AIBU to worry our son is being overindulged after his A-level results?

[NavyRobin]

Our DS got his A-level results back in August and got 3 A stars and an A. We were absolutely thrilled for him. He was originally predicted ABBB, so these results were a huge shock to everyone, including his teachers. Our son told us on results day because of his teachers not predicting him high grades for his UCAS application, he decided to do badly on purpose on all the tests, mocks etc. At this point I am just lost as to why he needed to act that way as we were getting emails at home telling us that he isn't doing anything in lessons etc when at home he was revising and sticking to a routine. I think I have raised somewhat of an insane child. WHO DOES THAT?!

He wasn't exactly a model student at school. He was bright but messed around quite a lot and didn't always put the effort in we now learn that this is on purpose at A Levels, GCSE he was fine but he liked his teachers at GCSE. We did speak to the school several times about his predicted grades because we felt they were quite low but they wouldn't budge, which I do understand to an extent.

The problem is that his predicted grades limited his university choices. He applied to five universities, including some very competitive ones, but was rejected from three.Then results day came around and he achieved 3 A stars and an A.He's now decided to take a gap year and reapply for Engineering, with Cambridge and Bath being two of the universities he's interested in.
We're supportive of the gap year. We actually think it could be a good opportunity for him, particularly as he now has achieved grades rather than predicted grades. We have spoken to Bath admissions and, because he previously applied, they already have his application and results. They've said his achieved grades would make his application very competitive, although obviously nothing is guaranteed and the rest of the application and selection process still matters. Cambridge will obviously be much more difficult and we're under no illusion that he'll necessarily get in.

My issue is what he's actually planning to do during this gap year, it is his attitude.He worked at Waitrose for about a year, in the deli, and left recently. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to get another job, even if just part-time, earn some money and gain some independence.
However, DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that".DH owns an engineering company (a different area of engineering to what DS wants to go into) and has offered him work there instead.So DS can work for his dad, potentially doing something engineering-related, while living at home and with very little financial pressure.
And then there's the money.

DS turned 18 this summer and DH's parents gave him £34k as an 18th birthday present. I wasn't particularly comfortable with such a large amount being given to an 18-year-old, but obviously it's their money and their decision. I do understand that they are very proud of him and wanted to give him something special.But since then, he's been spending it fairly freely. He recently spent £13k on a car when the Polo he already had was perfectly fine. He's also been buying lots of things he's always wanted.

And now, because they're so proud of his A-level results, DH's parents have gifted him another £10k. They have always been quite generous with our children all throughout. Our children's JISA's are pretty much just for their grandparents to put money in for them. So he's received £44k from his grandparents in a matter of months, at 18.I genuinely don't understand it.
I know people will say "it's their money" and yes, I completely accept that. They can do whatever they want with it, and I know it's coming from a place of love and pride. But I can't help thinking that £10k could have gone straight into his savings account instead of being handed to an 18 year old
What is the point of giving an 18 year old that amount of money? Surely part of the point of helping your children financially is to give them a secure start in life, not necessarily to give them a huge amount of spending money at 18?
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says DS has worked incredibly hard, got exceptional results and deserves to enjoy the money. He also thinks working for his company will give him much better experience than working in a supermarket and could potentially help with his future university application.
And I agree with some of that.I am incredibly proud of DS. I'm not trying to take anything away from his results, and I'm not against helping him financially. If anything, I think we've been very fortunate that he has grandparents who are in a position to give him this sort of support.But I worry about the overall message.
He doesn't need to get a job because Dad will give him one.
He doesn't need to worry about money because grandparents have given him £44k in 2 months.He doesn't need to keep his old car because he can spend £13k on another one.And DH is actively telling him that certain jobs are beneath him.I can't help feeling that we're setting him up to believe that life will always be this easy.

He's 18. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to have some structure, earn some of his own money and learn to manage what he has?
Or am I being completely unreasonable and should I just leave him alone?
He got fantastic results, he's got a potentially very exciting future ahead of him and the money is technically his. Maybe I'm just being an old-fashioned mum who thinks an 18 year old should have to work for things rather than have everything handed to him.

AIBU?

The most concerning part of all this is your husband. His attitude is massively grim and I would be mortified if I were you. Is he always like this? Honestly never mind the son I would be running a mile if my husband behaved like this

Your son's behaviour has been so irresponsible and immature that I would not be handing him that kind of money if it was my choice.

I would ask his grandparents to simply say that they have money set aside to help him put down a deposit on a house or flat when the time comes.

I get the feeling if they did that he might be very thankful in his 20s and 30s that the money is there for him.

