DH wants to abort, I don’t

[ccd90]

8 weeks pregnant due to contraception failing.

We have 2 DC’s, one is 3, one is 1.

Abortion was booked for Thursday then this morning I had a big bleed, hospital scanned me and saw a baby with a strong heartbeat and no reason for the big bleed.

I have come home and told DH I cannot go through with abortion. He’s not happy. He said I’m only thinking of myself, he doesn’t want the baby, he’s saying he going to close our business down as he can’t deal with the stress and he’s going to go get a “normal” job.

It’s impossible to talk to him right now.

I haven’t been 100% sure about the abortion right from the very beginning and then today I walked out of the hospital knowing I had to keep this baby otherwise I was going to break my own heart.

I am in such a shit situation. I don’t know what to do for the best. If I have the abortion, I’ll resent him and we’ll end up splitting anyway. If I carry on with the pregnancy and he’s unsupportive then I think I will end up with pre and post natal depression (I’ve had PND since baby was born a year ago which I am currently getting help for).

I wish he could just hug me and say we’ve got this, we will make it work. I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do.

This!
Neither of them is in the wrong feeling how they feel. Trying to apportion blame isn’t helpful and I assume OP loves her DH and him her through this a difficult situation. But encouraging her to go into a conversation with a combative attitude isn’t going to help an already emotionally fraught time.

This! Nail on head.

How could you have the baby if he doesn't want it as he would be the one paying for it?

He is entitled to an opinion but ultimately it’s your choice and you do not have to do anything to your body that you do not want to.

I would weigh up the implications and make sure that your decision is the right one for you and your children, as either way it’s life changing. Having someone completely independent as a sound board (ideally a professional) I think would be helpful as everyone has their own bias that you don’t need introducing. Maybe speak independently with them and then together as a couple, but remember no matter how reasonable they or anyone else sounds, it’s your decision.

He should have thought about that before having sex and not turning in his forms to have the snip.

The final decision is OPs, as it should be.

Me too, it's the absolute worst. I went to the clinic and after sitting for ages in that heavily silent waiting room with only my thoughts for company I lost my nerve and went home, which was still the hardest decision I ever had to make as I knew the impact it would have on my life and the risks to my health. Sending love and support.

Don't have an abortion against your will because he wants it.

Pro-choice goes in both directions.

its also the existing kids loss if their dad leaves

Yes. And tho the marriage may end either way, being a single parent of two is different to being a single parent of two and a baby.

OP is is such a shit situation I really feel for her.

The final decision is the Mother's, of course and she should never be forced to do anything she doesn't want to do but contraception failing is not solely the fault of the Father, they are jointly responsible. I'm getting a little bit sick and tired of seeing the Father's right to an opinion getting completely dismissed on this thread when they made a joint decision to have sex. It's a dreadful situation for both.

I would consider whether you actually want the baby or not.

I went for years knowing that if I ever fell pregnant I would get rid of it. There is not one tiny part of me that would ever have another baby but I fell pregnant and just did not want to go through with the termination.

I forced myself and it was the best decision I could have made but I was shocked at myself how traumatic and emotional I found it leading up to it - even though I was 100% certain.

Why are lots of people assuming I have no money to my name? I did work before I had children, I have savings and inheritance. When I say I don’t bring in any money I meant that I don’t bring in a wage. I still contribute financially, I pay for the family holiday every year out of inheritance and savings. I can contribute financially, it was just agreed that I wouldn’t work or do so until I go back to work. DH’s business is earning well, it’s not a failing business.

Agreed.

Of course he is entitled to share views like pros and cons. But that's not how your post reads. It reads like you think he is allowed input into whether she aborts and he isn't.

Don’t have an abortion you don’t want.
This.

Right but DH doesn't want another child so obviously not going to agree to it or paying for it. Or does OP plan to try to force him to pay? And become single while being mentally ill and looking after 2 children already.

I really feel for you OP but you need to listen to him as much as he needs to listen to you. The final decision to abort or not is your body/your choice.

But at the same time either choice has consequences. It really is a pick the worst choice situation.

In your situation with two very young kids, MH issues and a husband who is concerned about supporting you all, I think the practical decision is clear.

Well if you have the funds to do so and want to be a single mum to three then go for it. Get your ducks in their rows and get your and the kids sorted.

You poor thing. Have your baby and walk away. Pressure to abort is certainly grounds . i hope you can confide in your family. Let him leave the family home, x

I saw that you're currently having help for PND. What support have you had while you've been suffering from it (practical support, family helping out, etc.)?

This! If you go ahead with the termination you will always resent him and rightfully so! I’m so sorry you are going through this OP.

Exactly this. He didn't "forget", he just couldn't be arsed. Or he intentionally didn't do it as he didn't want to have a procedure. But turns out he's totally okay subjecting his wife to an abortion she doesn't want. What is with these men who are so horrified by the idea of a vasectomy that they don't do it, even when they say they will, but think an abortion is akin to getting a tooth pulled.

Best of luck, OP. Hope your decision is the right one for you 💛

Yes, manipulate. Threatening to close his business as a response to a pregnancy is manipulative. Although, it would be better for @ccd90 because it will be easier to get CM.

How would I feel. I would talk to my partner about my worries and fears. Not call them selfish and threatening our financial stability.

Thankfully my H wouldn't put me in this position. We decided we didn't want anymore and he got a vasectomy. He didn't want me to have any more gyne procedures after 7 years of IVF, miscarriages, D&Cs, pregnancies and labours.

This is a horrible situation for the both of you.

Your husband is obviously very stressed thinking of having another mouth to feed, my dh is self employed and I can see where hes coming from, depending on the business especially in this economy it can be very unpredictable month to month. And he was probably seeing that there would have been two incomes in the near future when your youngest turns 2 but thats out the window for another 3 years now so thats another worry.
You both need to sit down together and talk this through and work this out sooner rather than later.

Life isn't that black and white.

He is allowed to have an opinion.

The choice to abort is hers alone. The consequences of either decision impact both of them.

If she ends up a single mum to 3 very young children she could end up resenting the child or her own decision. Especially with PND/MH issues.

Sometimes we need to make least worst decisions that we are not happy with.