wishes"?!

I mean what?! Are we really saying it's legitimate for a man to walk out in his wife and 2 existing children because his wife doesn't want to abort? What about his commitments to his family!!

I was sympathetic to both of you, as it is such a difficult situation, until I read that he hadnt bothered to get the vasectomy you both agreed he would get. Sex can result in pregnancy and contraception can fail, a vasectomy (which lets face it only he can get) is the only way to prevent it.

He knows this and could have made sure that pregnancy didnt happen and chose not to. He has to suck up the consequences. I wonder if part of the reason for his mood is because deep down, he knows he could have prevented this.

It's not his decision if she has the baby or not.

Men never blame themselves for a pregnancy. They think women get pregnant on their own.

You e got 2 under 3 of course you contribute and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
Good luck with whatever decision you make

I’ve had three close friends in situations similar to your position. One didn’t want to have an abortion, her Mum found out what was going on, rang her DH’s Mum and went nuclear, his Mum rang him and went nuclear, and that put a swift end to his pressuring her to terminate. He actually came round during the pregnancy, said he’d just been scared, and all was fine.
The other two terminated. One of those was completely broken by the decision, the relationship ended and she has never had children, the other was ok but sad years later because she also never got pregnant again.
Personally I feel that amongst my other friends, the ones who were totally sure they wanted to terminate were ok , the ones who felt pretty wobbly or who really didn’t want to, weren’t. So I think that if you want the baby, have the baby.
Your DH could have had the snip, he didn’t get round to it. Contraception fails, if he felt so strongly that he didn’t want a third baby he should have had that talk with you and not had sex until he’d had the snip, or used condoms alongside your contraception. He didn’t , so there you go.
I would not have had a termination and I made that crystal clear to DH when we first started sleeping together, so he had to accept that or not be with me. It’s a bit different when you already have children but adults know that contraception is not fail safe, and expecting the woman you love to go and have an abortion she doesn’t want is wrong. He can say it’s not ideal timing, but it’s your body.
Hopefully he will get his head round it OP.

This is the best advice I’ve seen tbh.

This, 100%.
Now that you're pregnant, you need support from him to give you the emotional space to make your personal choice, whatever that may be. The time for him to say no and his reasons became largely irrelevant the moment you had sex.

Perhaps what you should be talking about are what practical measures you both need individually and as a family to be able to handle the situation that you're in.

If he won't engage then I suspect your relationship is done, no matter what your pregnancy decision. Ultimately he needs to take responsibility or risk watching another man raise his children.

Sadly true. I have seen some shocking posts from the manosphere about "sperm theft" like the women forced them to ejaculate without a condom or a vasectomy!

ETA there was one, will see if I can find it, that suggested that had he known she would refuse to have an abortion he wouldn't have had sex with her so it was non consensual and therefore rape....... blew my fucking mind.

Have you had tests to confirm the health of the foetus?

From the OP:

"hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat"

I think you need to decide which is going to be better for you: being a single mother to two children and a single mother to three. Unless your husband has a change of heart I think those are your own two options unfortunately.

If he is generally a decent man and father, he will most likely come round. If he’s not, getting divorced with three kids isn’t wildly different to getting divorced with two.

My dad didn’t talk to my mum for two days when she found out she was pregnant with number 3. In all fairness I think she was being less than careful with the pill, ahem.
Anyway, baby arrived and dad was absolutely besotted. Baby bro is still kind of the favourite to this day.
My parents did ultimately get divorced, but I know dad wouldn’t be without the third child for anything.

I bet he’s still not dropped those forms off for a vasectomy either has he?

him preventing a pregnancy wasn’t something he truly saw as his problem. Well now you don’t want an abortion.

his only choice is to leave his family or to have to feed that child.

Where on earth do you live?!

Absent parents are still obliged to "feed" the children after leaving the family home.

(and that's two choices, btw)

Equally, lots of people do regret an abortion, but it doesn't 'break them '. It becomes one of those things you wish had been different, but wasn't, and as such is something you just move along with and from. Knowing it was the most sensible decision for the majority of people at the time.

On balance, I would say a settled family of 4 is better than a disrupted family of 5.

It isnt, its one choice with two options btw