AIBU to worry our son is being overindulged after his A-level results?

[NavyRobin]

Our DS got his A-level results back in August and got 3 A stars and an A. We were absolutely thrilled for him. He was originally predicted ABBB, so these results were a huge shock to everyone, including his teachers. Our son told us on results day because of his teachers not predicting him high grades for his UCAS application, he decided to do badly on purpose on all the tests, mocks etc. At this point I am just lost as to why he needed to act that way as we were getting emails at home telling us that he isn't doing anything in lessons etc when at home he was revising and sticking to a routine. I think I have raised somewhat of an insane child. WHO DOES THAT?!

He wasn't exactly a model student at school. He was bright but messed around quite a lot and didn't always put the effort in we now learn that this is on purpose at A Levels, GCSE he was fine but he liked his teachers at GCSE. We did speak to the school several times about his predicted grades because we felt they were quite low but they wouldn't budge, which I do understand to an extent.

The problem is that his predicted grades limited his university choices. He applied to five universities, including some very competitive ones, but was rejected from three.Then results day came around and he achieved 3 A stars and an A.He's now decided to take a gap year and reapply for Engineering, with Cambridge and Bath being two of the universities he's interested in.
We're supportive of the gap year. We actually think it could be a good opportunity for him, particularly as he now has achieved grades rather than predicted grades. We have spoken to Bath admissions and, because he previously applied, they already have his application and results. They've said his achieved grades would make his application very competitive, although obviously nothing is guaranteed and the rest of the application and selection process still matters. Cambridge will obviously be much more difficult and we're under no illusion that he'll necessarily get in.

My issue is what he's actually planning to do during this gap year, it is his attitude.He worked at Waitrose for about a year, in the deli, and left recently. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to get another job, even if just part-time, earn some money and gain some independence.
However, DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that".DH owns an engineering company (a different area of engineering to what DS wants to go into) and has offered him work there instead.So DS can work for his dad, potentially doing something engineering-related, while living at home and with very little financial pressure.
And then there's the money.

DS turned 18 this summer and DH's parents gave him £34k as an 18th birthday present. I wasn't particularly comfortable with such a large amount being given to an 18-year-old, but obviously it's their money and their decision. I do understand that they are very proud of him and wanted to give him something special.But since then, he's been spending it fairly freely. He recently spent £13k on a car when the Polo he already had was perfectly fine. He's also been buying lots of things he's always wanted.

And now, because they're so proud of his A-level results, DH's parents have gifted him another £10k. They have always been quite generous with our children all throughout. Our children's JISA's are pretty much just for their grandparents to put money in for them. So he's received £44k from his grandparents in a matter of months, at 18.I genuinely don't understand it.
I know people will say "it's their money" and yes, I completely accept that. They can do whatever they want with it, and I know it's coming from a place of love and pride. But I can't help thinking that £10k could have gone straight into his savings account instead of being handed to an 18 year old
What is the point of giving an 18 year old that amount of money? Surely part of the point of helping your children financially is to give them a secure start in life, not necessarily to give them a huge amount of spending money at 18?
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says DS has worked incredibly hard, got exceptional results and deserves to enjoy the money. He also thinks working for his company will give him much better experience than working in a supermarket and could potentially help with his future university application.
And I agree with some of that.I am incredibly proud of DS. I'm not trying to take anything away from his results, and I'm not against helping him financially. If anything, I think we've been very fortunate that he has grandparents who are in a position to give him this sort of support.But I worry about the overall message.
He doesn't need to get a job because Dad will give him one.
He doesn't need to worry about money because grandparents have given him £44k in 2 months.He doesn't need to keep his old car because he can spend £13k on another one.And DH is actively telling him that certain jobs are beneath him.I can't help feeling that we're setting him up to believe that life will always be this easy.

He's 18. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to have some structure, earn some of his own money and learn to manage what he has?
Or am I being completely unreasonable and should I just leave him alone?
He got fantastic results, he's got a potentially very exciting future ahead of him and the money is technically his. Maybe I'm just being an old-fashioned mum who thinks an 18 year old should have to work for things rather than have everything handed to him.

AIBU?

Sounds like he's as much of a prick as your husband....

I think he’s had a really weird attitude with school, and he’s lucky it all worked out for him as he may have needed to have learned from his mocks. He’s also shot himself in the foot by letting the mocks predict himself lower, and now having to take a year out. It’s not going to look good on his applications for the competitive courses if he’s done nothing during his year out. He’s quite clearly been spoiled by the money, and to think certain jobs are beneath him at 18 is quite a worrying attitude to have. It’ll either all work out for him, or he’ll be another man with a high opinion of himself who is bitter that he’s not doing as well as he thinks he deserves.

