AIBU to worry our son is being overindulged after his A-level results?

[NavyRobin]

Our DS got his A-level results back in August and got 3 A stars and an A. We were absolutely thrilled for him. He was originally predicted ABBB, so these results were a huge shock to everyone, including his teachers. Our son told us on results day because of his teachers not predicting him high grades for his UCAS application, he decided to do badly on purpose on all the tests, mocks etc. At this point I am just lost as to why he needed to act that way as we were getting emails at home telling us that he isn't doing anything in lessons etc when at home he was revising and sticking to a routine. I think I have raised somewhat of an insane child. WHO DOES THAT?!

He wasn't exactly a model student at school. He was bright but messed around quite a lot and didn't always put the effort in we now learn that this is on purpose at A Levels, GCSE he was fine but he liked his teachers at GCSE. We did speak to the school several times about his predicted grades because we felt they were quite low but they wouldn't budge, which I do understand to an extent.

The problem is that his predicted grades limited his university choices. He applied to five universities, including some very competitive ones, but was rejected from three.Then results day came around and he achieved 3 A stars and an A.He's now decided to take a gap year and reapply for Engineering, with Cambridge and Bath being two of the universities he's interested in.
We're supportive of the gap year. We actually think it could be a good opportunity for him, particularly as he now has achieved grades rather than predicted grades. We have spoken to Bath admissions and, because he previously applied, they already have his application and results. They've said his achieved grades would make his application very competitive, although obviously nothing is guaranteed and the rest of the application and selection process still matters. Cambridge will obviously be much more difficult and we're under no illusion that he'll necessarily get in.

My issue is what he's actually planning to do during this gap year, it is his attitude.He worked at Waitrose for about a year, in the deli, and left recently. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to get another job, even if just part-time, earn some money and gain some independence.
However, DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that".DH owns an engineering company (a different area of engineering to what DS wants to go into) and has offered him work there instead.So DS can work for his dad, potentially doing something engineering-related, while living at home and with very little financial pressure.
And then there's the money.

DS turned 18 this summer and DH's parents gave him £34k as an 18th birthday present. I wasn't particularly comfortable with such a large amount being given to an 18-year-old, but obviously it's their money and their decision. I do understand that they are very proud of him and wanted to give him something special.But since then, he's been spending it fairly freely. He recently spent £13k on a car when the Polo he already had was perfectly fine. He's also been buying lots of things he's always wanted.

And now, because they're so proud of his A-level results, DH's parents have gifted him another £10k. They have always been quite generous with our children all throughout. Our children's JISA's are pretty much just for their grandparents to put money in for them. So he's received £44k from his grandparents in a matter of months, at 18.I genuinely don't understand it.
I know people will say "it's their money" and yes, I completely accept that. They can do whatever they want with it, and I know it's coming from a place of love and pride. But I can't help thinking that £10k could have gone straight into his savings account instead of being handed to an 18 year old
What is the point of giving an 18 year old that amount of money? Surely part of the point of helping your children financially is to give them a secure start in life, not necessarily to give them a huge amount of spending money at 18?
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says DS has worked incredibly hard, got exceptional results and deserves to enjoy the money. He also thinks working for his company will give him much better experience than working in a supermarket and could potentially help with his future university application.
And I agree with some of that.I am incredibly proud of DS. I'm not trying to take anything away from his results, and I'm not against helping him financially. If anything, I think we've been very fortunate that he has grandparents who are in a position to give him this sort of support.But I worry about the overall message.
He doesn't need to get a job because Dad will give him one.
He doesn't need to worry about money because grandparents have given him £44k in 2 months.He doesn't need to keep his old car because he can spend £13k on another one.And DH is actively telling him that certain jobs are beneath him.I can't help feeling that we're setting him up to believe that life will always be this easy.

He's 18. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to have some structure, earn some of his own money and learn to manage what he has?
Or am I being completely unreasonable and should I just leave him alone?
He got fantastic results, he's got a potentially very exciting future ahead of him and the money is technically his. Maybe I'm just being an old-fashioned mum who thinks an 18 year old should have to work for things rather than have everything handed to him.

AIBU?

That’s a weird trick he pulled with his exams. The money…well your inlaws sound reckless and irresponsible and I don’t know what to suggest about that. But the most worrying thing is what he did in the lead up to his exams, line it’s some kind of power move.

He sounds like a cocky shit and the game he apparently played with mock results fucked him in the arse and resulted in rejections from the uni’s he actually wanted to go to. Who would do that for a laugh? Clearly spoilt rotten by his grandparents and now nepotism to the rescue, daddy is giving him a job. I hope he doesn’t get into Cambridge, he doesn’t deserve it.

On the teacher side of things, I honestly wouldn’t put too much weight on their judgement. Some teachers are just arseholes, or at the very least completely mismatched to certain students.

