Friend has cancelled on me last minute

[hungryowl]

Due to go away this weekend from Friday to Monday. Friend has been having rocky patch with husband. She has messaged me today saying she can no longer come as she needs to focus on her family and not have a boozy weekend away. I paid for the whole thing and she was going to cover activities. She has just done me a bank transfer for the full amount so I’m not out of pocket.

We have had many outings before but in the message she specified that at 42 she no longer really fancies boozy weekends and she feels that I haven’t made an effort to reach out at all in recent months and just doesn’t want to go anymore! I think she’s peri menopausal but it should be no excuse cancelling last minute. I wanted a break away from my family as well. I have told her she needs to prepare more for her kids going to uni this month and preparing for empty nest feelings. I don’t like her husband and have been questioning her relationship with him to her whilst they have been arguing and advising heavily to leave him because as she’s getting older she’s now going to pottery and walking groups and spending more and more time with him and I feel like we are losing our connection. I want to go out and be social like we normally are and she’s being extremely boring. Her husband has issues with me because I had an affair but was fine with me before now he seems to think I am a scary influence.

AIBU to just cut her off now?

This absolutely. You are not a good friend and I don’t blame her for not wanting to spend time with you!

😂

Be cross I get it but DO NOT storm around there to find out what’s going on.

say her husband has been controlling and abusive and has told her not to go, You turning up is going to make things 100 times

If she’s trying to manage her drinking and doesn’t want to be exposed to those situations you turning up and being angry is going to kill the friendship

You turning up and being angry is going to kill the friendship anyway

I get you are Cross I get you’re frustrated but you need to calm down. Try and see it from her perspective and maybe try and find another person that drinks excessively to the level that you do.

Sounds like shes grown out of clubbing and boozing.
Is your friendship dependant on going out and being drunk together?

She's paying 100% of the costs of the weekend just to get away from you. Leave her alone and do not, under any circumstances go to her bloody house.

Yes but maybe not one which involves boozy dinners and clubs? She’s obviously grown out of it and you haven’t, so just let it be.

How old are you OP? Is there an age gap in this friendship? I am 44, I can think of nothing I would want to do less at 42 then go to clubs and bars! Do something cultural, spa's, fine food, bit of history yes, but I am not in my 20's. The easiest thing to do to not drink is to not hang around people that drink. I am not surprised your friend cancelled, the trip sounds draining, you sound demanding and it is full of activities a lot of people in their 40s do not want to do. She paid for the whole trip, find someone else to go with. And if you cannot find someone else that does not want to do those activities then clearly you are the anomaly and people should not be made to do activities they don't want to do. You imply your friend has poor boundary issues with the husband, but when she maintains those boundaries with you you want to cut the friendship. Bizarre.

It’s ok to have different interests in life and it doesn’t make her boring or you less of an adult, you just enjoy different things. You’re judging her but don’t know what happened with the alcohol, for all you know she realised she had developed an unhealthy habit and it may have been impacting her health so she’s cut back hugely as a result. The fact she’s avoiding anyone who drinks speaks to that.

She reimbursed you in full and whilst not ideal, she hasn’t cancelled the night before or anything. I don’t think she’s a rubbish friend at all, she’s going through a really tough time that’s all and cba going on benders.

I’m 42 also. And married. My husband has no issues with me doing all of this!

But its not a long enjoyable weekend away, its watching you shove drinks and bars in her face constantly. I would rather enjoy a weekend at home than that.

I can't think of anything I'd want to do less than go boozing and clubbing in my 40s..surely that's for young singles?
I'd much rather a spa day or foodie event than getting tits up around a bunch of strangers most of them probably half my age.

Jumped the 🦈

I think you’re the last person I’d want to give me relationship advice.

Why are you giving heavy handed advice about leaving her husband? Has she said she wants to leave and asked for your advice and are you knowledgeable enough on her legal.and financial position to give it?

It seems to me that she wants a quieter life and to fix what's wrong with her marriage. She may not feel quite so unhappy as you believe her to be. Maybe she's given up boozy nights out and doing pottery and walking activities because she's grown out of boozy girls nights out .