The disengage with the thread or report it if it’s so hard to believe or if you aren’t convinced. I am not sure what else to tell you. Regardless we have been saving up for our children’s universities since they were all born pretty much we have three and if the fees don’t continue to increase this much we will pay. They were stagnant at 9250 for a while long time but we did anticipate the uncreate as it’ll be 10k by the time he starts. The fees for his school between year 7 to 13 as he kept up with the sport so the fees have always been subsidised as he plays sports and was on a sports scholarship that’s the same for his brother. School offers lots of scholarships music, art, sports, academic you can have a scholarship for multiple reasons doesn’t just have to be one.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. I think you’ve seen a side of your child that is unattractive to you. I also think that your IL’s likely have the same sort of attitude judging by how much they are spoiling him. Ultimately I don’t think there’s a lot you can do now and your son was maybe always destined to be a little ‘arrogant’ given how wealthy your husbands family are. I’m not sure that’s the right word as he isn’t doing anything most of us wouldn’t have done had we been afforded the same luxury and again, I don’t think anyone has done anything wrong per se.

There are worse problems to have but I do think you should continue to encourage your child to remain grounded. Life can change in the blink of an eye and being a little more humble would serve him well. But it seems clear to me you already know that.

I hope it works out for you all.

I remember my own child looking down their nose at a guaranteed weekend job at McDinalds and I felt similarly to you and made sure they knew that. It’s hard because if he is very bright and he may well be entering a world where a little extra confidence / arrogance is needed to succeed.

I think there's definitely big issues with his twatty behaviour and attitude. I'd be very unhappy that this attitude was being encouraged by DH and grandparents and I wouldn't be holiding back on telling them this even if there was nothing I could really do about it.

The behaviour towards school isn't ideal but how much it bothered me would depend on exactly what happened with the predicted grades. Why exactly was he predicted too low to apply for his first choice unis? Were school justified in making low predictions or was it a power flex? If it was the latter I think I'd be annoyed if I was your DS if they played God and pissed all over my future tbh.

It’s insane to give an 18 year old close to 50k and have them fritter it away. That was a house deposit.

You can do a basic search on whether electric car companies contract with minors for social media promotion (under 18s can't legally be bound by contracts).

I accept the OP's response that it was branding events where he wasn't driving the car, although her initial wording was unclear.

He got a partnership with a car, and got to test out their electric new cars and went on a brand trip,

Is that enough explanation for you, or do you require more?

Its not a 'final gesture' as he'll probably want a reference from them for his uni applications.

Its not only horribly rude, it was embarrassing for his poor mother and showed him to be an arrogant young man with little self control and poor judgement.

I can't get my head around a grown adult thinking this behaviour was OK or worse, admirable in some way.

Still,you do you, as they say.

Good thing he’s gone out there and got himself work experience at other engineering firms without “daddy” I’m not sure what your response is. It is very hard for young people at the moment nothing wrong with getting experience at his dads company. It’s great you’re that noble that you wouldn’t do that but if he was interested in my business I would have him no questions. DH knows he’s untested in engineering he goes to talks etc on his own, does extra learning and courses he’s not just having him there to do nothing he will be working. I think many parents would give their children work opportunities and it’s that not the case then fair enough I’m not here to tell parents what to do. I just came here with my dilemma regarding my sons attitude and his grandparents not listening to us after we’ve said no.

I don't know why you directed the bulk of that reply to me instead of the posters who are questioning the fees? That's the one thing I've agreed with you on. None of ours took loans.

The scholarships must be pretty spectacular to make a huge difference, though? Two of mine were given scholarships, but they were more honorary than significant (around 10 and 15% iirc).

It’s a social media advert they sent us the terms and we as his parents agreed. We have no issues with him testing us cars he has a clean drivers license. He can go to a brand event at F1 we had no issues with that he had fun got to speak to people and get extra intel of the engineering that takes place in terms of F1 cars, got to meet F1 racers I don’t think that bad he’s been into F1 for years we’ve taken him to Belgium Grand Prix previously and he was under 18 at the time

A scholarship is a scholarship regardless of how spectacular it is any parents wouldn’t mind a fees drop regardless it’s not as though it’s just a £1 it made a difference to our finances. Every family is different some families it doesn’t matter for us it did which was why we started looking into it when he was still a toddler even.

We have told them this. They refuse to listen my mother in law pulled me to the side and told me to never tell her or her husband what to do with their money. DH then spoke to them and they said the same thing.

