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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend has cancelled on me last minute

562 replies

hungryowl · Yesterday 12:21

Due to go away this weekend from Friday to Monday. Friend has been having rocky patch with husband. She has messaged me today saying she can no longer come as she needs to focus on her family and not have a boozy weekend away. I paid for the whole thing and she was going to cover activities. She has just done me a bank transfer for the full amount so I’m not out of pocket.

We have had many outings before but in the message she specified that at 42 she no longer really fancies boozy weekends and she feels that I haven’t made an effort to reach out at all in recent months and just doesn’t want to go anymore! I think she’s peri menopausal but it should be no excuse cancelling last minute. I wanted a break away from my family as well. I have told her she needs to prepare more for her kids going to uni this month and preparing for empty nest feelings. I don’t like her husband and have been questioning her relationship with him to her whilst they have been arguing and advising heavily to leave him because as she’s getting older she’s now going to pottery and walking groups and spending more and more time with him and I feel like we are losing our connection. I want to go out and be social like we normally are and she’s being extremely boring. Her husband has issues with me because I had an affair but was fine with me before now he seems to think I am a scary influence.

AIBU to just cut her off now?

OP posts:
cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · Today 11:58

hungryowl · Today 11:10

I’m very happy. I have a lot of like minded people around me. I just think that the husband is controlling that he doesn’t want her out. She’s a 42 year old woman and he tells her he’s uncomfortable her coming out with me to the pub as he thinks she could get into dangerous situations! But then he’s not got a single comment on another girl she sees and going for a drink! When I go out I get glammed up and she doesn’t anyone - she said it’s because she doesn’t need to because she just came for a drink with a friend. I’m sure her husband is telling her not to get dressed up because she’s attractive.

Probably because the other woman that she goes out with doesn't get bladdered and need to be put in a taxi.

DaftHapeth · Today 11:58

ThreadGuardDog · Today 09:40

OP I think you need to consider why your friend paid you the money for the whole holiday and not just her share. That suggests to me that she knows you’ll have difficulty finding someone else to go with you. Maybe something to think about.

Exactly this. And she’d rather lose DOUBLE the amount of her holiday than go away with OP. She just wants to draw a line under it all.

I would absolutely love to hear her side of the story!

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · Today 12:00

I have a friend like this, without fail, once she's had a few drinks she gets loud, obnoxious, and unable to look after herself. I eventually got tired of my evenings being ruined by having to deal with her. I still see her once in a while but only during the day for coffee or a walk. She has very few friends now because everyone got sick of her behaviour and moved forward with their lives.

OP, your younger friends are eventually going to get older and move on with their lives too.

ThreadGuardDog · Today 12:12

DaftHapeth · Today 11:58

Exactly this. And she’d rather lose DOUBLE the amount of her holiday than go away with OP. She just wants to draw a line under it all.

I would absolutely love to hear her side of the story!

Yep. I bet her story is a very different one !!

ThreadGuardDog · Today 12:14

Booboobagins · Yesterday 23:20

@hungryowl how awful she has decided not to go because you will drink and youre being painted as some scarlet lady who she shouldnt spend time with.

I dont drink, my friends do. We go clubbing and eating out etc - it's fine, we all have a good time inc sober me!

So it sounds to me like she can't control herself & instead of admitting that, shes pulled out and said she wants to chill instead.

Ok thats her perogative. Dont cut her off. Accept she can change her mind and did the roght thing telling you in time so you could hopefully find another +1.

The question is - do you know anyone who could go with you instead at short notice?

Not sure you’ve read the same thread !!

jdb9803 · Today 12:17

sandrapinchedmysandwich · Today 11:24

I used to have a friend like you op. She also believed she was the life and soul of the party, loved a drink and a night out in bars and clubs. She was absolutely exhausting and going out with her was like looking after a trucculant toddler. If she wasnt falling over she was smashed in the corner or having an argument with a randomer. She would 'flirt' which actually involved her draping herself over uninterested men or integrating herself into groups of people who did not want her there at all. It was utterly embarrassing, yet she had no insight whatsoever and often needed wrestling into a taxi ( she once offered to pay the driver in kind)

Then was the next day when she was hungover. She could be absolutely spiteful and horrible. She would apologise for that a day or so later, then the whole sorry carousel would start again.

Before you say anything and call me boring, I am not a 'sober sally' or whatever you call it. I like a drink too but equally I know my limits these days and am happy with a wine or three and a nice meal. So are most of my similarly age friends in their 40's.

You need to stop making drinking your main focus or you will lose most of your friends. You dont need to stop drinking as long as you are able to curb bad behaviour and do things other than clubs and bars

I think you have just described OP to a T

RelaxAndDetox · Today 12:18

MissChanandlerBonng · Yesterday 12:25

Yes please cut her off, for her benefit.

This.

Elliania · Today 12:29

I love how you call her husband controlling but then have the cheek to say "To be fair she did suggest spa hotel but I think she needs to let her hair down and party tbh" So it's OK when you tell her what you think she needs but when she does anything you don't approve of it's immediately her husband being controlling.

RelaxAndDetox · Today 12:36

hungryowl · Yesterday 12:50

We are going on a drinking based weekend. Dinners and clubs out. Her husband wants to work things out and doesn’t want her drinking round strangers whilst with me!

A drinking based weekend for someone who's trying to drink less. Maybe she's realised that pissed people aren't the fun they think.they are! Leavexthe poor woman alone. Can't you find someone else to get pissed up with.

I recently went out with friends and the screeching from pissed up women on a 'hen party' on nearby tables was awful 😖 yep we all judged them.

RelaxAndDetox · Today 12:38

hungryowl · Yesterday 12:54

I find him controlling. She’s always been into boring stuff in my eyes but now she’s hit 40 it’s like she’s fully settled into being a complete adult. He advises her when he can see people using her to their benefit and got her to go to therapy and she’s turned into someone I don’t know anymore

You obviously don't like your friend whom you describe as 'boring' so why badger her so much. Don't you have any other less boring friends you can get pissed with instead

FreyaW · Today 12:41

Go with your husband or someone else...or go alone or don't go at all.
She's out... take a hint

BinNightTonight · Today 12:43

You sound absolutely batshit bonkers. Go alone or with one of your friends or family members, who are more on your "wave length."

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