AIBU? Upset DH actions around my surgery

[CucumberNova]

I'm due for keyhole surgery in the morning. It's a laparoscopy and a couple other related things for endometriosis (and also fertility, as myself and DH have been trying for a second child for quite some time now). I'm upset at his actions (or lack thereof) and wondering if others would be upset or if I'm being too sensitive? I have to be at the hospital for 7am and it's a 16 minute walk. Or a 3 minute drive. I can't take my car as my husband needs it to take our DD to childcare and then get to work. And pick me up later as I won't be able to drive. We usually wake our DD (2 years old) up around 6:50 anyway so I suggested we could just wake her, get straight in the car, drop me off and then he can get her ready for childcare drop off aboht 8am. But he says it will make him a bit late for work. He says I should get an Uber but I'm not sure there will be any at that time in the morning so I'll be walking myself there. It's not just that though, he went off to bed just after that discussion, like he often does, leaving me to do all the end of day cleaning and lunches for next day. He also hasn't really asked me about the surgery, how I'm feeling, etc, im not even sure he knows what procedure I'm having. So feeling quite low and upset. However I know this week will be difficult for him with me being incapacitated, him working and our toddler to take care of (although she does go to daycare). AIBU?

Hmm! Don't think you're being over sensitive OP, I think your DH is being a selfish git!

Why doesn't he know what surgery you're having, and why? Do you not talk to each other, or isn't he interested, and if not, why not?

Personally, when he went off to bed I would have followed him up there, and told him that if he doesn't care enough to ensure that I get safely to surgery in the morning, then he's not much of a husband, and in view of that, I would be taking the car, and HE can get an Uber when he's ready to come and fetch it! It sounds like you're allowing him to treat you as a bit of a doormat OP, so once your operation is out of the way, I think you need to sit down together and have a talk about how things are going to be in the future.

Is he always so self absorbed that he doesn't know what's going on with your health?

If i can walk i would just walk

It might be he's stressed and doesn't want to talk, but he really needs to be better. What was he like when you were giving birth-is he usually this unsupportive?
I've always found Uber ok at any time, but maybe if you're in a different kind of area, it's not the same?

And what about the rest of her H's uncaring and disinterested behaviour that OP has outlined?

I agree with @GrantMyWishes OP. Your H is being incredibly selfish.

Thank you. I'm not sure, I suppose he probably knows vaguely what's going on but he doesn't really ask. I know if it was the other way around I would have been a bit more supportive. He does seem quite stressed after work and its a bit like trying to have conversation with a brick wall. More interested in his phone a lot of the time. Honestly its a bit like living with a teenager sometimes!
We have discussed things previously about helping me out more (I work 36 hours a week as well). Things improve for a short time and then slide back. And if I don't do what needs doing, it just doesnt get done, if that makes sense!
He will have to after tomorrow though as I will be unlikely to be of much use for a couple days at least!

Some men can be useless when it comes to caregiving instincts. I’m sure if the situation were reversed you wouldn’t dream of making him walk or catch an uber.

@seahorsessky he was good then, and he can be, sometimes though just very distant and it feels difficult to break through. Trying not to read much into it but I am a little disappointed

Thank you @SomethingNewish . Ive been quite unwell today and yesterday with related sickness and I have other health problems on top so walking is a little more difficult than average person probably. But its the principle too - general feeling of fending for myself!

@BibbityBoppityTwo yes thats probably it - i know I'd know exactly what was going on and would 100% drop him off and pick him up! The closeness of the hospital by car is the thing that baffles me in a way, would add maybe ten minutes on for him. Probably less!

I think that’s a big part of the hurt in these situations — when you feel they’re not being reciprocal in the relationship. It doesn’t really matter whether you could technically walk or not, it’s just about feeling reciprocal levels of care and concern.

It’s moments like this that show what level of care someone has for you. His behaviour is appalling just sodding off to bed and saying get an uber.

I would walk to the hospital alone. And not forget how I had been treated.

I know this is not the point of the thread, but I found peppermint tea so helpful for laparoscopy recovery as it helps with any trapped air. Hope your surgery goes well

@trasd yes I may do, I was thinking that. Downside is I'll have to leave so early i will miss saying goodmorning and goodbye to my daughter :(

Thanks @3within3 ive heard the gas pains are quite bad! Will remember that!

@BibbityBoppityTwo yeah definitely. I often get left doing these things and he's already asleep by the time I get up to bed. He has a more physically demanding job than I do and I know he gets tired. But I work a lot too! Although from other posts ive seen it seems a very typical (although unfair) husband /wife dynamic unfortunately

Now that you know you're not being overly sensitive OP, what are you going to do, I hope you're not still planning on walking to the hospital alone?

The fact that you've been unwell over the last couple of days, should surely have him saying 'Of course I'll run you to the hospital, love. Is there anything else you need me to do?' Go and wake the selfish pig up, and tell him you need his support, and you don't feel you're getting it. Why should he go to bed and sleep soundly, while you're not only feeling unwell, but also feeling uncared for, and probably unloved into the bargain?

Can I ask how long you've been together OP, and how old you both are?

Forgot to say, hope all goes well tomorrow OP.

There are ways to factor in different energy levels at different times of the day. My partner handles everything that needs to be done at night because I’m very dysfunctional then. He does the dishes, the school lunches, etc. He’s dreadful in the mornings, so I get up in while he sleeps in and get the kids ready for school and out the door. It took a while to come to this negotiation, and it wasn’t always an equal division, but we got there eventually. The other person has to be willing, though, and not see all these jobs as yours by default.

and you want to have another child with this man? …the mind boggles.

If he doesn't know what operation your having, why do you think he's going pick up housework while you recover? He's went to bed knowing your having an op tomorrow and not interested, have you communicated that he has to do the nightime tidy up and do lunches etc? I wouldn't be trying to have more kids with someone who can't give you ten minutes in the morning of op. Your already ignored and not helped in house, this behaviour will just get worse surely?

Also, night before and op and his stress is about work, that's what he's focusing on ,Not his wife?

He's a selfish and lazy arse.
He has form.
Is very attached to his phone.

Think long and hard about inflicting him on another child.

Unfortunately, I have to say it would be downright stupid to actively try to conceive a second child with this man until he's changed his behaviour.

From what you've said he's not engaged or invested in family life and he's certainly not showing any care for you, all of which is unacceptable and doesn't demonstrate love. Adding another child to the situation as it stands will only make things much worse.

Hope all goes well for you @CucumberNova but I think I would be wondering about having another child with him.

Well he won’t. Past performance is the best indicator of future performance.

Honestly I’m shocked at his indifference to you.