Friend has cancelled on me last minute

[hungryowl]

Due to go away this weekend from Friday to Monday. Friend has been having rocky patch with husband. She has messaged me today saying she can no longer come as she needs to focus on her family and not have a boozy weekend away. I paid for the whole thing and she was going to cover activities. She has just done me a bank transfer for the full amount so I’m not out of pocket.

We have had many outings before but in the message she specified that at 42 she no longer really fancies boozy weekends and she feels that I haven’t made an effort to reach out at all in recent months and just doesn’t want to go anymore! I think she’s peri menopausal but it should be no excuse cancelling last minute. I wanted a break away from my family as well. I have told her she needs to prepare more for her kids going to uni this month and preparing for empty nest feelings. I don’t like her husband and have been questioning her relationship with him to her whilst they have been arguing and advising heavily to leave him because as she’s getting older she’s now going to pottery and walking groups and spending more and more time with him and I feel like we are losing our connection. I want to go out and be social like we normally are and she’s being extremely boring. Her husband has issues with me because I had an affair but was fine with me before now he seems to think I am a scary influence.

AIBU to just cut her off now?

Maybe if I had just posted friend bailed on holiday last minute and I’m upset I’d have had some very different responses

Wind em up and watch em go

Dropped me home in a cab.

No, it’s bollocks.

if

Perhaps he’s happy for you to go, as he’s shagging someone else.

Yes, but is sounds like she really doesn't want to do any of this either, she explicitly said she does not want a boozy weekend and you have not made an effort with her in recent months. There is nothing in the reasons she gave you about her husband, she just does not want that type of weekend away.

I think by letting you know she can't make it and paying you in full, that is her quiet way of ending the friendship for now. She sounds like she's in a difficult space and doesn't want any major fallout or drama at the moment.

I love a boozy weekend and would be disappointed in your shoes, but you're talking as if she's not allowed not avoid drinking. It may mean that you no longer have the same kind of fun together, and indeed the friendship may fade if that's how you used to bond, but not going on boozy jaunts is a completely valid way to be.

I hope not. OP sounds awful.

I think it depends what the real situation is. It sounds like this woman has a problem with alcohol. If someone books a boozy weekend full of nothing but a bar hopping agenda then, several months later, comes to the realisation that their drinking is problematic, it is completely reasonable for them to cancel the boozy weekend. There's nothing unkind about it. A good friend would be understanding and supportive instead of trying to convince them they should continue to drink.

I also thought this was a reverse at first. Now I think it’s probably not real as I can’t believe anyone is this self unaware.

But on the outside chance it’s not:

You sound more controlling of her than her husband - telling her how to deal with her children going to university, that her husband isn’t good for her, what hobbies she should have, who her friends should be.

I’m in my mid 30s and would hate a weekend clubbing. The fact your friend has asked her husband for help with her drinking is a sign that she doesn’t actually enjoy going out and getting rat arsed, and actually might have a problem with it. Particularly coupled with the fact that she is actively choosing hobbies that don’t involve being drunk.

Have you offered to adapt the weekend to be less drinking focused?

But if she is trying to make it work with her husband, it probably isn’t the right time for a girls’ weekend and focussing on her family is probably a sensible option.

I want to go out and be social like we normally are and she’s being extremely boring.

N’ah, this is clearly a wind up post as no-one is this immature in their 40’s when they’re married with kids, surely? 😂😂

I just don’t understand if everyone is focussing so much on being a good friend why she is allowed to be a rubbish friend by bailing last minute to prioritise a man??

If this is real then you sound like an incredibly toxic friend and no wonder she doesn't want to go away with you.

You'd be doing her a massive favour in cutting yourself off from her. She's definitely not the one being unreasonable.

Yes, you would have. It would have been an entirely different scenario. Your friend shouldn't agree to holidays and back out at the last minute, but with the context provided, I can understand why she might have done so. If she continues to agree to holidays and back out, that's poor behaviour from her, but at this point you'd also bear some responsibility for continuing to arrange holidays with her. Call it a day and focus on other friends who are more compatible with what you like to do.

Planned holiday.

suddenly can’t come because she wants to work on her marriage to a man I don’t think is good for her and have expressly told her so.

im sorry I don’t think I’m in the wrong here

Yanking our chain for clicks 🙄

What's a reverse please?? I see it a lot but don't actually know what it means and Google is no help! Thank you 🙏🏼 😊

She's prioritising her marriage at a difficult time! And her health!

its up to you wether you end this friendship or not but my guess is your friend is telling you she wants to end it in a round about way.
Wether someone is "boring" or not is subjective.
Your friend has made it clear she isnt interested in girly weekends away or being around alcohol ,that is entirely her prerogative.
I can see its disappointing if someone lets you down at the last minute.
If i were in your shoes,id think this friendship has run its course,i would message her and say whilst you are disappointed she let you down at the last minute you understand her changed wants and perspective and that you will her well and hope she finds happiness. Add that you are always there if things change ot she ever needs you or wants to catch up.

And I don’t think he’s good enough for her. She needs to see her own self worth and not be talked out of plans with lifelong friends to benefit her husband

OP, your friend “specified that at 42 she no longer really fancies boozy weekends” - and yet you’ve booked a boozy weekend that you’re surprised she doesn’t want to go on.
“I don’t like her husband and have been questioning her relationship with him to her whilst they have been arguing and advising heavily to leave him” - this is not the act of a friend. You are blaming her husband who (not unreasonably) takes a dim view of your infidelity, and probably regards you as a bad influence if his wife is trying to cut down drinking and you are all about the clubs and drinking. Your friend “needs to focus on her family and not have a boozy weekend away” - how is this unreasonable, especially if she herself has asked her husband to help her to cut down on the booze, which you are interpreting as “controlling”?
You say of your friend that she’s “spending more and more time with him (husband) and I feel like we are losing our connection.” So are you in fact jealous of her husband? You want her to be less of a wife to her husband and more of a friend to you? You then add, “I want to go out and be social like we normally are and she’s being extremely boring” - for not wanting to go out in the lash. I’m sorry, OP, but it seems your friend’s priorities have shifted, while you are still behaving as you always have done. Trying to separate your friend from her husband, though, is nothing short of wrong, and you can’t be surprised that he doesn’t like you. You say your friend says that “she feels that I haven’t made an effort to reach out at all in recent months” - so from her POV, you’re only there for her when it’s doing something that suits you. It sounds as though you have grown apart. If you want to cut her off, do so - it doesn’t sound as though you will be a great loss to her.

I was thinking that. Or at least a reverse of the genders.

How many people on here are going to support their husband going on a bender with a known cheat who is preaching that the grass is greener on the other side?Particuarly if they have been going through a rocky patch in their marriage recently.

I'm not even going to mention the recovering alcoholic aspect of this...