My DS2 had a similar experience: constant phone calls and emails about him being “lazy” and “not reaching his potential,” when the reality was the teacher bored the life out of him with a monotone voice and one rigid teaching style. Loads of complaints from pupils and parents because the lessons were simply not engaging, and the kids zoned out.

DS took the basics from class and taught himself at home. So in that teacher’s eyes he was lazy, when actually it was nothing to do with his ability and everything to do with the teaching style. Sometimes schools just get it wrong.

As for your son working with his dad — I genuinely don’t see why you’d be against that. It’s a privileged opportunity, yes, but a positive one. If he wants to go into engineering, getting hands‑on experience in an engineering company is far more relevant than stacking shelves. Most parents would be thrilled their child could get real industry experience before university.

The money… I get why it makes you uncomfortable, but I also think it’s pretty normal for an 18‑year‑old to upgrade his car and buy himself things he’s always wanted. Who wouldn’t? £44k is a huge amount, and I understand your worry about the message it sends, but at the same time it’s his grandparents’ choice. If he’s buying a nicer car and some home bits, that’s hardly reckless behaviour.

I think your DH offering him a job related to Engineering is fine, as long as he pulls his weight when he’s there then it will be good experience and will still teach him time-keeping, responsibility etc (assuming he is treated in the same way as other employees and not given an easy ride as the “boss’s son”).

The other stuff does seem unreasonable. Most 18 years olds aren’t great with money and would piss a huge sum like that away (I definitely would have done). Much more sensible to ring fence the money for a house deposit or similar.

Without having to worry about money. Especially as he knows he has money for a house when he is 25 . Then I think most people would have an elevated level of confidence and lack of worry about the consequences of his actions. He knows he will be OK no matter what.
He has his dad's business to work at . And a car brought outright.
Basically he is just a product of his privilege. Same as every other teen who has never known financial hardship and probably never will.
I doubt you can change his behaviour now.

You come across really well OP.
I am just judging your son on what you have told us.
I'm jealous about his money though if i'm being honest.

It is out of your control even though I totally get how frustrating that is when someone is making short term choices with such a large gift of money. He is 18 and he has been gifted that money by his grandparents - you might want to remind him to keep some back though for tax just in case as it is a gift? He'll soon get a reality check when he has burnt through it though and is paying interest on a student loan, irritating as that is for you. He's bright though so maybe just remind him of the maths of compound interest? I don't think you'll have much chance of persuading him as he sounds to have his own mind, very much so. Sometimes with that type, I find the best thing to do is to say "here is my advice but you're 18 and it's up to you" works much better than saying "here's what I think you should do" and perhaps give him a calculation of how much that money might be worth if he invested in even just a high interest saving account.

The job sounds like it would be much better on his CV than a job in Tesco.

Just to add, he has done incredibly well so can obviously apply himself well - that's a big thing in his favour.

Sounds like he got a huge financial reward for being a jackass at school. I wonder what Cambridge will think about his turn-around. Will they be able to tell he has a shitty attitude or will he be able to spin it. I’d let him get on with it OP, if he wants to spaff £44K that’s up to him. Some times they have to learn the very hard way.

His school reference for Cambridge will be interesting!! I know a few Cambridge engineers and they're all solid, positive characters who wouldn't play silly games or flip the finger at their teachers. I'm sure the teachers will be able to describe his personality in suitably coded but understandable terms, and allow the dons to decide. (If he does get in hopefully being around solid, bright students will help him grow up a little).

I think you are right to be worried about his attitude. It is extremely poor behaviour - if he would behave in the workplace like he did at school that would be a huge problem.

And now he gets significant amounts of money and a job handed to him by daddy on top of poor behaviour.

I think your main problem is that your DH is endorsing his behaviour - or at least doesn't see an issue with it - so as long as there are mixed messages from his parents you are not going to resolve anything.

But in a normal workplace (not the one run by daddy) you would need to show high performance AND good attitude.

On the teacher side of things, I honestly wouldn’t put too much weight on their judgement. Some teachers are just arseholes, or at the very least completely mismatched to certain students.
My DS2 had a similar experience: constant phone calls and emails about him being “lazy” and “not reaching his potential,” when the reality was the teacher bored the life out of him with a monotone voice and one rigid teaching style. Loads of complaints from pupils and parents because the lessons were simply not engaging, and the kids zoned out.

I don't disagree with that at all, but the OP's son was predicted 3 Bs. Most of the subjects he did will be taught by at least 2 teachers, so we're talking about just one boring or hostile teacher.

He’s a spoiled little shit largely due to your daft husband and his equally stupid parents. So he’s bright, so what, so are lots of people. Doesn’t make him anything special or better than anyone else.

