AIBU? Upset DH actions around my surgery

[CucumberNova]

I'm due for keyhole surgery in the morning. It's a laparoscopy and a couple other related things for endometriosis (and also fertility, as myself and DH have been trying for a second child for quite some time now). I'm upset at his actions (or lack thereof) and wondering if others would be upset or if I'm being too sensitive? I have to be at the hospital for 7am and it's a 16 minute walk. Or a 3 minute drive. I can't take my car as my husband needs it to take our DD to childcare and then get to work. And pick me up later as I won't be able to drive. We usually wake our DD (2 years old) up around 6:50 anyway so I suggested we could just wake her, get straight in the car, drop me off and then he can get her ready for childcare drop off aboht 8am. But he says it will make him a bit late for work. He says I should get an Uber but I'm not sure there will be any at that time in the morning so I'll be walking myself there. It's not just that though, he went off to bed just after that discussion, like he often does, leaving me to do all the end of day cleaning and lunches for next day. He also hasn't really asked me about the surgery, how I'm feeling, etc, im not even sure he knows what procedure I'm having. So feeling quite low and upset. However I know this week will be difficult for him with me being incapacitated, him working and our toddler to take care of (although she does go to daycare). AIBU?

Seconded. Astounding.

Seriously: I agree with people saying don’t have a second child with this man. You deserve so much better! Take care of your health. Work hard on your career. Snd get ready to leave. He is utterly selfish.

@CucumberNova Ask him to reiterate what your surgery is, what it involves and what he has researched regarding your aftercare.

Well I’d certainly be following him upstairs and asking him to help with the end of day stuff! Do you walk on eggshells around him? I can’t understand why you wouldn’t point out that the tasks weren’t finished yet and you have to be up early for surgery. And he’s awful for not acknowledging that properly.

Sorry he’s being useless OP. I think people make excuses for men who are like this, but really they’re just selfish and uncaring. They know how to show they care really, they just don’t think they need to bother. They’re not idiots, and the only man who ever acted like that around me admitted he knew exactly what he was doing … eventually.

Not that this is central, but personally I would just walk. I always take anny opportunity for a walk so that part wouldn’t bother me. But I’d certainly expect my husband to care and show an interest!

I don't understand as others have said why you are having another child with him. He seems to be checked out as it is

What a difficult situation you find yourself in. As if the stress of surgery isn’t enough, you’ve got the fact that your husband seems to have ‘checked out’ of daily life too.
I was just coming on to wish you luck for your surgery but also to say, please don’t underestimate your recovery. I’m 2 weeks post laparoscopic surgery and the recovery has been far tougher than I expected. Do you have other family who can step up if your husband falls short of the mark?

So your DH has always been a dick really. He is consistent if nothing else. And why thinking of bringing another child with him is a good idea is on the table is a tad worrying

Why on earth are you considering having another child with this waste of space?

He went to bed while the end-of-day cleanup was ongoing ?!! This is so selfish. I would be outraged at this. It sounds like all the housework is falling on you. Even though you also work outside the home. And even though you’re not feeling tip-top. This is not fair.
if you have another child together presumably all the work of a newborn and a toddler will fall to you too?

hope the surgery goes well. I hope he steps up afterwards!

You are correct in stating that it seems to be the dynamic that woman work and take care of kids and the home and cooking and cleaning.
Men go to work, and anything extra is seen as babysitting and helping their wife.
That is because the women whose husbands pull their weight and take responsibility for all of the above, are not on here moaning about their husbands being lazy, uninvolved and clueless.
Are you sure you want another child with this man? You seem resigned to the fact that the majority of grunt work is your job.
Men like this are basically a burden.
He not interested in getting you to the hospital because it means him accepting you might need a bit of care, and that takes attention away from him and gives him responsibilities he doesn’t want, when he could be playing on his phone and acting like household chores are done by a magic fairy.
Good luck with your procedure.

From over 25 years experience, it doesn’t get better. .
Dont have another child with him, and good luck for the surgery.

Best of luck for the surgery op.

DH is not being kind.

I had surgery when my 2 kids had recently turned 4 and 1. My DH was amazing. I arranged for my lovely friend to drop me off for 7 am so DH could stay home with the kids and get them ready for nursery. Then he had no problem picking me up when the time came regardless of work. I then had a 3 week recovery over Christmas while nursery was shut and he was so helpful.

As others have said, please reconsider having a second child with this man.

Best of luck for your procedure. Take your time to recover, don’t be too capable, tell him plainly what you expect him to do and hold him to it. Start as you mean to go on.

And you want to have more kids with this bell end? Madness!!!

I hope it goes well for you tomorrow but this is your sign to think very carefully before having more children with this lazy and uncaring man.

The last thing I want to do while fasting and nervous is go on a walk. I would want to drink some water and not be able to quench my thirst.

He should be driving you, even if it makes him late to work. It’s not unheard of to even take a day off if your spouse is having surgery.

This response is late but ubers are available most of the time. Just book one and save yourself the stress. Hope the procedure goes well

I’ve learnt with my dh I have to tell him what I want rather than suggest it. ‘ hospital is at x time if you want tge car for nursery run etc you will need to drop me off at 7”
with regards to housework, about 2 years ago we split the chores and now I just leave him to it. It means they don’t always get done when I want but I don’t think about them.
Bit easier though as our kids are past the toddler stage.
Good luck with the surgery

So he will be a bit late for work. That's what you do when your other half needs taking to hospital for surgery.

walk. Don’t make the lunches. He can manage it himself. Good luck, hes a shit x

I think when people hear keyhole and home on the same day they think it’s something routine and so don’t think about the worries you’ll have. I’ve definitely been like that to my mum at times, I’ll be relieved when I hear she’s not in overnight and so think it’s not something that warrants the worry that goes with a few days in

Sorry OP but you need to grow a backbone. I just wouldn’t be doing everything while he goes to bed, the resentment will make you sick in the long run. With his general behaviour plus this surgery situation I’d be letting him know things have to change - giving him a timeframe and if things don’t change I’d have to separate. Who wants a life of being an unpaid maid and doormat?

Thirded!!

Good luck OP