DH wants to abort, I don’t

[ccd90]

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing.

We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1.

Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed.

I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job.

It’s impossible to talk to him right now.

I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart.

I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for).

I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

What are you plans for returning to work?
Have you had tests to confirm the health of the foetus?
Do you have help when you suffer PND?
Has DP considered a vasectomy?
Can you assist with the buainess more?

You are.both being honest.

Praying for you OP, every baby is a blessing and you should be guilt tripped or forced into something you don’t want to do. I promise you; if you have this abortion, you’ll resent him forever.

God bless you on whatever decision you make but please don’t feel obligated to have an abortion unless you truly believe that is what you want.

@ccd90 THIS IS IMPORTANT! What has your Dr. advised about your coil… being pregnant with a coil in situ can lead to miscarriage,ectopic or pregnancy complications down to eg.infection risk. Please make sure you have had advise about this !

What is your husband's role in the family? Is he the sole breadwinner?
" he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job."
Is the business failing to really make enough money to provide for you all? Is he actually having to work all hours to make enough?
How much does your depression mean he has to support you?

I don't think you should just get an abortion because he wants you to get one, but I also think you hold all the power here. Like it's your body, he can't force you into an abortion, but what affect does another child have on him? Does it mean that he has to earn even more, and you won't share that load because you will be at home with the kids? That's clearly a worthy thing to be doing, but if your husband is working all hours at a job he finding hard and feeling like he's failing, that's important for you to be acknowledging. You can quite literally give him another mouth and his only choice is to leave his family or to have to feed that child. You need to talk through who needs to do what and what they can really cope with!

how would you feel if, having gone through the abortion, he ups and leaves anyway a year or two down the line? I have a feeling that is what might happen anyway

If he was that against you getting pregnant again, he wouldn't have kept forgetting to take the forms in for the vasectomy. I'm so sorry, @ccd90 , you're in such a difficult position. You obviously have enough foresight to know that having the abortion would almost certainly lead to the end of your marriage anyway (I'm also very pro-choice, by the way).

It's up to you, your choice.

I'd be considering if you felt that the marriage had a good chance of continuing before this happened or not, I think if you were forced, it would be hard to forgive.
He's said he would give up the business and get a normal job. Would that be possible.. Would you be worse off or better off... maybe less uncertainty. Is that something he would have had to do anyway? If so , its unfair to lay it at your door. And its laying all the blame for his struggles with the business on you and on this choice. That's not fair at all. If its that precarious, what was he planning to do about it before this happened?
I agree with posters saying give it a bit of time if you can.

This happened to me. He told me he would leave me. I walked out of my abortion appt. I booked us some counselling. He finally came round. We kept the baby. Baby is amazing, I could never have aborted. PM me if you want

He shouldnt have sex if he is so against the third child that its making him so nasty towards his wife.

I think this is a very good idea, good luck @ccd90 I really hope it all works out for you both 💐

There is no easy answer but I’d say you definitely cannot have an abortion you don’t want. Especially recovering from PND.

To be brutal about it, if your DH didn’t want the risk of another baby, she shouldn’t have had sex.

I am very pro choice, I had an abortion a long time ago when I was in uni. But there’s no way I’d have one now. After having my kids, I just couldn’t imagine going through with it now unless there was a medical need. DH doesn’t want any more kids (and neither do I in an ideal world) but he has sex with me knowing that if an accident happened, we’d be buying more baby gear!

I think you need to do what is best for you right now. Not worry about future what ifs. At the end of the day, you can’t go through with an abortion right now. So that’s it.

These men are so annoying. He messed up himself by not getting a vasectomy and even though you have a coil, if he didn't want another DC he should have put a condom on.

Oh, but it is all the woman's fault of course.

Shit idea to everyone who thinks LTB. Putting your existing kids through the terrible trauma of a divorce and a broken home being dragged from one home to another with shared custody and even less money to look after them.
the 3rd child will find out that they are the cause of this and be traumatised.
Bloody hell.
Actually I think its pretty selfish having a 3rd child only you want.
Arent two healthy children enough. What if this one is severely disabled?
Id like a 3rd cat....I cant afford one so I stick to 2 that I can afford. Same with kids.