That is what Dh has said, we are not going to get involved in terms of references, the school trusts him enough to let him he tutor year 10s, does extra curriculars etc, we know what our son is capable of achieving so we will let them decide at least now he is applying with achieved grades above their entry requirements, he know he might not even get an interview for Cambridge but the other unis that are top for engineering do not require interviews and are likely to give him an unconditional. We have told him at university it is all up to him, he has always been ambitious we have knows him for 18 years which is why we did not pay attention to the school telling us he will do terribly because we could see him put the work in at home. He is passionate about engineering and if he gets an interview they will be able to see that and he can go from there.

How was your son treated by his teachers? Unfortunately, some teachers can abuse their authority or have a very negative attitude towards certain pupils. It's possible he became fed up with constantly being criticised or underestimated.
He clearly knew what he was capable of and has since proven that he is both intelligent and hardworking.

Working for his dad in a field that is similar to what his degree is in seems like a sensible choice. With that amount of money, a lot of young people would have spent it on travelling or other short-term pleasures and not thought about working. Him buying a car he prefers is normal, a lot of men would upgrade their car if they had a large amount of money in their account!

I think he needs to be given credit for what he has achieved and supported in the path he has chosen, life is all about making choices, right or wrong we all learn from them!

You think it's OK to laugh in the face of a teacher and stick a middle finger up because they didn't do what you want?

He needs to learn some manners and humility, it sounds like your husband is also an arse encouraging him to behave like this. I'd be embarrassed.

He sounds spoiled and entitled. I mean, objectively he is spoiled and entitled right? He's had a lot of money thrown at him and probably hasn't had the kind of childhood/ life where "no you can't" was heard that often. This isn't necessarily a criticism of you OP, if I was loaded I might raise my kids in a similar fashion.
So yes - he is overindulged and entitled by the sounds of things/
No - you don't need to worry in the way you are. He's going to have a house deposit gifted to him, new cars, prestigious work experience, a good degree, presumably lots of hobbies and opportunites... he'll be okay OP.

I’m not sure how calling it ‘immature’ suggests to you that I consider it to be the correct course of action.

He felt dismissed, failed ,and set back a year by them, and so made no visible effort at school whilst nursing that grudge. He then reacted in a fit of pique on results day. That’s it. He didn’t handle himself perfectly, but he did acknowledge that he was wrong and chose to apologize. There are people triple his age that struggle with that.

That doesn’t make him a psychopath, and nor does it mean he’s under any illusion of being the smartest in the room. He is intelligent, driven, and has a solid plan for his future. He’ll be fine.

Add into that accurate summary, someone wanting to apply to Cambridge for engineering after a year out. Unless he's actively using his maths in the job, that will not help him.

I dont think you are wrong to worry. Sounds a lot like a friend of mines son but we are 3 years down the line.

Clearly intelligent boy.

Expected to get good ALevels.
Didnt quite get as good as expected but enough for uni.
Decided he didnt want to go to uni so did a gap year
Gap year has turned into 3 years of sitting in his bedroom and playing on games....

I asked my friend what she thinks he will do and she gave some disturbing info. Her partners parents (the boys grandparents) had given him enough money to literally buy a house cash. He didnt need to work and the interest on the money gave him a liveable income. He now just exists and it is tearing his mum apart. He is now a fat (i know blunt but he wasnt fat when he was in education), depressed, recluse who doesnt even look after himself properly. No friends and zero chance of a girlfriend.

Money can have a lot of positive effects but it can also take away any drive and enthusiasm in the wrong hands.

Christ your husband is a real prick isn’t he? The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree has it.

Not read FF but you do know your PIL are probably giving the money now to avoid the IHT - seven year rule?

I get what you are saying. Even though the engineering job with dad may seem practical the deli is a bit more real world with a boss and workmates that have no stake in him.
He seems a bit of an immature brat tbh and I can see why op is worried. He's obviously bright but developing an unpleasant narcissistic streak which having all that money thrown at him isn't helping.

3A stars and and A which we are currently waiting on the remark are results to be proud of. We are proud of him. I am not sure what other results Cam are looking for, I do not think they look at the exact marks ?

He will be using his maths on the job and he tutors maths and is hoping to tutor A Levels maths as well as that he is working on first year university content, looking at courses he can do to keep him up to speed so he doesn't fall behind before he has even started.

All in all Cambridge is not everything to him, he wants to apply but also likes other universities, we are going to visit imperial for open day soon and University of Sheffield and others. We will ask and see but so far with his acheived offer he has met the entry requirements for pretty much all the top engineering unis for the engineering he wants to do they do not require 3 A stars. Maybe that will chnage by October time but most if not all have released their requirements for 2027, I doubt they will go from not even asking for 3 A stars to wanting 4 A stars after publishing their finalised entry requirements

So why write a thread describing your son's idiotic behaviour and then be offended by people saying his behaviour is idiotic?

My mistake. It appears that I have got the wrong end of the stick and your son will be fine and is fine

My apologies for misunderstanding