I do hope you didn't speak to the university directly. All contact with them needs to come from him. He's the one who might want to study there, not you.

I'm not surprised he behaved the way he did - the school thwarted his first round of university applications. Would have been better to bring you in on it. And would have been even better to respond differently but he was 17.

His dad might be able to help him by placing him in a team separate from him so he's working directly with other people.

Learning a transferrable skill would be useful over the year for finding term time work at uni (if he doesn't go to Oxbridge) - can include pubs / supermarkets/ lifeguarding / tutoring etc.

Learning how to operate a stocks and shares ISA would be good so he can save funds towards a house deposit / uni costs / costs of a PhD (not unusual for engineers).

Do posters on here not understand that predicted grades are based on student performance and attainment in tests so far not “what we think you are capable of if all your habits, patterns and work ethic. changed and you started performing at a level you have never demonstrated before”. Teachers predicted grades are combed over rigorously. If a student is constantly achieving 12% in tests deliberately or not, you cannot predict them good grades.

Teachers have to justify the predicted grades they are giving the student and it has to be based on a large sample of data collected, not “feels”. You can only judge future performance on past performance. How can a student who has deliberately scored D’s and E’s on 12 consecutive test papers and Mocks think in any world a teacher can give him predicted grades good enough for Oxbridge? I have loads of students who I believe are capable of more if they put the work in but at the moment they aren’t putting in that work so I can’t predict them any higher. If they start either attaining higher or showing signs that they are starting to graft and lock in, they can be predicted higher. In fact teachers who overpredict grades when a student has shown no history of ever coming close to those grades is serious professional misconduct.

It’s the same as deliberately running slow in an athletics competition consistently and then being incredulous that you haven’t qualified for anything because “secretly you’re actually quite a fast runner”. Imagine justifiably dumping a guy because he has been awful to you every day of your relationship but he’s actually “having the last laugh” because actually he’s a really nice person, he’s just pretended to be awful to you all this tome. To what end does it serve? What a complete waste of time.

And why on earth would it be getting one over on a teacher to get a good grade? They want you to get the best grade possible and the better you do, the better it is for the school.

Because your son deliberately tried to do as bad as possible for some unknown reason, he wasn’t predicted grades good enough to get in the uni that he wanted. This is completely on him and his birdbrain masterplan. All he has done is fucked himself.

And he sounds really unpleasant to boot.

None of us know whether his predicted grades were fair or not, or if his teachers were open to reassessing their predictions. He clearly felt aggrieved, justifiably or not.

Regardless, he’s come out of it well. He’s got the grades he wanted and a plan to spend the year gaining experience in his chosen field.

This thread is very reminiscent of another one recently with the 18 year old girl who had been working in the OPs solicitors firm and the grandparents had bought her a new car. The dad didn’t think she should work in a common or garden job either ( he ran an art gallery ). Quite a lot of it going about. I think the thing that would bother me would be the measing around in school and deliberately doing badly. Was that as a fuck you? I don’t really understand it but I fear he’s not a nice person. There’s a great deal to be said for working for what you have rather than everything being handed to you on a plate but I fear I’m in the minority.

Surely he would use that money for rent and yearly tuition fees when he eventually does go to Uni which would mean coming out of University with zero debt!!!

Ah, I read several updates but didn't get to that one. Hm, could still make for a bigger house deposit. This approach isn't exactly a great lesson in money management and making good choices, but no doubt the grandparents will bail him out any time.

On results day he called the universities to see if there were any places as he met the requirements but it’s quite rare for engineering to go into clearing for home students at unis like imperial, uni of bath and certainly not Cambridge, he’s the one that’s been in touch with the unis via email he has shown us the emails before he’s sent them. I don’t see anything wrong with these.

Very very odd behaviour from the son, father and grandparents!

When he explained to us he said it’s because they doubted him but we’re willing to let his friend have As as predicted ucas grades after he begged them yet wouldn’t let him.

I would have to tell my MIL that if my son started taking recreational drugs, drinking too much and driving under the influence, she was be partly to blame for that.

He’s not too good to work in a shop.
I’ve got a Batchelors, a Masters, and soon to start a PhD. I work part time as a waitress and as a receptionist…

Who says the money will run out? He’s more likely to accumulate it, based on what OP has said.

It sounds like his head is already on straight when it comes to money, given that he also has his own income streams alongside what he was given by his grandparents. So far he’s spent only a moderate amount to buy a better car and go on holiday. He’s going to spend his gap year working, earning and gaining experience in his chosen field.

It isn’t necessary to struggle in order to develop a strong work ethic and succeed in life.