AIBU? Upset DH actions around my surgery

[CucumberNova]

I'm due for keyhole surgery in the morning. It's a laparoscopy and a couple other related things for endometriosis (and also fertility, as myself and DH have been trying for a second child for quite some time now). I'm upset at his actions (or lack thereof) and wondering if others would be upset or if I'm being too sensitive? I have to be at the hospital for 7am and it's a 16 minute walk. Or a 3 minute drive. I can't take my car as my husband needs it to take our DD to childcare and then get to work. And pick me up later as I won't be able to drive. We usually wake our DD (2 years old) up around 6:50 anyway so I suggested we could just wake her, get straight in the car, drop me off and then he can get her ready for childcare drop off aboht 8am. But he says it will make him a bit late for work. He says I should get an Uber but I'm not sure there will be any at that time in the morning so I'll be walking myself there. It's not just that though, he went off to bed just after that discussion, like he often does, leaving me to do all the end of day cleaning and lunches for next day. He also hasn't really asked me about the surgery, how I'm feeling, etc, im not even sure he knows what procedure I'm having. So feeling quite low and upset. However I know this week will be difficult for him with me being incapacitated, him working and our toddler to take care of (although she does go to daycare). AIBU?

I couldnt get upset about the walk.In fact it might help calm your nerves etc and it’s a v short walk. However,the rest is unforgivable and you dont seem to be connected to each other.I would seriously reconsider having a second child .Im sorry to say this, but sounds like he doesnt want one anyway.

I’ve had three of these - only very minor pain in the shoulder area. You should recover fairly quickly but don’t do too much. I ended up with an infection after my last one - that made me feel far worse than the surgery.

I'm going to bet that he's used to handling the bulk of childcare and jobs around the house and he's got far too comfortable and used to it, taking you for granted.

It's wake up call time.

I would probably just call an uber or walk, but I wouldn't be happy about it, but, I would take my time recovering (as you should anyway). I would let him struggle and sit in a chair watching. When I could see the household slipping, I'd write him a list, so he'd know what to do to get on top of it.

Vacuum, rinse plates, put the washing on, wash the dishes, dry the dishes, wipe down the sink, feed the cat. The only thing I would start to do as you recover, is things like watching TV with your child, or reading them a bedtime story.

You DO need to recover fully, so DO NOT rush in the slightest, milk it as much as you can. It might just help with him starting to appreciate everything you do.

I hope your surgery goes well.

Seems quite uncaring of him. I'm not sure why dropping you off would make him late for work, surely he just gets up 10 minutes earlier to leave time to drop you off, even if it means you're getting dropped off before 7am?

I wouldn't feel too sorry for him having to step up this week whilst your recover. It sounds like you also work and are doing the lion's share of housework and childcare the majority of the time. I'm sure he can cope for a week or two; if he were single he would have to do all this stuff for himself as well as his physically demanding job

I hope your surgery goes well and you have a speedy recovery.

My thoughts exactly
I would not be planning another child with this man
Sort out your issues first
It will be 100 times worse with 2 children
@CucumberNova

You deserve better than this and your child deserves better than this. You would want your child to have the whole world, a partner who would make them feel loved and cared for - you deserve that too. Please take some time to think about how this attitude might impact you and your child at different stages in your lives, and really consider if giving another child this man as a father is the right thing to do.

I don't think its worth getting your small child in and out for a 15 min walk.

When I had investigations for gynea issues, my DH was also a bit insensitive at first. Didn't know the physical and emotional toil until he came with me to a hysteroscopy. That horrified him and it only then dawned on him how horrible these things are.

When I had my hysterectomy 2 years later, he couldn't do more for me.

I think you can just walk tomorrow, it will be good to clear your head a bit. But then sit him down and talk to him properly about the severity of these types of procedures.

I think this sort of thing lets men off the hook far too easily.

I don’t have natural caregiving instincts. But if I love someone I will take care of them when needed (and this is needed) because I’m not a selfish git.

Being “a bit late for work” when someone is having surgery is something any employer would understand and should be fine with.

I think his general uncaring attitude is poor. However I would’ve booked a taxi if its only 3 minutes away or walked if it made my dc and dh morning routine run the way it usually does.

Good luck with your op, OP.

I had keyhole surgery earlier this year and DH took me to the hospital at 7am (two DC came with), took the day off work so he could collect me when I was ready and then did all the housework and cooking etc., as you would expect. I think that’s just normal, decent behaviour really from a life partner.

I feel like this just makes excuses for men. Some men are just useless full stop. Hence why some women are giving up and there’s a ‘male loneliness epidemic’ and the birth rate are falling.

He’s being selfish and unsupportive. It sounds like he just doesn’t care about you. If it was my partner I’d definitely be checking in with them, asking how they’re feeling and would make sure I drove them to the hospital in the morning, unless the specifically said they were happy to walk. I’d also make sure they got an early night and not have to do all the cleaning up before bed. You’re definitely not being over sensitive

I hope your op goes well.
Please don’t be on MN in a couple of years saying how selfish he is with 2 children.

When I had surgery last month my husband dropped me and went in to work slightly late. He just told his boss he was dropping me for surgery...surely that's expected from a spouse?!

He collected me afterwards too, then wfh (he is usually in work 5 days a week) so he could look after me. I thought the making me meals and cups of tea and not letting me lift a finger was a bit overkill but it seems from reading this thread that I am married to a very rare capable adult and not a selfish man child!

Your husband is a selfish b. YANBU you are under-reacting.
YABU to describe him doing something as ‘helping you out’. Why is it not ‘executing his responsibilities as a husband and father’?
YABU to carry on with the end of day cleaning and the lunches for tomorrow. Go to bed, you are unwell. He has obviously chosen to sort out the lunches and finish the cleaning tomorrow - shame you won’t be around to ‘help him out’
Mostly YABVU to have another child with him when he can’t be a good husband and father the one he has. He prefers his phone FFS!

Why would it make him late? The nursery drop off time doesn’t change.

I hope all has gone well.

I had this surgery and they found and removed endometriosis. The pain after was awful. I couldn’t stand straight for about 2 weeks. Get some peppermint tea to help with the gas pain.

Hopefully your husband will be better on the aftermath of it.