What a sad situation but you should make the best decision for you. Realistically you would need to prepare to possibly be a single parent of 3 under 4 will you mentally cope if you already hav pnd? Financially? How will you feel if you end up with 50/50 custody or the father never having the kids? My ex chooses to have extremely limited contact its exhausting being full time single parent and theres nothing I can do to increase contact

Forgot to add my husband adores our baby now and smothers them in kisses and says thank goodness you are here, you were meant to be. You mean the world to me

Not sure if this is relevant but I found going from 2 to 3 considerably easier than going from 1 to 2.

I was in a situation like this and I can only speak for myself but because I didn’t choose to have a termination I’ve spent all these years regretting that I didn’t stand up and and tell then partner to fuck off.
I had weeks of him sending me photos of him looking sad and he was off work because he couldn’t cope with everything. It was all so horrible for him and he didn’t think he’d be able to carry on if I didn’t terminate

decide what is best for you a lifetime of regrets is not a good thing to live with

edit to add: I did have a termination but was not my choice.

Have the baby, pnd doesn't necessarily follow
Your body, your choice, don't live with abortion regret

I was in a similar position, although I possibly didn't feel quite as strongly as OP.

Ultimately we made the decision to abort as the best thing for our whole family. I would have kept it if it was down to me. It was hard. But I have definitely "forgiven myself" and I don't regret it. Your hormones are racing around your body and I did feel like I wanted to keep it on a deep emotional level. But it would have ended up in me blowing up our lives and that has consequences that you can also regret. Take some time. Be kind to yourself whatever you decide. Of course it is your body your choice but that decision has a huge impact on your DH and other DCs. Whatever you do I can't recommend counselling enough. Statements that pronounce what you'll definitely think x or y in the future aren't helpful in my view. Whatever you decide then the mindset you have to reflect on those decisions is yours to be in control of.

Let me tell you that I was pressured into an abortion by my previous partner. It's broken me as a person and I'd do anything to change what I did. I'll never get my baby back and they'll never have a future I could've given them. I've had a son since but my first never leaves my heart. If you want this baby then you keep it! Don't ever let a man take away your baby. If he's a good man he will get over the shock and support you. If he doesn't and leaves then trust me you can do this yourself. I'm pro choice for women btw

How long will your savings last as a single mum running your own home?

OP, when you woke up this morning and saw you had a big bleed, were you relieved that you might not need to go through with the abortion and nature had sorted it. Or were you really worried that you were losing the pregnancy?

You don’t have to answer, but thinking about that might guide you to your answer of what to do and also what your mindset might be afterwards if you have the abortion.

You shouldn’t have an abortion you don’t want.
But are you prepared to be a single mum of 3?

DO NOT BE BULLIED INTO AN ABORTION BY THIS MAN!!!!!
If you even have the tiniest shred of doubt, dont do it. Men will use any tactic they can to coerce you into an abortion. Trust me, ,I've been there and I have never and will never forgive myself for falling for his emotional blackmail. I'll kill myself, I'll leave you, I can't cope, you can't cope, we cant afford it, you'll have a miscarriage or a disabled baby, you're forcing me to have a baby I dont want, blah blah blah blah blah.......
As soon as I'd gone through with it he acted like nothing had ever happened. I hate him so much for this and it was the beginning of the end for us Your relationship will never been the same again if you go through with it. You will always hate that he forced you to make a decision that you were not 100% on board with. He is supposed to love and support you through anything and everything but instead he's giving you ultimatums.
Pathetic man.

Agree with this, he has told you it feels like it will be too much, and in my limited experience, 3 children can be a tipping point for some marriages (and the making of some, I'm sure). If you don't want an abortion, you shouldn't, but you might need to have the family of 3 children you want on your own.