Or give him a set amount weekly/ monthly he can spend however he likes and save the rest. Again, not handing it all over to him.

I don't see any sense in giving an already privileged 18 year old still living with his parents and without a guaranteed place at a university that much money.

You might disagree with your DH's parents giving over the money but you are his mother. You can still be a strong guiding hand in his life. You can sit him down and let him know that even if he comes from privilege,you still expect him to work hard and try his best to be a decent human being.

I also worry about how he would cope at university. Some bright kids develop a 'big fish small pond' attitude at high school where they think they will breeze through and put in the bare minimum and piss around.

The workload and deadlines of uni might come as a nasty shock.

Your son missed a very important part of the 'how to get your teachers to give high predicted grades' approach. Yes you need to do well in tests and mocks but you also need to assure teachers with regards to your attitude and approach. At A level the relationship between you and your teacher requires some effort. It's not passive. You need to show a curiosity about your learning and the subject and engage with the teaching profession as professionals. Its more reciprocal. If your son is not neurotypical then this might have been hard to read. But this kind of thing is an important life skill. Its not enough to be right (or score the top/right marks). Being smart will only take you so far. It's how you apply that intelligence and how you navigate to work to your goals in a world that has other people in it. Those other people will be your tutors/managers/colleagues etc.
You can't do anything about the money he'll blow it or not (daft of grandparents but whatever) you can suggest and support him to learn much needed soft skills because he could have had his Cambridge application and high predicted grades of he had worked that out.

He’s an arrogant little prick isn’t he? Does he take after his father ? I wouldn’t worry about the money tbh. The grandparents will probably give him more if he asks them. He’s in for a shock if he does go to a top university and realises he isn’t ’all that ‘.
But he is only 18 - still time to grow up.

YANBU. It sounds like a lot of money especially to a teenager but won’tlast long once he starts paying tuition fees, rent and bills. It might be worth explaining to grandparents you have concerns about his budgeting and about how he will afford uni/ finish with debts and suggest maybe they hold their 10k and instead pay towards tuition fees. If they have already given him the money there is not much you can do.
At this stage he should however start paying rent to you (even if you just put it into an account and later use it to supporting him through uni or of towards a house deposit).

Oh he will be getting more in a few years to buy a house

I think he will think “it is all that” one of his cousins is going into his third year at Cambridge for engineering and my son has been to visit him lots, they’re into the same sub field of engineering our son seems to have learnt a lot from him and his cousin does think “it’s all that” but everyone has a different experience I would not know. I did not go to university to study engineering I did music but it was a pretty good uni and I thought “it was all that” enjoyed my time there thoroughly it enables me to be able to start my own business at 24 and now in my late 20s still at it with the exact same business. Maybe his father is a prick as you say but you don’t know him ? We have since discussed everything with our son. The situation regarding his grandparents is out of our control unfortunately you cannot tell people what do with their own money they’re still sound of mind therefore they will continue to do what they want for all their grandchildren.

Also if these unis weren’t all that I think his cousins and the various friends of mine who have children that have attended these unis are doing quite well would have said. A cousin of mine went to Oxford in the 80s still to this day meets up with his friends, wears his college hoodie, does vaccine research with the university for vaccines that have been life changing and I’d argue they are all “all that” but each to their own. Top unis open opportunities regardless of whether it’s Cambridge, Oxford, Imperial etc

He knows he won’t breeze through at university he’s spent his summer looking at the available first year content for his course at universities. He might not breeze through but he is proactive and very passionate about engineering that is one thing I know for certain when he does go to university he will put in the work, he’s wanted to be an engineer since he was 8 years old has always been interested in his fathers work and grandfathers work his grandfather was an engineer too who did attend Cambridge and finds his work very interesting.

The issue here is there is money waiting for him when he turns 25 in that regard he will not really learn that lesson as his grandparents are willing to do anything for him. He’s particularly close with his grandfather who would do anything for him.

In his defense though this would be, IMO, a justifiable reason to 'stick it to the man' and perhaps his behaviour was his way of doing this in the only way that an angry and immature 18 year old who's frontal cortex han't fully developed yet knows how. Predicted grades surely shouldn't be a popularity contest if they're so heavily going to affect uni admissions. They should be 100% objective. I always assumed they were and OP hasn't really confirmed what went on here...

I'm a fully grown, reasonable and mature adult (who is only 26% psychopath according to channel 4's test 🤣) but if I felt that a teacher was messing with my future like that just because our personalities clashed a bit then I'd probably refuse to engage with their so called objective assessment system until I absolutely had to tbh.... I might just have had the self-restraint to not literally stick my middle finger up at them though.... maybe 🤣

He’s not all that NOT the university. I’m sure the university itself is fabulous.
I’m confused by your original post now because all you’ve done is list all the ways in which he’s absolutely fabulous and excels in everything.