She may not want to leave him, despite your advice. Perhaps you have been too pushy . I think you need to back down and give her some space. As she has paid you for her share of the cost of the planned break, perhaps you could ask another friend to go with you?

OP, you're clearly at different life stages. Let this go. Don't go to her house.

This may not be the case in reality, but each of your replies does make it sound like you are the problem. She asked her DH to help her stop drinking, which it sounds like he is doing. Whilst disappointing for you, it's therefore understandable that she doesn't want a weekend focused on drinking. She has paid you, so you're not out of pocket. I think your reaction is disproportionate. You could go on your own, or with another friend; or you could show your friend you value her company and agree to a chilled weekend with her another time.

Separately, did your friend ask for advice on her marriage, or her children going off to Uni; or did you feel it was just your place to tell her what she should be doing and feeling?

They were considering splitting. She hasn’t really messaged me about the ins and outs of it as she said at the beginning she wanted to deal with it herself. She has the occasional moan as do I but I really don’t think it’s a reason to cancel a whole holiday!

I think cutting her off as your friend would be the kindest thing you could do for her.

She is having issues in her marriage and her kids are leaving the nest, but she is making an effort to deal with her relationship and is reaching out to widen her social circle and extend her interests. So I think the very last thing she needs in her life is a hypercritical and demanding so called friend who offers unwanted and inappropriate advice, makes it nastily clear she doesn’t like the husband and thinks the only way to go and have fun* is to get bladdered.

I don't think you need to 'cut her off', sounds like she's the one dropping you.

But her marriage is not your business.
Keep out of it and keep you opinion to yourself unless she asks you for advice.
You sound very controlling.

I’m reading your posts, OP and wondering if you’re for real. It’s all you, you, you. Your friend tells you she wants to cut back drinking and you book a weekend away that seems to consist of bars and clubs ? You criticise her spending time with her DH on walking groups and hobbies. You criticise her husband when on the face of it, it seems he’s just trying to help his wife cut back on her drinking which she wants to do. He obviously enjoys spending time with her if they have joint hobbies. You criticise her for becoming an adult when that’s exactly what she is - a 42 year old woman. Her children may be off to Uni and that may well be an adjustment for her but it certainly doesn’t have to mean she has to turn to drinking and clubbing. She can leave that to her Uni bound children.

I'm still convinced it's a reverse, surely no one is this unreasonable.

Her husband has always been very traditional and I don’t think it’s a good thing. If my husband told me not to hang around people because he wasn’t comfortable with their behaviour I’d tell him to do one. She’s very pretty as well which I think he has an issue with as she is approached a lot. So I think he’s suggesting all these other things she’s shown interest in to keep her away from meeting someone better in all honesty.

I feel sorry for her. Please leave her alone, no one needs a ‘friend’ like you when they’re trying to work things out.

That or he cares about his wife who went to him and asked for support to stop drinking and knows what a selfish bad influence you are on her.

Ok, so with her recent marriage issues, have you been there for her?

TBH you sound like me ex best friend. We were friends since we were 17, I grew up and she didn't. She hated it that I didn't drink anymore, said I had changed. My reply was yes, I've grown up.

It sounds to me like your friend was aware she had an issue with drink and so she stopped. My sister is a bit like you, loves a drink and so when I went on a massive health kick she got all preachy. Telling me it was boring to hang around with people who eat salad and don't drink. I told her the only people who find non drinkers boring are people who have issues with alcohol and want everyone around them to be drinking so they don't feel they are the ones with a problem. Personally, the thought of spending a whole weekend in bars and clubs is my idea of hell. Did you have anything else arranged, like sight seeing, or shoppping. Or was it all centred round getting pissed. I find drunk people beyond boring and irritating.

Her husband is aware she is not drinking so I don't blame him for not being massively keen on her going away with a pisshead.....although ibv if she really wanted to go then of course she should. She probably doesnt want to go at all, it's just easier for her to say he doesnt want her to, you don't sound like the sort of person who makes stuff like this easy. Don't go round there. She doesn't want to go, she has refunded you the money so just let it be.