Friend has cancelled on me last minute

[hungryowl]

Due to go away this weekend from Friday to Monday. Friend has been having rocky patch with husband. She has messaged me today saying she can no longer come as she needs to focus on her family and not have a boozy weekend away. I paid for the whole thing and she was going to cover activities. She has just done me a bank transfer for the full amount so I’m not out of pocket.

We have had many outings before but in the message she specified that at 42 she no longer really fancies boozy weekends and she feels that I haven’t made an effort to reach out at all in recent months and just doesn’t want to go anymore! I think she’s peri menopausal but it should be no excuse cancelling last minute. I wanted a break away from my family as well. I have told her she needs to prepare more for her kids going to uni this month and preparing for empty nest feelings. I don’t like her husband and have been questioning her relationship with him to her whilst they have been arguing and advising heavily to leave him because as she’s getting older she’s now going to pottery and walking groups and spending more and more time with him and I feel like we are losing our connection. I want to go out and be social like we normally are and she’s being extremely boring. Her husband has issues with me because I had an affair but was fine with me before now he seems to think I am a scary influence.

AIBU to just cut her off now?

I would say you are the controlling one.

Wow, you sound controlling.

Who do you think you are to be telling her how she should be running her life, preparing for kids uni and keep distance from husband etc. Sounds like maybe she's fed up with being told what to do - she is an adult and you are not her parent.

And she's not wrong...maybe she's grown out of boozy weekends and it's you that needs to change your idea of what fun is.. because not everyone finds it at the bottom of a bottle.

I think there’s a third version of events and possibly you being factual does make it sound selfish but we don’t know how much you’ve been there for her in her marriage issues, what he’s like and whether she’s just panicking and burning everything she ever knew to convince him she’s all about him. I think you should give her some space though. Could you go just on your own?

Her husband sounds like he has his priorities straight.

Your plans sound boring and health damaging to me. I’d hate to go on a drinking weekend. If you think it’s such a good weekend, surely you will have no issue replacing her with someone else.

She's "getting older" at 42?!
She just doesn't want to go out clubbing with you any more. Can you find another friend to go with who still wants to go out on the lash.
You shouldn't be interfering in her marriage. Just support her if you are a friend.

I find him controlling. She’s always been into boring stuff in my eyes but now she’s hit 40 it’s like she’s fully settled into being a complete adult. He advises her when he can see people using her to their benefit and got her to go to therapy and she’s turned into someone I don’t know anymore

Reverse?

I've just seen the comment about the affair too.
Sort your own shit out first. I'm not surprised he doesn't want his wife hanging out with you, you have questionable morals and trying to break up her marriage for your own gain.

Work on your issues with a therapist, please.

So go with someone else?

You sound so nice and supportive, she can't be your only friend.

👏🏼

Oh, how awful he is - getting her into therapy and helping her develop healthy boundaries.

Gosh, who needs enemies when they have friends like this? She is trying to focus on her marriage because she is questioning if they should split up and has said she doesn’t want a boozy weekend (perhaps she’s struggling more with alcohol that you realise?). It sounds like she’s done the best thing for her in this situation and done the right thing by you in covering her costs.

Dh’s mate pulled out of a similar weekend away a couple months ago (they were competing in a sports event together). His wife was contemplating ending the marriage and he said he needed to put her first. He did (at least for that weekend 🙄), which was the right thing to do. They have subsequently split, but that time was really helpful in hashing out financial details and living arrangements. A marriage is always more important than a weekend away.

And surely, you can still go have a lovely time away. I go away solo all the time. It’s fantastic. You can still do all the same things, theatre, museums, hiking, the beach, restaurants, shopping, drinks. I mean, if your objective is just to go partying and getting wasted, then well, maybe she has a point that you both should have moved past those days! But short of getting drunk alone and trying to score drugs, everything is perfectly fine and safe to do solo.

So you're upset you can't manipulate her any more?

YANBU to be disappointed. YABVVU about everything else.

Even if you’ve had good intentions, she’s basically told you that your advice has been overbearing. She’s also told you that she doesn’t want to drink. Those are her decisions to make, and you don’t get to argue with her about them.

I noticed in your original OP you say that she thinks you haven’t reached out to her. Do you think that’s true? You talk about going round to see her which implies you live very closely.

Fundamentally, you want different things and either you can find a middle ground where you do non-drinking things with her and do drinking things with other people or this friendship is going to fade away.

as a general rule, it is better to support friends and be there for them when things go wrong rather than try to get yourself in opposition of their partner. That’s a very significant relationship and understandably she will prioritise it and will pull away from you if she feels judged.

She hasn’t had any until recently. Their kids are moving out and they had some wobbles around navigating it I guess? We have been there for each other loads over the years so I’m not going to preach I’ve done all that when it’s been balanced completely.

You don't sound like much of a friend. You just sound upset to have lost a drinking buddy.

Maybe he's controlling also. Two things can be true at the same time.

It sounds like she's grown up and you haven't.

If this is real, please go to her house.

Because I for one cannot wait to hear how that turns out for you.....😂

You sound bonkers ! You want her to leave her husband so you have someone to hang out with? SHE wants to drink less and you this as him being controlling?

Your don’t need to be perimenopausal to feel repulsed by the idea of a weekend of clubbing ffs 😂 How old are you?

Voted wrongly sorry. YBU!

She's obviously stopped drinking for a reason - people don't make that decision unless it's because it has negatively impacted their health, relationships or family in some way.

So no he's not being controlling, he's possibly been on the receiving end of some really shitty drunken behaviour and is worried she'll ruin her sobriety if she hangs out with you, seeing as you aren't being supportive of her sobriety.

If it was a wellness retreat, or spa break, that's different.
But can you not see you're the one fighting for control here too...? You're just mad she's chosen her husband this weekend.

This must be a reverse.

If she's always been into boring stuff in the past, were boozy trips and weekends the only thing you had in common? How long have you know her? Do you feel you have some ownership of her?

Also, your comment about settling into being a complete adult is unusual. Do you think being a complete adult is boring?

Rather than going round, you could write her a letter or message asking about the changes? It's less confrontational.

Surely if she’s having such a hard time as she’s saying a long weekend away would be exactly what she needs??!

I imagine that a weekend getting drunk, clubbing, and watching you chat up random men started sounding pretty awful to her and her husband as well. Sounds like a nightmare to me!