Again.

Teachers can only predict grades based on work they have seen.

Teachers don't make predicted grades alone. It is done with the head of dept, the head of sixth form, and ultimately the head.

I probably would have found it funny if one of my DCs had done what your DS did but I don't think any of them would have cared enough about their teachers opinions to bother with such an elaborate hoax. From what you said, even his head of year was amused, once DS had the A*s. The money probably isn't a great idea for an 18yo but it doesn't sound as if its a scarce resource in your family so maybe not such a big deal.

I think that engineering is probably the better option, but the amount of money he’s just been given is just too much IMO. He could have had tens of thousands towards university or a house deposit.
For me, though, the most concerning part is his behaviour and attitude. To hold onto a grudge for that long and deliberately act on it feels incredibly petty and callous. If he were my son, I think I’d be genuinely worried about what that says about how he deals with resentment and disappointment, particularly if that behaviour is being left unchecked or even encouraged.

I’m sure he will do very well in life. He’s had a private education with lots of financial support along the way. He’s making money because he wants to and isn’t scared of failing as his safety net is huge. No doubt he will have a wonderful time at university and a job in one of his parents’ friends’ companies when he graduates. What a trooper!

Your sentence isn't clear. I read Cambridge to be the third in the list of Bath znd Imperial.

Your children sound lovely too!

I have not come here to be horrible about my son no mother would intentionally be horrible about their son. I am disappointed in his behaviour to which he has apologised for. I am annoyed with his grandparents but that one I can’t control as we have tried to speak to them. If you want me to say horrible things about my own child then that’s not the case here you are able to just don’t read the thread as I’ve said it’s not being forced to anyone you do have free will.

Either way we do know Oxbridge do not have clearing in the same way as other universities. They do have a reconsideration pool in August for those that previously got rejected within the cycle though but our never applied to Cambridge due to the predicted grades as it was very unlikely he would have even gotten through to the interview stage.

The predictive grades were objective. OP said he was scoring deliberately low in all his tests to the point teachers were phoning parents, offering interventions etc. Teacher only had his low grades to go off to base a prediction off. What else could she go off?! OP says in her very first post he was scoring 12% in tests.

This isn’t a case of a student getting straight A’s but being a prick so teacher took a dislike to him and predicted him lower. OP said he intentionally scored low but then worked really hard/pulled it out of the bag at the final hurdle for the real thing after the predicted grade window had lapsed. Predicted grades can only be based on past performance with a small weighting given to an uplift for final minute grafting/work ethic. You would literally lose your job as a teacher if you gave a student a predicted grade good enough for Oxbridge if he was regularly scoring 12% in tests.

Crikey. This thread is like a stealth boast, without the stealth. Yes, yes we get it OP - your son is wonderful, remarkable and an amazing person. If I were you I would ignore the cold, calculated, frankly psychopathic behaviour over the last year in school and just carry on as per normal. Everything is hunkydory, nothing to see here.

I haven’t read the whole thread. Your son sounds bloody amazing. That’s all really. Your in-laws are being ridiculous throwing that sort of money at an 18yo. Protect him all you can! Next year or so will be a stressful time for you and you need to fight for him but if it goes tits up, he’s fabulous and he has you in his corner. World’s his oyster. Be a rock!

Of course you wouldn’t be horrible about your child but why write the post in the first place? I don’t understand your thinking. Your son worked hard and got excellent results in a private school with small classes. He has rich grandparents and parents who have ensured he has every opportunity money can buy. What exactly is the point of your thread.
He has annoyed you but he’s still fabulous? Ok then.

Since this school has apparently known him since he was aged 4, I suspect they knew him rather well. Plus the £200k or so of fees over that time generally makes schools keen to support strong applicants to places like COWI, because it’s good for promoting the school to prospective parents.

Not sure I’d it his just his school but he has a friend who was getting Cs and Ds and his parents managed to convince the school to predict him As so he could at least have a chance at Oxbridge and he managed to get in and will be starting this academic year. I don’t think there is a specific policy every school operates under in terms of predicted grades or a specific criteria for every single student. Each year there’s issues with predicted grades I have friends who have children slightly older than mine and I’ve heard all about their UCAS predicted grades issues

Your husband is a snob, and his parents are literally spoiling your child.
Exactly what the world needs, an over indulged young adult who thinks he’s too good for a typical starter job. Is this really setting him up to be a decent human being?